3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
14 Food & Drink Jokes
This is page 1 of 2 pages displaying a total of 14 Food & Drink jokes.
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Delicacy An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!" The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins." |
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All Beer Diet THE "BEER ME" DIET -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bullfight Victory Meal A man and his wife are visiting Mexico and go to the local restaurant for dinner. They can't seen to decide on what to have so they spend a lot of time looking over the menu. While they are looking, they hear a trumpet fanfare, and out of the kitchen comes the cook with a big platter. He is accompanied by two or three waiters and with much ceremony, they place the platter on the next table and uncover it to reveal two rather large rounded pieces of meat surrounded by vegetables and lots of garnish. The man and wife ask their waiter what that was all about and the waiter explains that the next table was just served the house specialty--the testicles of the bull from the day's bullfight. The man and his wife ask for the same dish and the waiter explains that there is only one bullfight per day so they can't have that dish tonight, however, they could be the persons of honor tomorrow night and that makes the couple happy. They return the next day and await the feast. There is the trumpet fanfare, and the big procession and all the hoop-de-do and they set the platter down and uncover it only to reveal two rather small morsels. When the man asks the waiter, " what gives--yesterday's were so much larger?" To which the waiter replies, "Well senor, you must understand, some days the bull wins." ___________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Chili Cook Off Contest Chili cook off Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick... JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild... FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang... JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously... FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans... JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers... FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano... Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift!" Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing... JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili... FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled... it's kinda cute... Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive... JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement... FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming... Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers... JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb... FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later... Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers... JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress... FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue... Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself... JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence... FRANK: Momma??!! _______________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Candy Bar Puns cute!*LOL* The Birth of a Candybar It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream. "Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff". I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-Ho and i'll give you a Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) she screamed, "Oh your Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starbust! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...Baby Ruth! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Coffee In Excess Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen? 1st customer: I'll have tea. 2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean! (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass? ~~~ Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! Of course, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago... YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN..... * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Your so jittery that people use your hands to shake paint cans. * Cocaine is a downer. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * When you call radio talk shows, they ask you to turn yourself down. * Your life goal is to amount to a hill of beans. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You're up to four heart attacks a day. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London. * You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. * You think Columbia would be a great vacation destination! * You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Diet ~~~ Low-Stress Diet Plan ~~~ The reason most diets fail is that the dieter has no "release" from their strict routine, and as a result will cheat and actually gain weight! This causes imeasurable stress to their physical and emotional well being. The following diet was scientifically balanced to overcome this barrier: BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz glass skim milk LUNCH: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookie MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: The rest of the package of Oreo cookies (Break in two first, see below) 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream, etc... DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza 1 2-liter bottle of pop 3 Milky Way candy bars 1 entire cheesecake REPEAT DAILY UNTIL DESIRED RESULTS ARE OBTAINED. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following guidelines will assist your progress: 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not bright enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 7. There are no calories in food eaten from someone else's plate. 8. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not one's personal fuel. 9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off utensils have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Newer Diet ++++++ ~~~ Low-Stress Diet Plan ~~~ The reason most diets fail is that the dieter has no "release" from their strict routine, and as a result will cheat and actually gain weight! This causes imeasurable stress to their physical and emotional well being. The following diet was scientifically balanced to overcome this barrier: BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz glass skim milk LUNCH: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookie MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: The rest of the package of Oreo cookies (Break in two first, see below) 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream, etc... DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza 1 2-liter bottle of pop 3 Milky Way candy bars 1 entire cheesecake REPEAT DAILY UNTIL DESIRED RESULTS ARE OBTAINED. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The following guidelines will assist your progress: 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not bright enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 7. There are no calories in food eaten from someone else's plate. 8. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not one's personal fuel. 9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off utensils have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bake A Fruit Cake Here's a "fruitcake" recipe that you really should try. FRUIT CAKE RECIPE 1 Cup of Water 1 Cup of Sugar 4 Large Eggs 2 Cups of Dried Fruit 1 Teaspoon of Baking Soda 1 Teaspoon of Salt 1 Cup of Brown Sugar Lemon Juice Nuts 1 Bottle of Whiskey (High Quality) Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and check in the cup of drier fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of sale, or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed. NEXT MORNING TOSS OUT THE CAKE-EVERYONE KNOWS THERE IS JUST ONE FRUITCAKE AND IT JUST KEEPS BEING PASSED AROUND THE COUNTRY AS A GIFT. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Neiman Marcus Urban Myth AMERICAN FOLKLORE My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That's outrageous!! I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Nieman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus... for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off, and slammed down the phone on her. So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this... I don't want Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe.... (Recipe may be halved.): $250 DOLLAR COOKIE RECIPE: 2 cups butter 4 cups flour 2 tsp. soda 2 cups sugar 5 cups blended oatmeal ** 24 oz. chocolate chips 2 cups brown sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated) 4 eggs 2 tsp. baking powder 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice) 2 tsp. vanilla** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
