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Heaven & Hell
While vacationing on a ranch, Paul Martin gets thrown from his horse, lands on a rattlesnake, gets bitten and dies because the emergency room at the nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so> we're not sure what to do with you."



"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Martin.



"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself. He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."



"But, I've already made up my mind, I want to be in Heaven," replied Martin". I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.



The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse.



Standing in front of it is his Dad, and thousands of other Liberals who had helped him out over the years---Pierre Trudeau, Jean Marchand, Pelletier, St Laurent etc. The whole of the "Left" was there, everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.



The Devil himself comes up to Martin with a frosty drink, "Have a Margarita and relax, Paul!"



"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Martin, dejectedly.



"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Martin takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes like himself, and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like they pulled on the GST and Free Trade promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Martin steps on the elevator and heads upward.



When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Martin is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special!



"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Pierre Trudeau never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Martin reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."



So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste, kind of like Sudbury. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.



The Devil comes over to Martin and puts an arm around his shoulder.



"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Martin, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank booze. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"



























The Ant and the Grasshopper --classic and Canadian versions
CLASSIC VERSION:







The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house



and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the



summer away.



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.



The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.



THE END







THE CANADIAN VERSION:







The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long,building his house



and laying up supplies for the winter.



The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the



summer away.



Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?



The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why



the ant should be allowed to be warm



and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.



The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper,with



cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable



warm home with a table laden with food.



Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor



grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.



The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of



the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting



an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news,



broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an



interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of



grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate taxhike on the ant to make him pay



his "fair share".



In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and



Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the



summer.



The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire



grasshoppers as helpers.



Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive



taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.



The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.



The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the



ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house



he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him



because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.



Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a



commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.



The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it



on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair



arising from social inequity.



The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by



the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly



set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.

















A Little Boy Wanted $100

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Man Goes To The White House

A man goes to the White House and asks to see President Clinton... The Marine on duty tells the guy that Clinton isn't President, and to please leave.
The man goes away.
The next day he comes back to the White House and asks to see President Clinton. The marine on duty reminds him that Clinton is not President, and to please go away.
The man goes away. The next day, he comes back again, and again the same Marine is on duty. The man asks to see President Clinton, and the Marine, his patience worn out, says, "WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING HERE ASKING FOR HIM? CLINTON IS NOT PRESIDENT ANYMORE!!!"
The man smiles and says, "I know, I just like hearing it."

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Marine Colonel On His Way Home From Work At The Pentagon

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead
halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than
usual. Nothing’s even moving.”

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of
cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me, Officer, what’s the
hold up?”

The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the
impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and
he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He
says his family hates him and he doesn’t have the $33.5 million he owes his
lawyers. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”

”Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”

”So far only about a hundred gallons but I’ve got a lot of folks still
siphoning.”

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
A Proposed Revision To The Rules Of Golf

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought, which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.
He can then re-place the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place.
This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 7 days to complete.

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Admittance To Heaven It Was Getting A Little Crowded In Heaven

ADMITTANCE TO HEAVEN


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the


admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you


had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into


effect the next day.


The next day at 12:01 a.m., the first person came to the gates of Heaven.


The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man,


"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you


died."


"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my


lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an


affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching


for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just


as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and


noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The


nerve of that guy!


Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to


the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes


that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a


rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to


throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the


refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it


over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of


the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost


instantly."


The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad


day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome


to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.


A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was


Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about


what your day was like when you died. Jordan said, "No problem. But you're


not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment


doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really


pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away,


slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch


myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. "But all of a sudden


this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and


stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell, I hit some trees and bushes at


the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away


"As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in


excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off


the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me


instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his


story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very


well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets


Vernon enter.


A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is


almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through


the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it


was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked


inside a refrigerator...

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Air Force One

Air Force One
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them, and says, "I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy".

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
Al Gore Was Brainstorming

Al Gore was brainstorming his campaign strategy with Bill Clinton at a Georgetown restaurant when the waitress came to take their order. Gore ordered a salad and water, and Bill Clinton studied the menu for a second. Then he looked up, smiled, and said, "I'll have a quickie."
The waitress was offended. "Mr. President," she said, "considering all that your wife went through last year with Monica Lewinsky, I think that that's in particularly poor taste." She stomped away to cry.
Al Gore leaned over to Clinton, looked at his menu, and whispered, "Uh, Bill, I think that's pronounced 'quiche.'"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)
An Older Couple Had A Son, Who Was Still Living At Home

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet.





Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

      -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net)

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