3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 1 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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10 Commandments Of A Teenager 10 COMMANDMENTS OF A TEENAGER 1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?) 2) Thou shall not do drugs (Alcohol last longer) 3) Thou shall not steel from K-Mart. (WalMart has a bigger selection) 4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (Destruction has a bigger effect) 5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (Every one knows grandma has more money) 6) Thou shall not get in fights. (Just start them) 7) Thou shall not skip class. (Just take the whole day off) 8) Thou shall not strip in class. (Hooters pays more) 9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (As Nike says Just Do It) 10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (Just leave them in the middle) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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10 Reasons Why God Created Eve... 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve... 10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because he knew men would never ask directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television. 8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to be someone to bear children, because men would never be able to handle it. 4. As 'Keeper of the Garden' Adam would never remember where he put his tools. 3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone.' He only ends up getting himself in trouble. AND the #1 REASON WHY GOD CREATED EVE is ... When God had finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head and said, 'I KNOW I can do better than THIS!!' -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy (confection) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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15 Pieces Of Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughters 15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal. TOP TEN THINGS THAT MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN:...... 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. Just smile and pass it on. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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15 Reasons Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex 15 REASONS WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX 1. A big, juicy worm always gets a fish excited. 2. You don't have to eat a fish while it's still flopping around. 3. You can take a leak in the bush anytime you want. 4. Stroking your rod won't piss off a trout. 5. Sipping a beer and scratching your balls is all the foreplay expected of you. 6. Anything you stick in a fish's face, it eats. 7. A fish will never gag, choke, or come up for air. 8. A red snapper won't cry if you call it a flounder. 9. You wear rubbers on your feet, not on your dick. 10. If you want a bigger pole, you can have a bigger pole. 11. A smart fish knows when to keep it's mouth shut. 12. It's okay to cook a fish to make it taste good. 13. Fish bite for a guy of 60, same as they do for a guy of 20. 14. You're never called a jerk when you throw back an ugly fish. 15. Fish are real happy when you pick up your gear and go home. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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17 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Served At Work. 17 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It leads to more honest communications. 3. It reduces complaints about low pay. 4. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 5. It encourages car pooling. 6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 8. It makes fellow employees look better. 9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 15. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 16. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 17. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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19 Things To Do In The Bathroom 19 Things To Do In The Bathroom 1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that". 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say, "Darn, this water is cold." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor while yelling, "Whoa! Easy Boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters." 12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Could you kick that back over here, please. 13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna to do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dresser Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor an say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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1970 Vs 2000 1970 vs 2000 1970: Long hair. 2000: Longing for hair. 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflex. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seed and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints, taking pills. 1970: Our President's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our President's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for a BM. 1970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr. Kervorkian. 1970: Getting out to a hip new joint. ` 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Screw the system! 2000: Upgrade the system. 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 2000: Passing the vision test. 1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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20 Sayings On Office Inspirational Posters 20 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS 1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the > situation. 3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 7. Plagiarism saves time. 8. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 11. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 13. We waste time, so you don't have to. 14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. 17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 19. Succeed in spite of management. 20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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24 Questions 24 questions 1. Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.????? A. A cherry float. 2. Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A. Beat IT - we're closed. 3. Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties? A. To find a tight seal. 4. Q. Incontinence Hotline... A. Can you hold, please? 5. Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers? A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. 6. Q. What's the difference between sin and shame? A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out. 7. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around. 8. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 9. Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!" 10. Q. Why is air a lot like sex? A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. 11. Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside? A. K9P. 12. Q. What's another name for pickled bread? A. Dill-dough 13. Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants? A. He heard the snow blower coming. 14. Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy? A: She's withholding evidence 15. Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with a light on. 16. Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed? A. Because they don't have balls to scratch. 17. Q. Why is sex like a bridge game? A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. 18. Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. 19. Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. 20. Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. 21. Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? A. Their balls are just for decoration. 22. Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog. 23. Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo? A. You fill it with gas. 24. Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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