3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
59 Quotes Jokes
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Aphorisms THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY or Aphorisms For Our Time -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 1. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 2. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 3. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. 4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 5. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 7. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 9. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others. 11. Ray's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 12. Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 13. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. 14. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 15. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 17. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 18. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 19. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 20. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 21. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 22. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 23. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 25. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 26. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. 27. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. 28. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 29. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 30. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. _____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Aphorisms Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places. Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you do. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on. A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink. The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them. Money isn't everything.... there's credit cards, money orders, and traveler's checks. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bagpipe One Liners Bagpipe Gags ------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion? A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe. ----------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. ----------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch? A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded? A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention. ----------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? A. You can tune the lawn mower. ----------------------------------------------------- Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating. ------------------------------------------------------- Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe? A. Add vibrato. ------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the definition of a gentleman? A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't. ------------------------------------------------------- Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road? A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. ---------------------------------------------------- Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning? A. They rarely strike the same spot twice. ----------------------------------------------------- Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune? A. Someone is blowing into it. ----------------------------------------------------- If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A. To get away from the sound. ------------------------------------------------------ Q. What's the definition of "optimism" A. A bagpiper with a beeper. +----------------------------------+ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Confucious Says Confucius Says: 1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. 5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly. 6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day. 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. 8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone. 9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. 10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew. 11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk. 12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement 13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. 14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts. 15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. 16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. 17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. 18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes--she no lady! Confuscius also say: Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution in hand. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Children Say The Darnest Things Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age 12 Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Rosemary, Age 7 Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carrol, Age 9 Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age 12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never try to baptize a cat. Laura, Age 13 Never spit when on a roller coaster. Scott, Age 11 Never do pranks at a police station. Sam, Age 10 Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving. Rob, Age 10 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13 Forget the cake, go for the icing. Cynthia, Age 8 Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house. Joanne, Age 11 -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chain Letter Revenge Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion frigging forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 frigging cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bull. So basically, this message is a big SCREW YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Screw them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't frigging care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. P.S. Please forward thisto at least 50 of your best friends! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Ultimate Urban Myth Chain Letter I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man named Richard Brunner, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which was like deja vu as earlier in the day he found a mouse inside his Coke can). He had a big fight that night with his new girlfriend Francesca Irina Deeyenda and so anyway, he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEENSTOLEN, and he saw a note pinned to his pillow that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Neiman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily, he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the he shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. And it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Definitions For Cynics DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY" ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise. FIBER: Edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp. FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting-edge cliches. JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. LECHER: A stud with liver spots. LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it. OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for our neighbor's parakeet. POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception. QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person wating for the opportunity to become an oppressor. SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts. STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete. TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative. UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork. URINAL: The one place where all men are peers. VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace. WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. READ MORE AT "THE CYNIC'S SANCTUARY" http://www.amz.com/cynic "The Cynic's Dictionary" is published by William Morrow. All definitions (c) Rick Bayan. Submitted by: Rick Bayan @ aol.com -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Deep Thoughts ha ha ha...huh? I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. ======== I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. ======== Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. ======== What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. ======== Instead of a trap door, how about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. ======== During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." ======== If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. ======== When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. ======== I remember how my uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. ======== Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. ======== If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. ======== If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's ok to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. ======== Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? ======== If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. ======== One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. ======== If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. ======== Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." ======== Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. ======== For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? ======== I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. ======== If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" ======== Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. ======== Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. ======== I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." ======== I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. ======== I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. ======== If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." ======== The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." ======== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dictionary Terms AMBIGUITY, n. [1] the lack of clarity in speech -- or, perhaps, something else; [2] the language of politics and statesmanship DICTIONARY, n. [1] the only place where: (a) divorce comes before marriage, and (b) success comes before work; [2] a malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a more useful work {Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary} HUMOR, n. [1] a feat, after the invention of language, which is man's proudest achievement ITALIC, n. [1] the language spoken by ancient Italians KANGAROO, n. [1] is actually "what did you say?" in the language of the Australian natives. {Captain Cook's mistake} KINDNESS, n. [1] a language that the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear LANGUAGE, n. [1] the most important form of intercourse practiced by man -- next to sex; [2] a system which was developed to allow humanity to complain without killing or maiming. LINGUIST, n. [1] a talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language; [2] a person who can be misunderstood in many languages LOVE, n. [1] the most slippery word in the human language -- used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species OFFICIALESE, n. [1] a government language where you can understand the words, but not the sentences PHILOSOPHY, n. [1] a system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd POET(S) n. [1] an individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship -- except a misprint RIOT, n. [1] the language of the unheard SLANDER, n. [1] to lie about someone -- or tell the truth SLANG, n. [1] a language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work; [2] the one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward SLOGAN, n. [1] a good old American substitute for the facts; [2] our modern commercial replacement for quality; [3] a politician's banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters brains SPECIALIST, n. [1] a learned person who can name a horse in nine langu- ages and buys a cow to ride YIDDISH, n. [1] a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek; [2] the rich traditional language of organized complaint -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
