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131 Adult Jokes


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Things Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
Things Difficult to Say When You're Drunk.........

a) Innovative

b) Preliminary

c) Proliferation

d)Cinnamon



Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk .



a) Specificity

b) British Constitution

c) Passive-aggressive disorder

d) Transubstantiate



Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...



a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.



b) Nope, no more drinks for me, I've reached my limit.



c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.



d) Please take the shooters back, let's have water.



e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?



f) I'm not interested in fighting you.



g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.



h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have zero

coordination.



I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.



j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.



k) That chair looks wobbly and dangerous and I certainly wouldn't try

balancing on it with this short skirt on in case I fell off.



l) I must get to my bed as I could never have a really good sleep in

that hedge.





Bond, James Bond
To the girl: You see this watch, it is my james bond watch.

it is very high tech. very expensive, and it is telling me that you don't have any underwear on!!!!

Girl: oh Really!!!!

You: (tap the watch like it is broken): oh, I am sorry it is an hour fast:

      -- Paul
No Sex Yet
A twenty two year old guy was sitting on the curb/gutter crying like a baby. A sixty five year old catholic priest, walking past stopped and asked the young man, What is the problem my son,why are you crying? The young man said, Father I am twenty two years old and have not had sex with a woman as yet. So the catholic priest sat down beside the young man and began to cry as well.
      -- Colin Stone
The Next Survivor Tv Show
HEARD ABOUT THE NEXT PLANNED "SURVIVOR" SHOW ??????



* 6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids

each, for 6 weeks



* Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.



* There is no access to fast food.



* Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house

clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do

laundry, etc.



* The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep

and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is

no remote.



* The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they

must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.



* They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick

children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks,

a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of

peas.



* The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.



* The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with

his spouse at a moment's notice.



* If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again

for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called

"Mother".



Have a great day!



Asking A Farmer's Daughter For A Date
There was a farmer who had four daughters. One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young manstanding there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance ?" Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck." The farmer shot him.

Special Relativity Don't Upset Us :)
Ok, here's a real laugh shamelessly stolen from www.notmydesk.com



3.12.02 - Special Relativity Don't Upset Us



I was taking a little trip down memory lane today, and was a little surprised to find that the lane went about six feet and made a sharp right turn into a brick wall.



I was thinking about school, or trying to, at least. I was five years old when I started going to school and 17 when I left school, so you'd think I'd have some sort of, you know... memory of it.



Not that I don't remember my friends, and the classes, and the teachers, and the schools themselves. I remember all that stuff. I just don't remember much of anything I was taught. Obviously, I can read and write and speak. I can name the continents and the planets and a couple major kings and wars. I learned how to make scrambled eggs in Home Ec. But shit. That's about it.



How can this be? I took French for five years. FIVE YEARS. I can't speak French. I can't read it, write it, or understand it. Math! I was never good at math, but I studied it constantly, from probably first grade to twelfth. I can remember the first grade stuff, adding and subtracting, but that's all. I took Social Studies for years. What the hell is a Social Study? For the love of crap, I took Advanced Placement Physics and passed it (barely), but I can't conjure up one iota of information about it.



This is terribly wrong. Somehow, I got cheated. I got cheated out of an education. So, I'm gonna SIT HERE and WORK until I REMEMBER something, and DAMMIT, YOU'RE ALL GONNA WATCH.



Okay! I was thinking I should start with some sort of science. I remember my science teacher very well, Mr. Benzinger. How do you forget a name like that? I even remember the weird way he talked. His upper lip never moved, but his lower lip did. In fact, I can still do an impression of the way he talked, which means nothing to you, of course, but if you knew Mr. Benzinger and could see me doing my impression of him, you'd be all "Heh, yeah, that's Mr. Benzinger, all right."



That's where things grow a little hazy. I remember bunsen burners, which were used to melt Bic pens, and I vaguely remember cutting open a dead frog and attaching a battery to its muscles to watch them twitch, though that may have been during recess. Either way, I... I just can't remember a damn scientific fact I learned in science class.



Biology... Chemistry... Physics... Well, hey! I guess I know this:


Yeah, that's Einstein's, uh... dealie. Of course, everyone can just say "E=mc˛" and pretend they know what it means, but I must have been taught what it meant at some point. I must have. And that information has to be in my huge brain somewhere.



I know that E stands for energy, m stands for mass, and c stands for the speed of light. Energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light. So... that's... what that's all about. Glad we got it settled.



But again, what does it really mean? Welp, I'd better take a crack at solving it or it's gonna be a long night.



Okay. E=mc˛ is an equation. What do I know about equations? Here we have to go into math, I guess. The equals sign is important... and... wait, it's coming... I can do whatever I want to one side of the equation, provided I do it to the other side of the equation as well! Yeah! I can times it by five, I can bake it for an hour at 250 degrees, I can divide it by Sidney Poitier. So long as I do it on both sides of the "=", it's legal. I'm certain that's right, and I'm also certain they wouldn't have taught me that if it didn't help me to solve equations.


So, now we have energy divided by Sidney Poitier equals mass times the square of the speed of light divided by Sidney Poitier. We're getting somewhere! Somewhere sciencey!



But what is energy, really? It's like... it's this stuff... can't create or destroy it... comes from the sun... and maybe other places... like food... and batteries... well, I don't know what energy is. But! If we solve the other side of the equation, we'll know what energy equals, which is kinda like knowing what energy is, so that's something. Something sciencey!



Mass. Mass is... how much there is of something. It's sorta like weight, only not, because your weight changes if you're on the moon, but your mass doesn't. Also, mass increases with velocity, I think. And, it's proportionate to weight, or vice-versa, or neither. Well, shit, let's just say mass is the same thing as weight, just to keep it simple. How much can it really (incoming pun) matter? Weight, mass, same diff.



I don't have a scale, so let me use something that I know the weight of, like a Quarter-Pounder. It weighs a quarter of a pound, right?


Okay, things are looking good! (Although I'd rather use a Whopper, because they're tastier, I'm sticking with the Quarter-Pounder in the interests of science. Einstein would be proud.)



Now, the speed of light. Man. I know light goes really, really fast. Someone proved it once. Some smug jerk. And then I have to square it? Man, then it'd be going really super fast! What was Einstein's deal, anyway, light wasn't fast enough for him, he had to go and square it? What a psycho! Well, let's just say light goes a kajillion miles per hour, and if you square it, that probably adds, like, a billion or so more miles. Per hour.



Okay. We've got our equation ready and put into terms an idiot could understand, so let's solve it!


Light goes a kajillion billion miles per hour if you square it, and then you times it by the burger there, add fries, divide it by a highly respected Oscar-winning Bahamian, and that equals energy, which we also divide by the star of such films as "The Defiant Ones" and "To Sir, With Love."



And that's energy! Sciencey energy!



Okay, I feel better. I've got my education back. Time for a burger.





The Boat Trip
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life

by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks

and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome

young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.



He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live

for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can

stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring

you food every day."

Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added,

"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy".



The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?



That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a

lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three

sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love

until dawn.



Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was

discovered by the captain.



"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.



"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."



"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten

Island Ferry."



      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Using Baseball Terms For Sex
Guide to the Bases.



First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

-- First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I

knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing

and sometimes not.

--Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast

feeling , or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or

your partner.

--Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached

in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.



Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a

repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new

factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact

definitions?



Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and

present without further ado...Standardized Guide to the Bases:

--On Deck - Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out - Duh!!

--Walk - Kissing

--Bunt - Masturbation

--Single - Tongue kissing

--Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off,

lots of grabbing and feels

--Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual

masturbation

--Inside the park home run - Oral Sex

--Home Run - SEX!

--Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom

--Error - Condom breaks during sex

--Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom

--Hall of Fame - Marriage



Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to

better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk - Premature ejaculation

--Pine Tar - KY jelly

--Relief pitcher - Vibrator

--Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

--Box Seats - Waterbed

--Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions

--Rookie - Virgin

--Minor Leagues - Under 18

--Loaded Bases - a threesome

--Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours

--Foul tip - VD

--Three up and three down - impotency



Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the

old confusion with current clarity.



OLD WAY- we um got to third base I guess and then we um got

like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.



NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got an inside the

park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.



NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out,

when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a

relief pitcher.



Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the

confusion and helps you out...




      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Bad Connection?
"Bad Connection"



A husband went to work at 9 in the morning as usual.

For some reason he had to be back home later during

the day while running some errands. When he entered

the house, he was surprised to see his wife in bed with

a man who placed his head on her breasts.



The husband demanded, "What on earth are you doing?"



To which the stranger nonchalantly replied, "Quiet! I am

listening to music !!"



The husband shoved the stranger aside and said, "Let me

listen!" and placed his head on his wife's breasts.



He exclaimed in suspicion, "I don't seem to hear any music."



"Of course not," quipped the stranger, "You're not plugged in!"


      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)
Blow Job Ettiquette


BLOWJOB ETIQUETTE FOR MEN



1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw,

it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.

Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally,

do you really WANT puke?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -

get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit

so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just

because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high

school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and

leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,

don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately

afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my

behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to

speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the

moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule

#2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care

about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't

get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is

inappropriate to eithee sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I

have to "kiss it good morning".

      -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com)

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