3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
19 Seasonal Jokes
This is page 1 of 2 pages displaying a total of 19 Seasonal jokes.
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Christmas And Hannukah Merge Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids-a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Christmas Singing Parrot One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ... " The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No,"the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night. Holy Night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life): "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Costume Choices At Halloween Can Be Frustrating From Hope: Trick or Treat There were these two black children trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one, Robert, turned to his sister Francine and said, "I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel." Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. They came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell. "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled in unison. The old man at the door peered down at them and said. "And who are you?" "Why, we're Hansel and Gretel," Robert said. The man shook his head."You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white." And then he slammed the door on their faces. Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. "I know," he said. "You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue." So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door. A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier. "Trick or Treat," Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened. Once again the man stared down at them and said, "Who might you be?" "Why, we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue," Robert said. The man shook his head and said. "You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue. They were white." And he slammed the door on their faces. Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags empty. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers. When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch. "Well, what do we have here?" he asked. "Two M&Ms," Robert said. "One plain, and one with nuts." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Costume Difficulties For The Party There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed, since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads; "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a candied apple!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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How The Angel Got Atop The Tree One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Johnny's Gift At Xmas Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift. Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!" Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Son-in-law's Gift One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Santa's Reindeer's Antlers Christmas Thought According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Butterball Turkey Hotline TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL TURKEY HOTLINE ------------------------------------------------ Where people call to get advice how to cook a turkey from the experts: * Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Halloween Vs Sex The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex: 10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you ARE someone else. 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the next morning. AND.... 1. You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
