3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 1 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Are You In The 2% Or In The 98% Of The Population? Are you in the 2% or in the 98% of the population? Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD! * Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. * There's no trick or surprise. * Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! * Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them ... really. * Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something). Think of a number from 1 to 10... Multiply that number by 9... If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together... Now subtract 5... Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.)... Now...think of a country that starts with that letter... Remember the last letter of the name of that country Now...think of the name of an animal that starts with that last letter... Remember the last letter in the name of that animal... Now...think of the name of a fruit that starts with that last letter... Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Jury Of Peers? Only in the good ol' "US of A"..... can these work out OK. A jury of peers? 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of LosAngeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses. It pays to be stupid here in the good ol' "US of A". -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Quiz For People Who Know Everything A Quiz For People Who Know Everything (1) There's one "sport" in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it? (2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (4) Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? (6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? (7) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw." They are all common. Name two of them. (8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the "Los Angeles Lakers?" (10) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls-a walk-is one way. Name the other six. (11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? (12) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet that begin with the letter "S." "Answers To Quiz" 1. Boxing. 2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. 3. Asparagus and rhubarb. 4. Baseball. 5. Strawberry. 6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems. 7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. 8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. 9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west. 10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. 11. Lettuce. 12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings. ...Well, now you know! Feel any smarter? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual Epitaphs Found On Tombstones ACTUAL EPITAPHS FOUND ON TOMBSTONES On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young. In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising. Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw. A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours. Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880's. He's buried in the Boot Hill Cemetry in Tombtone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More. In a Georgia cemetery: "I told you I was sick!" John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny. On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June - Jonathan Fiddle - Went out of tune. Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn't the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go. More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin' more Than he could pay. Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other. On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God. The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid" Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903--Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go. In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shal you be, Remember this and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which way you went. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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American In Paris AMERICAN IN PARIS This is a true story. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks, pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us. One day, in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she was look through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her. My sister was used to this bad treatment by now and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her. Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop. As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read "Dry Cleaners." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Brain Teasers Brain Teasers 1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? 2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be? 3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug? 4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away? 5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? 6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it! In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! - --scroll down for answers--- Answers: 1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. 2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry. 3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug. 4. The answer is Charcoal. 5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! 6. The letter "e", which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Did You Know......... Did you know......... It is impossible to lick your elbow. A crocodile can't stick it's tongue out. A shrimp's heart is in their head. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a milli-second. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand, or attempted to do so (apart from bones). It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit Between 1937 and 1945 Heinz produced a version of Alphabetti Spaghetti especially for the German market that consisted solely of little pasta swastikas. On average, a human being will have sex more than 3,000 times and spend two weeks kissing in their lifetime. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call. Rats and horses can't vomit. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times. If the U.S. government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles? In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks. In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. Most lipstick contains fish scales. Cat's urine glows under a black-light. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Famous One-liners Famous one-liners "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." * Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. "On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." * Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women) "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." * George Burns "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' " * Sandra Bullock "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" * Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld) "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." * Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner - 1996) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." * Sharon Stone "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." * Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." * Dan Rather (News anchorman) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" * Arnold Schwarzenegger "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." * Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." * Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot * * Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." * Rev. Jesse Jackson "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." * Jack Nicholson -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Goverment Research? If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!) If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....) You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?) In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??) Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....") Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez!) Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!) After reading all these, all I can say is.."Damn Pigs"!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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