3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
50 Redneck Jokes
This is page 1 of 5 pages displaying a total of 50 Redneck jokes.
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Game Warden A Northern Ontario redneck was stopped by a game warden just outside of North Bay, Ontario recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving an area lake well known for the fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the redneck. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" We in Northern Ontario may not be as smart as some, but we aren't as dumb as most. -- Trish Wells ( she sent it to us :) ) |
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Redneck Intellectual Quotes Redneck Intellectual Quotes 1. Life is simpler when you plow around a stump. 2. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere lawnmower. 3. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, never yelled. 4. Meanness just don't happen overnight. 5. Forgive your enemies. It'll mess up their heads. 6. Never sell your mule to buy a new plow. 7. Never corner a critter meaner than you. 8. It sure don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. 9. You just never can unsay a cruel thing. 10. Everyones path has got some puddles. 11. When you wallow'n with pigs, just expect to get dirty. 12. The best sermons ain't preached, they're lived. 13. Most of the stuff people worries about never happens. 14. Don't squat with your spurs on. 15. Never judge people just by their relatives. 16. Remember, silence is sometimes the best answer. 17. Live a good, honorable life cause when you get older and think back, you kin enjoy it a second time 18. Don't interfere with sumpin that ain't botherin' you none. 19. Country fences should be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. 20. Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounces back |
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OKLAHOMA wisdom, By Will Rogers OKLAHOMA wisdom, By Will Rogers Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following: 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. ABOUT GROWING OLDER.... First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf. And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at your aches and pains, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. -- Will Rogers |
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A Pregnant Woman Gets In A Car Accident A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Short Lesson On Southernisms A short lesson on Southernisms If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches. The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press on Nails. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance. The North has the Mafia, The South has the Klan. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, The South has craw dads. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all a'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Ventriloquist Cowboy A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun... Cowboy: "Hey, that's a fine dog. Mind if I talk to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog "Doin' alright." Indian: (look of extreme shock!) Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at Indian) Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good; walks me twice a day, feeds me good food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian: (look of disbelief!) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: (look of extreme shock!) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Indian) Horse:=A0 "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me inside to protect me from the elements." Indian: (total look of amazement!) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep Crazy - Big-Time Liar!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Actual Student's Answers Actual student's answers from Huntsville, Alabama school district Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport. Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. School Quiz -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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After Having Their 11th Child After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... Also works in Tennessee, Arkansas and West Virginia. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Airplane Meeting Airplane Meeting A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he as ever seen, sitting next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer", she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?" "Well", she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry", she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!" "Tonto!” the man says, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Alabama Hunters Alabama Hunters A couple of Alabama hunters were out in the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whipped out his cell phone and called 911. He gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There was a silence, then a shot was heard. The guy's came back on the line and said, "OK, now what?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
