3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
21 Puns Jokes
This is page 1 of 3 pages displaying a total of 21 Puns jokes.
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The Ambulance A guy was coming home from work in the city, driving country roads to get home. He looks in his rear view mirror and sees an ambulance. He pulls over and as the ambulance passes, he sees the the back door is open a little. The ambulance goes over a bump and out falls an ice chest. The guy rushes over to the ice chest and opens it up. Inside is a human toe in the ice. He sees he can't catch the ambulance so he gets in his car and rushes to the nearest gas station to call 911. They tell him they will send a car right away but that all of their patrol cars are in use and to just wait 20 minutes. So he waits 20 minutes until the tow truck shows up. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bar Twist A certain psychiatrist had fallen into the habit, each day after work, to stop in the local bar for a drink to relax. Being a man of strange tastes, his favorite drink was a chicory daiquiri. Dick, the bartender, had only this one customer who requested this strange concoction, but because the Doctor was a regular, he kept a supply of chicory, in the refrigerator. The Doctor always stopped in at the same time evey day, so Dick was able to prepare the drink ahead of time and have it ready and waiting for this regular customer. One day, as Dick was preparing for the Doctors arrival, he discovered he had run out of chicory. He was frantic to find a solution to his problem. Then he noticed a bottle of hickory flavoring on the shelf. In the hopes the Doctor would not notice, he prepared the drink and slid it onto the bar just as his customer sat down. After the Doctor took the first sip, he asked, " Is this a Chickory daiquiri Dick?" "No, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!" was the reply. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bear Attack These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears: "OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really piss these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth" "Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster pissed off, and you guys get the cubs ? That's not fair!" "Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Bear At The Bar A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, " We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him, " We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear, very angry now, says, " If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says, " Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says" Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana that are on drugs." The bears says, " I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, " Yes, you are, that was a barbitchyouate." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Bird On The Windshield The most bizarre thing just happened to me today on my way home from work: Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got a wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green, and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do... it actually worked! On the upswing, the bird flew off - and here is the crazy thing - it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me: A POLICE CAR! (No, it didn't get caught under his windshield wipers.) Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Flossing The husband stood in front of the bathroom mirror, carefully flossing his teeth. "Ooh!" he would sigh every once in a while, or "Aaah!" as the little thread did its work. Suddenly and seemingly without provocation, his wife stomped into the bathroom and gave him a swift kick. Bewildered, the husband demanded, " What was that for ? " I'm sorry, " his wife replied stiffly, . . . "but I just don't believe in sighing flossers." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Catastrophe Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Glass Pants A man saw a sign in a clothing store which said "We sell everything!" The guy walked up to the clerk and asked her for some glass pants. The woman replied, "Sorry sir we don't sell those." The man argued that the sign stated that the store sold everything. The woman remarked that glass pants did not even exist. The man went to his home, and came back to the store wearing a pair of glass pants. The man said triumphantly, "See, I told you that they existed!" The woman said, "At first I thought you were crazy...but now I see you're nuts!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Hungry Panda A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Larry And Beth Hill Larry Hill and his new wife, Beth, were vacationing on a small Carribian Island. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late, and raining very hard. Larry could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Larry attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Larry shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Larry knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Larry carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Larry immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Larry Hill, and this is my wife, Beth. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him." Larry brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor, I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Beth and carries her downstairs, with Larry following closely. Igor is placeing Beth on a table in the lab when Larry suddenly collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Larry on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Quickly, prepare a transfusion!" Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Larry and Beth Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Beth Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Larry's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Beth sits straight up, then Larry! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master, "Master, Master! The Hills are alive! ...with the sound of music!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
