3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
37 Work Jokes
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ok with me ( dust if you must ) Remember...a layer of dust protects the Wood beneath it. Dusting "A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture." I can't tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect - "in case someone came over". Then I realized one day that no-one came over; they were all out living life and having fun! Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice. Life is short. Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need? Dust if you must, but there's not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead. Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again. Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind.. And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make more dust! Share this with all the wonderful women in your life! I JUST DID. It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived. |
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Airline Tale An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. As would have it, the airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said: "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!" The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am...??" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement: "May I have your attention please..." she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "(Expletive) YOU..!!!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Stewardess Banter Up in the Air ------------- Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." "Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!" Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here a US Airways." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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American Corporate Indicators Subject: You know you work for an American company in the late 90's if: 1) Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket. 2) You get really excited about a 3% pay raise. 3) Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. 4) You sit in an office smaller than your bedroom closet. 5) Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' combined annual budgets, and the Executive Board members are talking to stock holders saying medical benefits must be cut for common employees in order to compete with these same third world countries. 6) It's dark when you drive to and from work. 7) Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 8) "Communication" is something your group is having problems with. 9) You see a good looking person and you know it is a visitor. 10) Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. 11) Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. 12) Art involves a white board and erasable marker. 13) You're already late on the assignment you were just assigned. 14) You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" 15) Dilbert cartoons hang outside every office. 16) Your boss's favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you", "here is a challenge." 17) Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers." 18) Change is the norm. 19) You read this entire list and understood it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Alexander The Great's Committee The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6:00 P. M. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6:00 P. M. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least! So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6:00 P. M. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6:00 P. M.," he said, "Cost is no object." A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed color at 6:00 P. M. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6:00 P. M. by the color change, and could consistently get to the 6:00 P. M. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much. It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in these new strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the color change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious. Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the naval and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public. A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6:00 P. M., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening. Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a timeband, and in honor of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... 'Alexander's Rag Timeband!' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Att's Idea Of Telemarketing One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: Me: Hello AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? Me: Yes, is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent. AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute. Are you sure this is AT&T? AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but...... Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for..... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold on. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr. Byron? Me: Yeah? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program. Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is. I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort. Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan. Supervisor: Ok, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you. Me: Thank you. I was on hold once again and was getting really hungry. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone. AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan? Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother... AT&T: (click) -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Boss Who's the Boss? When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days... The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss. This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss... Just an Asshole. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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American Business Strategy Analogy A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program." The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives. _________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Game Warden A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cia Assassin Applications And Interviews A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The first man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!! I could never shoot my own wife!!" "Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So, they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is our final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for about 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!! I had to beat him to death with the chair!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
