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Birthday Barbie Doll




A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it

is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything.

Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was

"now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic,

finds a parking bay and runs into the mall. After a frantic search

he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a

shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a

Barbie doll".



The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner

that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would

that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We

have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for

$19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for

$19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for

$265.00"



The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when

all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?" "That's obvious!" says

the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's

furniture...


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Clinton's Divorce


From the law offices of Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr., here are the top ten

proposed closing arguments in the matter of

United States v. William J.Clinton:



10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess



9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate



8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit



7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal



6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore



5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving

some asses



4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life



3. Bill can't tell the truth till he sees Ken

Starr's proof



2. Bill isn't sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy



And the number one closing argument by Johnny Cochrane:



1. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral





      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Contempt Of Court Fines


The lawyer stood before the judge only to hear that court

would be adjourned for the day and he would have to return

the next day.



"What for?" the lawyer yelled at the judge.



The judge, equally irked by a tedious day and the lawyer's

rude treatment, roared, "Fifty dollars....and if you want

to know "Why?" for that, it's for your contempt of court!!



Upon noticing the lawyer was checking his wallet, the judge

relented. That's all right. You don't have to pay the fine

right now."



The lawyer replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough to say

three more words."

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Court Cases


Ladies and Gents,



As I was sitting and watching Court TV, I was laughing historically at

some of the stupid comments people make in the courtroom. I guess

people must be nervous or something. So with a little research....



FROM ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS OF COURT CASES

--------------------------------------



Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to

answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to

answer that question.

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No.

* * * * *

Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?

A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!!

* * * * *

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was

shot in the lumbar region.

* * * * *

Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.

* * * * *

Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of

things I didn't know about.

* * * * *

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three

months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

* * * * *

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All

my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

* * * * *

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant? A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?

* * * * *

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I

dress when I go to work.

* * * * *

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present

information from your minds, if you have any.

* * * * *

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.

* * * * *

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and

were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to

go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him

to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

* * * * *

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What

school do you go to?

A. Oral.

Q. How old are you?

A. Oral.

* * * * *

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter.

Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

* * * * *

Q: ...and what did he do then?

A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the

next morning he was dead?

* * * * *

Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did

you observe with respect to your scalp?

A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was

covered?

A: Yes, bandaged.

Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?

A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and

put on top of my head.

* * * * *

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his

head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

* * * * *

Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?

A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

* * * * *

Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder

trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived.

* * * * *

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

* * * * *

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since

early childhood.

* * * * *

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates

intercourse.

Q: Male sperm?

A. That is the only kind I know.

* * * * *

Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

* * * * *

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

A: I have only one, you know.

* * * * *

Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?

A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy!

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Dayvorce!
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a

divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,

"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."



The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer

said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you

don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I

don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."



The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have

a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I

park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you

have a suit?"



The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear th to church on

Sundays."



The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your

wife beat you up or anything?"



The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."



Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY

DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"



And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful

conversation with her."


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
A Healthy Case




"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his

client.



"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is

an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."



"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"



"Your cholesterol is down to 140!"


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Explaining What A Lawyer Does




A grade school teacher was asking students what

their parents did for a living.



Timmy stood up and said,

"My mom is a doctor!"



Sarah stood up and said,

"My father is a professor!"



Little Johnny stood up and said,

"My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"



The teacher couldn't believe what she had just

heard, so she made a point of calling little

Johnny's father that evening.



When she told him what little Johnny had said, he

told her, "Actually,....

I'm a corporate attorney, but how I'm I supposed

to explain that to a seven year old???"


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
A Genie Grants 3 Wishes




A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a big law firm are

walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find

an antique oil lamp.



They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The

Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give

each of you just one."



"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in

the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the

world." Poof! She's gone.



"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in

Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an

endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.



"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner

says, "I want those two back in the office right after

lunch."

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Injury Lawyer


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car

came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.



When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was

complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.



"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!",

he whined.



"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"

retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid

BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was

ripped off!!!"



"Oh my gaaaad...", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the

bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.



"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Integrity In A Lawyer


An investment counselor went out on her own. She

was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in.

Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house

counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.



"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off

with one of the first applicants, "in a business like

this, our personal integrity must be beyond

question." She leaned forward and continued, "Mr.

Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"



"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you

something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my

father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my

education and I paid back every penny the minute I

tried my very first case."



"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"



The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He

sued me for the money."


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)

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