3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
30 Lawyers Jokes
This is page 1 of 3 pages displaying a total of 30 Lawyers jokes.
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A Farmer named Clyde A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? " Clyde said "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?" Now, what the hell would you say???" |
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A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys: A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys: 372. 01 - Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372. 02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372. 03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372. 04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 372. 05 - It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372. 06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372. 07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. 372. 08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same. 372. 09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372. 10 -Bag Limits Per Day: Yellow-bellied Sidewinders: 2 Two-faced Tort-feasors: 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators: 3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throats: 2 Minutiae-advocating Chickens: 4 Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Blonde And A Lawyer Are Seated Next To Each Other On A Flight A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa. "Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00,and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Dad Walks Into A Market A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Lawyer." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Doctor, A Lawyer, A Little Boy And A Priest Were Out For A Flight A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of all the best efforts of the pilot the plane continued to rapidly lose altitude. Realizing the situation was hopeless, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had all better jump, and bailed out of the plane himself. Unfortunately, with all four of the passengers still on board, there were now but three parachutes left. The doctor stood up, grabbed one of the parachutes, and said "I am a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out the door. The lawyer saying, "I, of course, being the smartest man in the world, also deserve to live!", stood up, grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. The priest looked down at the little boy and said sadly, "My son, I have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Pray, take this last parachute and go and live in peace". The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. We'll be fine. I am guessing that right about now the smartest man in the world is still trying to find the rip-cord handle ...on my backpack." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Jury Full Of Lawyers A Jury Full of Lawyers A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Lawyer Funny A Lawyer Funny Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in artic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e., Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Lawyer Married A Woman Who Had Previously Divorced 10 Husbands. A Lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What!??" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be... Husband No.2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me... Husband No.3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up... Husband No.4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver... Husband No.5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method... Husband No.6 was from Finance & Administration; he thought he knew how, but wasn't sure whether it was his job or not... Husband No.7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it... Husband No.8 was a Physciatrist; all he wanted to do was talk about it... Husband No.9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it... Husband No.10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was... God!! I miss him!!! But now, that I've married you, I'm really excited!!!" "Good..." said the Lawyer, "but, why??" "Duh! You're a Lawyer!! This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Little Old Lady Went Into The Bank Of Canada A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right)! The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000,says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Tourist Wanders Into A Back A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. 'Twelve dollars for the rat, sir' says the shop owner, 'and an extra thousand for the story behind it.' 'At that price, you can keep the story, old man,' he replies, 'but I'll take the bronze rat.' The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars... following him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay as far as he can throw it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. 'Ah sir, you've come back for the story,' says the owner. 'No,' says the tourist, 'I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer' -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
