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This is page 1 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Biker talks to God
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you

have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over any time I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom

of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your

desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman

truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A TEACHER'S INTERVIEW
A TEACHER'S INTERVIEW



After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching

prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right . . .



You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their

every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill

a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior,

observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages

and dress habits.



You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,

check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their

self esteem.



You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship,

fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how

to apply for a job.



I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,

recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the

state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete

any of their assignments.



Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an

equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical

handicap.



I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,

newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of

chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a

starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!You want me to

do all of this and yet you expect me . . .



NOT TO PRAY ????"
3 Guys Died And When They Got To The Pearly Gates

3 guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.
St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "24 years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.
The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A few days later, the 2 guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Contractor Dies In A Car Accident And Finds Himself At The Pearly Gates

A contractor dies in a car accident and finds himself at the


Pearly Gates.


A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn,


there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and everyone


wants to shake his hand. Saint Peter himself runs over, shakes his hand


and says 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!'
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly


looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, congratulations for what?


I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I


was alive.'
'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed. 'We're


celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself


wants to see you!' The contractor can only look at Saint Peter with his


mouth agape. 'Saint Peter, I only lived to be forty!'
'That's simply impossible son. Don't be modest,' says Saint Peter.


'We've added up your time sheets.'

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Couple Had Two Little Boys

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were


excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble


and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their


town, their sons were probably involved.
They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been


successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would


speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see


them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in


the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the


afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the


younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,


sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the


clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone,


"Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So


the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger


in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home


and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When


his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What


happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in


BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think


WE did it!"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Couple Of Ethical Questions

A Couple of Ethical Questions...


Question 1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,


three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had


syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?


(Read the next question before reading the answer. )
Question 2: It is time to elect the world leader, and yours is the deciding


vote.


Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with


astrologists.


He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a


day.
Candidate B: He has been kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,


used opium


in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,


drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?


(Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.)






























Candidate A . . . is Franklin D. Roosevelt


Candidate B . . . is Winston Churchill


Candidate C . . . is Adolph Hitler
Oh yeah, and by the way...


On the answer to the abortion question . . .


If you said yes... you just killed Beethoven.

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Drunk Stumbles Into A Baptismal Service

A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" he asked.
"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Drunken Man Staggered In To A Catholic Church




A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in


the confession box, but said nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to


attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then


knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to


speak. Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin' mate, there ain't no


paper in this one either."
















      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Farmer Named Muldoon

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000.00 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Guy Just Died And He's At The Pearly Gates

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.
St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'
The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.
Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''
St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'
'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)

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