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60 Doctor Jokes

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This is page 1 of 6 pages displaying a total of 60 Doctor jokes.
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A 75 Year Old Man Went To His Doctor

A 75 year old man went to his doctorís office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctorís office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, "What happened, didnít I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?" The man went on to explain, "Well doc, itís like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she tried her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked!
"You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldnít get the damned jar open."

      -- Keystone Cop (
A 75 Year Old Woman Went To The Doctor

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband."
The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replies, "Which days?"
The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."

      -- Keystone Cop (
A 90 Year Old Man Was Having His Annual Checkup

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and

the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never

been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year

old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What

do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said,

"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an

avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day

went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally

grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and

suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He

raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and

squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor finished, "The bear dropped dead in front

of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone

else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the


      -- Keystone Cop (
A 92 Year Old Man Went To The Doctor

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Cardiologist Died

A Cardiologist died and they're having his funeral.
The coffin was placed in front of a huge heart.
When the priest finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, then the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
The man replied "I was thinking about my own funeral" the first man asked... "What's so funny about that?"

He responded... "I'm a gynecologist."

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Cute Little Old Lady Goes To The Doctor

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never
smell and are always silent. In fact, I've passed gas at least 10 times
since I've been here in your office, but you didn't know it because they
don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills
and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
the heck you gave me, but now when I pass gas, it's still silent, but it
stinks terribly". "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Guy Goes To See The Doctor

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too

well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't

get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.


the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but

sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.
Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to

go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that

lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog

says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest,

as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog

on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls

to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back,

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey,

this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry

me?" he asks the frog.
Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a

bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he

calls across again, "Will you marry me?"
Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell

you? No.

No. NO!"

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Guy Went Out On The Golf Course

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, "How bad is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancťe is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl.
They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them, and she said, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched them before."
He tore off his pants and said,
"Look at this. It's still in the CRATE!"

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Man Walked Into A Crowded Doctor's Office

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes, sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say something like that."
"Why not? You asked what was wrong and I told you," he said.
"We do not use language like that in here," she said.
"Please go outside and come back in and say there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," the man stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly.
"And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

      -- Keystone Cop (
A Man Was In An Accident And His Willy Was Chopped Off

A man was in an accident and his willy was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife." When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor. "We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."

      -- Keystone Cop (

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