Mixed Drink Cocktail Recipes for Alcoholic and Non Alcoholic Beverages

3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database

39 Jokes


Choose a joke category:
Show jokes per page

This is page 1 of 4 pages displaying a total of 39 jokes.
1 2 3 4  NEXT >>

The Artist
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career,

started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a

painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.



After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy,

her eyesight was restored.



The painter was so grateful that she decided to show

her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work

included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her

work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the

doctor's office.



During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the

wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon

seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the

wall?'



To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself

'Thank the Lord, I'm not a gynecologist.'"

--------------------------------------------------------


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Accidental Death


Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in

the hospital, near death. The family called their

preacher to stand with them.



As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's

condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned

frantically for something to write on.



The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece

of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to

scribble a note, then he died.



The preacher thought it best not to look at the note

at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.



At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he

realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was

wearing when Ol' Fred died.



He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just

before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred,

I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."



He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're

standing on my oxygen tube!"




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
A Case Of The Shingles
A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist

asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."



She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address,

medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a

seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him

what he had. He said, "I got shingles."



So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical

history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the

examining room."



A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "I got shingles."



So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an

electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.



An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."



The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I

just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles

anywhere."



The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want

them?"

*******

Done

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Doctors





The following is a list of errors given to us by the med school which

previous students have made when reporting on a patient. They were all

quite hilarious, but since the list is long, this is just a

sampling. I think they're pretty funny.

(By the way, these are all supposedly written on actual patient charts...)

1. Went to bed feeling well, but woke up dead.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

4. Patient stated that if she would lie down, within 2-3 minutes something

would come accross her abdomen and knock her up.

5. Dr. Blank is watching his prostate.

6. Discharge (from hospital) status: Alive but without permission.

7. The infant was handed to the pediatrician who cried spontaneously.

8. Pain in his ear with inability to breath through his ear.

9. The patient refused an autopsy.

10. Patient left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Physician has been following the patient#s breast for six years.

12. The patient is 71-year-old female who fractured her little finger while

beating up a cake.

13. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate

directions in early December.

14. The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for his

original complaints.

15. Died suddenly, nothing serious.

16. Don't know, died without the aid of a physician.






      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
The Doctor's Visit

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor

takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the

window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins

to stroke her thigh.



As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological

abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor.



He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing

now?" he says.



"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor.



He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to

her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"



"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."



      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
The Doctor's Night Call

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the

night.



"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught mother.

"My child has swallowed a contraceptive."



The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door,

the phone rang again.



"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh

of relief. "My husband just found another one."


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Dr. Suess
"WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING"


If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is

interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory

makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has

an error to report.



If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the

double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data

is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's

hopeless and your system's gonna crash!



If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the

network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets

want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by

the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the

side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as

a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause

as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!



When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the

microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to

flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn

off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
More Dr. Suess
STARR I ARE-a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask

As you'll soon see-

Did you grope

Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her

In your house?

Did you grope

Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that

Here or there-

I did not do that

Anywhere!

I did not do that

Near or far-

I did not do that

Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?

Did you flirt?

Did you peek

Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell

the girl to lie

When called upon

To testify?

I do not like you

Starr-You-Are-

I think that you

Have gone too far.

I will not answer

Any more-

Perhaps I will go

Start a war!

The public's easy

To distract-

When bombs are

Falling on Iraq!

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Doctor's Tranlations For Laymen
What doctors say,

versus what they're really thinking:



"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy

and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.



"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.



"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending

any more time with you.



"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office

visit.



"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad

news is you're going to pay for it.



"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can

be cured.



"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.



"I'd like to have my associate look at you."

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.



"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea

pig.



"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.



"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

I think I'm going to throw up.



"This may smart a little."

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.



"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you

here?



"This should fix you up."

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe

this stuff.



"Everything seems to be normal."

Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after

all.



"I'd like to run some more tests."

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the

lab can solve this one.



"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting

your nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now,

if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...



"There is a lot of that going around."

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better

learn something about this.



"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."

I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God

I'm off next week.


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
The Dying Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long

illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed

and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad

news for you... you have the cancer and it can't be cured.

I'd give you two weeks to a month."



Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid

character, managed to compose himself and walk from the

doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his

son who had been waiting.



Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good

and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,

things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a

short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few

pints."



After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little

less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They

were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends

who asked what the two were celebrating.



Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and

the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking

to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got

few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."



The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a

couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son

leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad, I thought

you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told

your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"



Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer, son. I just don't

want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)

1 2 3 4  NEXT >>

[top of page]

Adult (131)
  - Bad Pick up Lines (499)
  - Sexes (59)
Animals (101)
Blonde (152)
  - Top Signs (286)
College (10)
Computers (103)
  - Microsoft (13)
Cultural (103)
  - Redneck (50)
  - Religious (304)
Food & Drink (14)
  - Bar (200)
Golf (29)
Marriage (77)
  - Children (61)
Political (110)
Quotes (59)
  - Essays (35)
  - Puns (21)
Seasonal (19)
  - Holiday (48)
True Stories (34)
Unsorted (518)
Work (37)
  - Doctor (60)
  - Engineer (8)
  - Lawyers (30)
Free Newsletter
Name:
E-mail:



Scott Young, President and Head Instructor Bar Smart Inc.