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1

Real world
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,

"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."



"But I'm a college graduate!!" the young man replied indignantly.



"Oh, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."

Dear Professor Millington
Herbert A. Millington

Chair - Search Committee

412A Math Hall, University of Illinois

Urbana, IL



Dear Professor Millington,



Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I

regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer

me an assistant professor position in your department.



This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an

unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and

promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept

all refusals.



Despite UIUC's outstanding qualifications and previous experience

in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my

needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant

professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing

you then.



Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.



Sincerely,



(your name here)




      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Dear Dad *** Plus Others ***


Dear Dad



$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very

hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if

you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear

from you.



Love,

Your $on.



/////



Dear Son,



I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to

keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit

of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.



Love,

Dad



----------------------------



Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a lamp.

He picked up the lamp and rubbed it. Behold, a genie appeared. Bill

was amazed and asked if he got 3 wishes?



The genie told Bill that due to inflation and tough economic times,

only 1 wish could be granted.



Bill thought a minute and said I wish for peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting.



The genie looked at the map and said, You must be from Arkansas! These

countries have been fighting for thousands of years. I'm good, but not

that good, I don't think it can be done. Go ahead and make another

wish.





Again, Bill thought a minute and said, "You know people really don't

like my wife. They think she's a real pain and ugly as sin. I wish

that she be made the most beautiful and well liked women in the whole

world.



The genie thought for a minute and said, "Can I see that map again?"



----------------------------



The Lazy Husband





A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.

He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and

sit some more-- would never do those little household repairs that

most husbands take care of.





This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up.

When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is

clogged. Would you look at it?"





Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and

sat down on the sofa.





The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband

got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work.

Would you try to fix it for me?"





Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"





The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband

got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer

isn't running. Would you check on it?"





And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag

repairman?





Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called

three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the

washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the

repairmen out today."





He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"





"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake

or having sex with them."





"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.





She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"



----------------------------



Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is

finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres

of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.







Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Other- wise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so

of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone

knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded

Vermonter standing there.





"Name's Enoch. Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.

Havin' a party Saturday. Thought you'd like to come."





"Great," says Sam. "After six months of this I'm ready to meet

some local folks. Thank you."







As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you, there's gonna be

some drinkin'."



"Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can

do that with the best of them."



Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be

some fightin', too."



Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people.

I'll be there. Thanks again."





Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at

these parties, too."



"Now that's not a problem," says Sam. "Remember I've been alone for

six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I

wear to the party?"







Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. It's

just gonna be the two of us."



----------------------------



As reported by the San Jose Mercury News:



During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded

United flight was cancelled.



A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped

his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight

and it has to be first class."



The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help

you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be

able to work something out."



The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the

passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public

address microphone.



"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing

throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES

NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please

come to the gate."



With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man

glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F**k you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll

have to stand in line for that, too."



The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly.

Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no

longer angry at United.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
50 Fun Things To Do On The First Day Of Class
50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class



by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu







1.Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by

waving it and

saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

2.Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the

overhead projector.

3.Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp

points.

4.Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5.When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my

name, don't

wear it out!"

6.Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

7.Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would

go if he died tomorrow.

8.Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9.Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10.Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks.

In the middle

of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask

whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11.Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says

no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12.Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your

intention to pursue a career in measurements and

units.

13.Sing your questions.

14.Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15.When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh,

no, sorry."

16.Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you

actually are Chinese, insist that your name is

Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

17.Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18.Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

19.Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

20.Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang

cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21.Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick

your lips.

22.Address the professor as "your excellency".

23.Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been

drinking.

24.Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

25.Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26.Ask whether you have to come to class.

27.Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

28.Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

29.Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee

henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor

can't understand you.

30.Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard

erasers.

31.Watch the professor through binoculars.

32.Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

33.Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside

you, and

ask for one extra copy of each handout.

34.When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

35.Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation

of your name,

even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

36.Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and

snickering.

37.As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.

Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do

so anyway.

38.Claim that you wrote the class text book.

39.Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and

scream "IMPOSTER!"

40.Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

41.Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup

Sheet #5"

at the top, and start passing it around the

room.

42.Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the

professor answers.

43.Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for

"stud".

44.Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

45.Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while

playing with the spring. Go on furtive

expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

46.Wink at the professor every few minutes.

47.In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes

in ghosts.

48.Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

49.Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

50.Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of

ancient Greek trade routes down farther because

you can't see Macedonia.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Three Men Were Using The Urinals In A Public Restroom.
Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom.



The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the

sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and

water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands

(with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular,

"At USC I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the

bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.



The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks,

and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man,

doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his

hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in

particular, "At UCLA, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO

learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode

from the bathroom with a purposeful air.



The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and

ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At CAL, I

learned not to pee on my hands."


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Introductory Chemistry At Duke
Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion

years

by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately

known as

"Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past

him to

come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these

two

guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the

quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the

final

they had a solid A.



These two friends were so confident going into the final that the

weekend

before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they

decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So

they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and

everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to

Duke

until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what

they

did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why

they

missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the

weekend,

and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a

flat

tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for

a

long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this

over

and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following

day.

The two guys were elated and relieved.



So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that

Bonk

had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of

them a

test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first

problem,

which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth

5

points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did

that

problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for

what

they saw on the next page. It said:



(95 points) Which tire?




      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
"yesterday"
"Yesterday"



Yesterday,

all my finals seemed so far away.

Then I realized they start today.

Oh, how I long for yesterday.



Suddenly,

I no longer have the grade of "B".

Now it's looking closer to a "C".

Oh, finals came so suddenly.



I can

cram, although I can blow

it off today.

Come to-

morrow morn, I'll get on

my knees and pray...



Yesterday,

This was such an easy tune to play.

Now my chops are all but gone away,

My jury's a half-hour away.



What I

have to show

I don't know,

the prof won't say.

I'll spell

something wrong, or I'll bomb..

... there goes my "A"...



Yesterday.

Thought of graduating come this May.

Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,

oh, how I long for Yesterday.


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
College Student Light Bulb Jokes
COLLEGE STUDENT LIGHT BULB JOKES

--------------------------------



How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.



How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the

experience.



How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None--Hanover doesn't have electricity.



How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the

pressure.



How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.



How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six--one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the

lightbulb's right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a

counter-protest.



How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None--New Haven looks better in the dark.



How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.



How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five--one to design a nuclear-powered bulb that never needs

changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston

using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it, and one to

write the computer program that controls the wall switch.



How many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven--One to screw it and ten to support its sexual

orientation.



How many Middlebury students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect

J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.



How many Stanford students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, dude.



How many Oberlin students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three--One to change it and two to figure out how to get high

off the old one.



How many Georgetown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four--One to change it, one to call Congress about their

progress, and two to throw the old bulb at American U.

students.



How many Duke students does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough to get the

bulb out of the socket.



How many Bates students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he has to go to L.L. Bean to get the same one

everyone else has.



How many Williams students does it take to change a lightbulb?

The whole student body--when you're snowed in, there's nothing

else to do.



How many Tufts students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two--One to change the bulb and one to say loudly how he did

it as well as an Ivy League student.



How many Sarah Lawrence students does it take to change a

lightbulb?

Five--One to change the bulb and four to do an interpretive

dance about it.



How many Swarthmore students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eight--It's not that one isn't smart enough to do it, it's

just that they're all violently twitching from too much

stress.



How many Mount Holyoke students does it take to change a

lightbulb?

One--she calls a Smithie to do it.



How many Smith students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One--all you need is one hot woman and you'll never have a

heterosexual lightbulb again.



How many Boston University students does it take to change a

lightbulb?

Four--One to change the bulb and two to check his math

homework.



How many Amherst students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thirteen--One to change the bulb and an a capella group to

immortalize the event in song.



How many Wesleyan students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Wesleyan's boycotting GE--you know, military-industrial

complex and all that.



How many Connecticut College students does it take to change a

lightbulb?

Two--One to change the bulb and one to complain about how if

they were at a better school the lightbulb wouldn't go out.



How many Bucknell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One--but he'll only change it if he can put in a white-light

bulb.



How many Bowdoin students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three--One to ski down to the general store and buy the bulb,

one to take the chairlift back to school, and one to screw it

in.



How many Bard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One--but she'll only do it if it's an alternative light bulb.



How many Boston College students does it take to change a

lightbulb?

Seven--One to change the light bulb and six to throw a party

because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.



How many Reed students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One--and she doesn't even need a ladder because she has

platform Birkenstocks.




      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Taken From The Mit Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991
*File Description: Student Satisfaction Survey*
Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991



The Best and Worst Comments Received

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D

=

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D



"This class was a religious experience for me...

I had to take it all on faith."



"Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."



"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."



"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."



"Textbook is confusing...

Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."



"Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another?

That's the way I felt all term."



"In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."



"Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."



"The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant.

Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."



"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."



"In class the syllabus is more important than you are."



"I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his

class."



"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"



"Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam

material."



"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was,

where I was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

=20

"He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,

presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I

hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

=20

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels.

They've got a cool nest in the tree."

=20

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

=20

"This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and

Thursdays."

=20

"Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class.

Then solidarity kicked in."

=20

"Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

=20

"The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

=20

"TA steadily improved throughout the course...

I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."

=20

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose --

spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

=20

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led

Zeppelin tapes that I used more while doing the problem sets

that I would have used the text."

=20

"What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality

paper.'"


      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)
Universal Grade Change Form
UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

____________________University



To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________



I think my grade in your nobbish course,______________, should be

changed from ______ to an A for the following reasons:



______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get

into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______Hairclub for Men ______Black Panthers

______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in

____________.

______5. I'll lose my Nebraska track scholarship.

______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and Olga couldn't find a

copy of your exam.

______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used

did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every

little nasty tidbit.

______9. I learned all the tidbits and orbital diagrams but your exams

asked about general principles.

_____10. You are prejudiced against:

______Males ______Jews ______Blacks

______Females ______Catholics ______Deported Shiites

______Protestants ______Crips ______Minorities

______Chicanos ______Grimace ______Rotund People

_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disown me or

at least cut my allowance.

_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the

following illnesses:

______mono ______cholera

______acute alcoholism ______spontaneous combustion

______jammed finger ______yeast infection

_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly

how you wanted that done.

_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade damn it.

_____16. The lectures were:

______too detailed to pick out important points

______not explained in sufficient detail

______too boring

______all jokes and not enough material

______had this big fat guy teaching the class

_____17. This course was:

______too early, I was not awake.

______at lunchtime, I was hungry

______too late, I was tired

_____18. My (dog, cat, goat) (ate, tossed yard, upchucked on) my

(book, notes, pant leg) for this course.

      -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/)

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