3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
48 Holiday Jokes
This is page 1 of 5 pages displaying a total of 48 Holiday jokes.
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The 12 days of Chrismas explained The 12 days of Chrismas explained There is one Christmas Carol that always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords; French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge that won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas? Today I found out, thanks to the Internet. From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality, which the children could remember. The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. Two turtledoves were the Old and New Testaments. Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love. The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit: Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy. The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes. Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. The ten lords a-leaping were the Ten Commandments. The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples. The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed. So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish. |
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The night before x-mas The night Before Christmas! 'Twas The Night Before Christmas He Lived All Alone, In A One Bedroom House Made Of Plaster And Stone. I Had Come Down The Chimney With Presents To Give, And To See Just Who In This Home Did Live. I Looked All About, A Strange Sight I Did See, No Tinsel, No Presents, Not Even A Tree. No Stocking By Mantle, Just Boots Filled With Sand, On The Wall Hung Pictures Of Far Distant Lands. With Medals And Badges, Awards Of All Kinds, A Sober Thought Came Through My Mind. For This House Was Different, It Was Dark And Dreary, I Found The Home Of A Soldier, Once I Could See Clearly. The Soldier Lay Sleeping, Silent, Alone, Curled Up On The Floor In This One Bedroom Home. The Face Was So Gentle, The Room In Such Disorder, Not How I Pictured A United States Soldier. Was This The Hero Of Whom I'd Just Read? Curled Up On A Poncho, The Floor For A Bed? I Realized The Families That I Saw This Night, Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers Who Were Willing To Fight. Soon Round The World, The Children Would Play, And Grownups Would Celebrate A Bright Christmas Day. They All Enjoyed Freedom Each Month Of The Year, Because Of The Soldiers, Like The One Lying Here. I Couldn't Help Wonder How Many Lay Alone, On A Cold Christmas Eve In A Land Far From Home. The Very Thought Brought A Tear To My Eye, I Dropped To My Knees And Started To Cry. The Soldier Awakened And I Heard A Rough Voice, "Santa Don't Cry, This Life Is My Choice; I Fight For Freedom, I Don't Ask For More, My Life Is My God, My Country, My Corps." The Soldier Rolled Over And Drifted To Sleep, I Couldn't Control It, I Continued To Weep. I Kept Watch For Hours, So Silent And Still And We Both ShiveredFrom The Cold Night's Chill. I Didn't Want To Leave On That Cold, Dark, Night, This Guardian Of Honor So Willing To Fight. Then The Soldier Rolled Over, With A Voice Soft And Pure, Whispered, "Carry On Santa, It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure." One Look At My Watch, And I Knew He Was Right. "Merry Christmas My Friend, And To All A Good Night." This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable..... PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. service men and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed. |
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A "not For Children" Christmas Story A "not for children" Christmas story One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...this stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door... He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Different Night Before Christmas A different "T'was the night before Christmas" version 'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone. I had come down the chimney with presents to give, And to see just who in this home did live. I looked all about, a strange sight I did see, No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. No stocking by mantle, just boots filled with sand, On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands. With medals and badges, awards of all kinds, A somber thought went through my mind. For this house was different, it was dark and dreary, I found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly. The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone, curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home. The face so gentle, the room in such disorder, Not how I pictured a United States soldier. Was this the hero of whom I'd just read? Curled up in a poncho, the floor for a bed? I realized the families that I saw this night, Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to fight. Soon 'round the world children would play, And grown-ups would celebrate Christmas day. They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year, Because of the soldiers, like the one laying here. I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone, On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home. The very thought brought a tear to my eye. I dropped to my knees and started to cry. The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice, "Santa don't cry, this life is my choice; I fight for freedom, don't ask for more, My life is my God, my country, my Corps." The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep, I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still, And we both shivered in the cold night's chill. I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night, This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight. Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure, Whispered, "Carry on Santa, it's Christmas Day, all is secure." One look at my watch, and I knew he was right. "Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Lawyer Funny A Lawyer Funny Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a certain dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a species found in artic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donder, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e., Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Letter From Santa A Letter From Santa To: All Concerned From: Santa Claus I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia and North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209 . As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as: 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen .." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty." 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off." 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally, 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus Member of North American Fairies and Elves -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Little Boy Playing With His New Electric Train There was a little boy playing in the living room with his new Electric Train set that he'd just gotten for Christmas. His mother was in the kitchen doing dishes. The mother heard the train stop and heard her son bellow out, "All you sons-a-bitches that want to disembark do it now. Any of you bastards who want to get on had better get going cause we're fixin' to leave." Stunned, his mother immediately dropped what she was doing and ran into the living room. She yanked her son up and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house young man! Now you can go up to your room and you can come out in two hours after you've thought about your behavior." The little boy went to his room and returned to the living room in two hours and started playing with his train again. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy say, "I would like to thank those of you leaving, for traveling with us today. Please don't forget to take your personal items with you. For those of you boarding the train, please store your personal items under your seats or in the overhead bins. We will be leaving shortly." His mother was just as proud as a mother could be. Her heart full of pride, she heard him continue, "And those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A New Year Wish A New Year Wish A Wish For The New Millennium... May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise. May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-endocrinologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the IRS. May you find a way to travel from anywhere to anywhere in the rush hour in less than an hour, and when you get there May you find a parking space. May Friday evening, December 31, find you seated around the dinner table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends, ushering in the New Year ahead. You will find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night. May you wake up on January 1st, finding that the world has not come to an end, the lights work, the water faucets flow, and the sky has not fallen. May you go to the bank on Monday morning, January 3rd and find your account is in order, your money is still there and any mistakes are in your favor. May you ponder on January 4th; How did this ultramodern civilization of ours manage to get itself traumatized by a possible slip of a blip on a chip made out of sand. May you have the strength to go through a year of presidential campaigning, and May some of the promises made be kept. May you believe at least half of what the candidates propose, and May those elected fulfill at least half of what they promise, and the miracle of reducing taxes and balancing budgets happen. May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, and May your check book and your budget balance, May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor. May we live as intended, in a world at peace and the awareness of the beauty in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart. And, May you Forward this on to someone that could use a smile and a laugh to brighten their day. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Turkey's Life Subject: A turkey's life When I was a young turkey, new to the coop, My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop, Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow, And he told me there was something that I had to know; His look and his tone I will always remember, When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November; "Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three, "And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin; "And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed, In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head; "Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink, And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink; "And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing". Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat, And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked; I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola; And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes, I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes; I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed; But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death; And sure enough when Black November rolled around, I was the last turkey left in the entire compound; So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap; She held me today, while sewing and humming, And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Adult Twas The Night Before Christmas Adult Twas the night before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and Geez it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone was off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I am in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile." He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
