3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Sexes Jokes
This is page 1 of 6 pages displaying a total of 59 Sexes jokes.
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Why Men Are Just Happier People Why Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Holiday shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier! |
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Why Men Are Just Happier People Why Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Holiday shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier! |
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WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE AT LEAST THIS ONE IS SHORT. Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer whenever he wanted. THE END |
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Friendship Friendship Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. |
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It's great to be a guy Great Reasons To Be A Guy: ************************* Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices or cares. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, don't have to ignore him all evening. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. Wrinkles are non-exsistant in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe all your life. You don't have to shave anywhere below your neck. A beer belly makes you look sexy. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all year around |
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Clever Wife Clever Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." ( Send this to every clever female you know! ) |
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The Joys of Womanhood The Joys of Womanhood Brilliant Woman Author Unknown Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them. One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs. My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes! Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. Celebrate Womanhood! Please forward this page to all the brilliant women in your life! Send this page to all the beautiful, intelligent, talented, charming, hilarious women in your life! -- Brilliant Woman Author Unknown |
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Two Brooms Two Brooms Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!! IMPOSSIBLE !! said the groom broom. Scroll down..... Are you ready for this? "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER |
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Why God Q: why did god give women legs? A: so they dont leave a snail trail. -- jim zinszer |
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Art Of Showering HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed area. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note must do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off the shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any expose area. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo woo sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. 9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area. 11. Wash your butt leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar. 12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 13. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 14. Peek out the shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again. 15. Pee (in the shower). 16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out the tub the whole time. 17. Partially dry off. 18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again. 19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 20. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the woo woo sound again. 22. Throw wet towel on the bed |
