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101 Animals Jokes


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Farmers Donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.



He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all

grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey

realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's

amazement he quieted down.



A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was

astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the

donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.



As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the

animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon,

everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of

the well and happily trotted off!



Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to

getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of

our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just

by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.



Remember the five simple rules to be happy:



1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.



2! . Free y our mind from worries - Most never happen.



3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.



4. Give more.



5. Expect less



NOW --------



Enough of that crap . .



The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had

tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer

eventually died in agony from septic shock.



MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:



When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass,

it always comes back to bite you.
you have two choices...smile and close this page

or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

I know what I did!!



Chesnut
A guy who loved his wife and wanted to get her somethin special 4 x mas.... went to da pet store and asked the owner what would b a good gift. The owner then showed the man a parrot name chesnut that could sing x mas songs by puttin a fire under his left and right leg...

left: we wish u a marry x mas and a happy new yr

right: jingle bells jingle all da way

the husban so happy bought it and gave it to his wife... he demonstrated 4 her... the wife curious... asked what would happen if they put it between his legs

"chesnut's roasting on and open fire"
A Fly Is Hovering About Twelve Inches Above The Surface Of A Lake

A fly is hovering about twelve inches above the surface of a lake. A trout
sees the fly and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches,
I can jump out of the water, snatch him up, and have myself a nice lunch."
A bear is crouched near a tree on the edge of the lake. He sees the fly and
the trout and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the
trout will jump out of the water, and I can dash in and grab him and have
myself a nice lunch."
A hunter is standing on the other side of the lake. He sees the fly, the
trout, and the bear, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six
inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will come running
into the lake, and I can get a nice clean shot at him and have myself some nice
bearmeat for lunch."
A mouse is hiding on the ground next to the hunter. He sees the fly, the
trout, and the bear, and sees a cheese sandwich dangling from the hunter’s
bag, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the
trout
will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the lake, and this
hunter will open fire, causing the sandwich to fall and giving me a heckuva nice
lunch."
A cat is lying nearby in the grass. He sees the fly, the trout, the bear,
the hunter, and the mouse, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just
six inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the
lake, the hunter will open fire, the sandwich will fall, the mouse will grab the
sandwich, and I can sneak up on the mouse and have myself a nice lunch."
Lo and behold, it happens. The fly drops six inches, the trout jumps out of
the water, the bear rushes into the lake, the hunter opens fire, the
sandwich falls, the mouse grabs the sandwich, and the cat lunges for the mouse,
misses, and falls into the lake.
What is the moral of the story?
When the fly drops six inches, the pussy’s gonna get wet.

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Little Bird Was Flying South

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
* ***********************************
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there! :) Smile everyday just because :)

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Little Old Lady Went To The Grocery Store - Expensive Cat Food

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas"
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Man Brought A Very Limp Dog Into The Veterinary

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?"
screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing where dogs like to sniff, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also sniffed out the poor dog on the table from head to toe and elsewhere. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went postal.
"$600! Just to tell me my dog is DEAD? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Man Walks Into A Bar With An Ostrich

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same", and the cat says, "I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it".
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there." says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy".


      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Calling In Sick

Calling In Sick



Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how


legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.


On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because


the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had


sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in


the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the


bandage on my crown.





The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's


wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new


acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my


shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me


from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come


reset it."





You know where the button is." I protested through the shower


(pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!"





"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me


in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."





So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a


statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without


consequence.





I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the


button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck


without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it


wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.


It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects


she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner


and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.





At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the


toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like


claws.





Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to


their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control


orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the


body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate


of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with


his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the


situation in a step-by-step manner.





Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight"


syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"


option.





Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when


it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek


great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and


cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out


cold.





When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having


been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they


tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical


laughter.





At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.


I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the


matter, cat got your tongue?"





If they had only known.










      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Cat Quotes

CAT QUOTES
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." -- Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." -- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." -- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." –-Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." –-Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." -- Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Cats And Dogs

Cats and Dogs
What is a Cat ?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)

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