3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
61 Children Jokes
This is page 1 of 7 pages displaying a total of 61 Children jokes.
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Why Parents Get Gray The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."- |
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11 Year Olds' Science Exams The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds' science exams. (Probably English kids, given the spelling of "colour") "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire." "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water." "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube." "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration." "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor." For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead" "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat" "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow." "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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1st Day Of School 1st day of school It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for that of Suzuki who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775." Very good! "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?'" Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863. " The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about American history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up: "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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3 Little Pigs 3 LITTLE PIGS. . . . . . . . . . One day Tommy was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" Tommy raised his hand and said "I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Fire Fighter Is Working On An Engine A fire fighter is working on an engine, outside the station, when he notices a little boy and his small red wagon with tiny ladders hung off the side. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter says, "Hey little partner, what are you doing?" The little boy says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman, and this is my fire truck." The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That's sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks mister," the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar, and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A First Grade Teacher Was Having Trouble A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade." The teacher says to the principal, "May I ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both nod in agreement. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment: "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Johnny replied, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Friend Of Mine Punished His 3-year-old Daughter Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, ""This is for you, Daddy."" He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, ""Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, ""Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."" The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Group Of Kindergartners A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words." She then asked Joey what he had done. " I took a ride on a choo choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a book", he replied. "That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Eddie thought about it, then puffing out his chest with pride replied, "Winnie the Shit." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Little Boy And Girl Go Trick Or Treating. A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're Chocolate M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He got nuts. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Preschool Teacher Was Teaching Her Class A preschool Teacher was teaching her class She was going around and asking everyone to use the word Definitely in a sentence She first goes to little Suzy "Little Suzie use the word definitely in a sentence" says the teacher little Suzie says " The sky is definitely Blue" "Very good" Then she goes to little Mikey "little Mikey use the word definitely in a sentence" Little Mikey says "The grass is definitely green' "very good" then she gets to little Johnny "Little Johnny use the word definitely in a sentence" Little Johnny says "Farts definitely have lumps in them" The teacher replies that ain't right he then says "Then I definitely crapped my pants" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
