3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
8 Engineer Jokes
This is page 1 of 1 pages displaying a total of 8 Engineer jokes.
1
|
Comprehending Engineers Comprehending Engineers, -- Take one! A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" Comprehending Engineers-Take Two There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "It is here your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999 It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. Comprehending Engineers-Take Three What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. Comprehending Engineers-Take Four The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Comprehending Engineers-Take Five Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Comprehending Engineers-Take Six An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Postulates For Success o Postulates for Success! Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why this is true: Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money. As every engineer knows, Work ------ = Power Time Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have Work ------ = knowledge Money Solving for Money, we get: Work --------- = Money Knowledge Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done. Conclusion: The Less you Know, the more you Make. Y Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance. ? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Engineer's Valentine Poem Engineer's Valentine Poem ========================= I was alone and all was dark Beneath me and above My life was full of volts and amps But not the spark of love But now that you are here with me My heart is overjoyed You turn the square of my heart Into a sinusoid You load things from my memory Onto my system's bus My life was once assembly code Now it's C++ I love the way you solder things My circuits you can fix The voltage across your diode is much more than just point six With your amps and resistors You have built my integrator I cannot survive without you You are my function generator You have charged my life, increased my gain And made my maths discreet And now I'll end my poem here Control, Alt, and Delete -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Engineers Explained Engineers Explained ------------------- People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, ut without the hassle of grooming. Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth. ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You... A. Straighten it. B. Ignore it. C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who rites "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing." SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction: *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation *Important social contacts *A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: *Get it over with as soon as possible. *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant. *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys. FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste. LOVE OF "STAR TREK" Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: * Bill Gates. * MacGyver. * Etcetera. Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day. HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below. "I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow." "I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer." FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?" POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it. RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS * Hindenberg. * Space Shuttle Challenger. * SPANet(tm) * Hubble space telescope. * Apollo 13. * Titanic. * Ford Pinto. * Corvair. The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame. Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much." EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: * How smart they are. * How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
You Might Be An Engineering Major... Sad But True: YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEERING MAJOR... :if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. :if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division :if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." :if you've actually used every single function on your graphics calculator :if when you look in a mirror, you see an engineering major :if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer :if you frequently whislte the theme song to "McGyver." :if you always do homework on friday nights. :if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. :if you think in "math." :if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. :if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. :if you have a pet named after a scientist. :if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. :if the Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. :if you can translate English into Binary. :if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building marked "EXIT" :if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind chill factor in the lab. :if you are completely addicted to caffeine. :if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. :if you consider ANY non-science course "easy" :if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. :if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. :if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. :if you understood more than five of these indicators :if you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your door. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
There Was This Male Engineer, On A Cruise
Ship In The Caribbean There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Fate Of An Engineer Fate of an Engineer Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard, and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest. Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up, hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well. The engineer is next. He, too, decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine. Suddenly the engineer says, "Hey, I see what your problem is!" *************************************************************************** ** *** Knowing the Enemy A pilot is flying his helicopter, loaded with very rich, very important clients taking an airborne tour of Washington State. After a few hours of breathtaking scenery, the pilot notifies the passengers that they are low on fuel and will have to return to the airstrip very soon. Almost immediately, the helicopter runs into fog so thick that the passengers can't even see out the windows. The pilot soon gets lost amidst the clouds and begins to wander the skies, looking for his home airport. After about ten minutes, the "low fuel" light begins to flash, worrying the tense passengers even more. The pilot, afraid of having to ditch his only helicopter, searches the plain whiteness even harder for any sign of his airport. Suddenly ... he sees a skyscraper looming in the mist. He hovers the helicopter outside one of the skyscraper's windows. Rolling down his window, he asks an office worker, "Where am I?" to which the worker replies, "You are in a helicopter." The pilot smiles, banks left, and drops down in the middle of Seattle Airport just as his helicopter runs out of fuel. "How did you do it?" asks his co-pilot. "Simple. The answer provided by the office worker was entirely correct, but totally useless ... so I knew I was at the Microsoft Tech Support Office. From there, finding the airport is easy!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Debating What Type Of
Engineer God Was... Three engineers were gathered around one evening debating of what type of engineer God was. The first argued that God must truly be a mechanical engineer. Look at the human form... its blend of simplicity and complexity... the overall utility in the design... how it transmitted loads with such effectiveness... surely there can be no doubt. The second pointed out the intricate circuitry and logic paths of the nervous systems and declared that God must indeed be an electrical engineer. The third shook his head sadly and said that his companions were gravely mistaken. God must be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal system through a recreational area? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
1
