4931 Famous Quotes In Our Database
205 Thoughts Quotes
This is page 9 of 14 pages displaying a total of 205 Thoughts quotes.
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-14 NEXT >>
|
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
-- Jack Handey |
|
One day my friend called and said, "I FOUND JESUS!" and my response was "Great we are going to be rich." But it turned out to be something completely different.
-- Jack Handey |
|
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
-- Jack Handey |
|
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
-- Jack Handey |
|
One day I saw a big kid beating up a little kid. I went over to the little kid and gave him a swift kick. He probably deserved it.
-- Jack Handey |
|
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
-- Jack Handey |
|
You know how to paint a room real fast? Just put paint rollers on your feet and then somehow figure out how to skate up the walls and across the ceiling.
-- Jack Handey |
|
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way that you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait it's not love I'm thinking of, I'm thinking of a monorail.
-- Jack Handey |
|
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
-- Jack Handey |
|
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?"
-- Jack Handey |
|
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
-- Jack Handey |
|
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
-- Jack Handey |
|
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-- Jack Handey |
|
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
-- Jake Johansen |
|
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
-- Jake Mayberry |
<< PREVIOUS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 | 10-14 NEXT >>
| Famous (233) - Authors (385) - Celebrities (179) - Scholars (48) - Song Lyrics (125) Off The Wall (768) | Silly (522) - Thoughts (205) Technology (198) - Imaginings (443) - Timeless/motivation (51) |
