3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Computers Jokes
This is page 1 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Computers jokes.
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A Blond Went Out To Her Mail Box A blonde went out to her mail box, looked in, closed the door, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again. She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said, “You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.”The blond answered,“No, I’m working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.” -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Alabama Windows 98 Alabama Windows It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs. Other features: Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right cancel = hail no reset = aww shoot yes = shore no = Naaaa find = hunt-fer it go to = over yonder back = back yonder help = hep me out here stop = ternit off start = crank it up settings = sittins programs = stuff at does stuff documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Alabama edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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An Unemployed Man Goes To Apply For A Job With Microsoft As A Janitor. An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, you will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 LB flat of tomatoes at the supermarket to resell. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100. Before going to sleep that night it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, and later buys a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. He phones an insurance adviser about a plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail. The adviser is stunned. "How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, I would be mopping floors at Microsoft!" Moral of this story: 1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce need not rule your life. 2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire. 3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire. 4. Since you have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Bill Gates Died In A Car Accident Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God . . . "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds,with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Computer Help! Computer help! Take heart, anyone among you who believe you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet". This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article: 1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is. 2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. 3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies. 4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up, and crossing the room to close the door to his room. 5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. 6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually. 7. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. 8. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer". 9. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse. 10. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?" 11. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first. 12. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems. 13. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support? "Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you? "Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed? "Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder? "Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer. "Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion, it just has '4X' on it. "At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive. 14. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine." 15. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager. "Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."Customer: "What do you mean? "Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob. "Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Computer Humor Remember When Computer Humor Remember When ... A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note a window was something you hated to clean... And ram was the cousin of a goat.... Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment a program was a TV show a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3 ½" floppy you hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you’d be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider’s home and a virus was the flu I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Computer Illiterate computer illiterate This is a true story from the Word Perfect helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". (Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:) "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Wordperfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power failure." "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Daily Prayer Daily Prayer Dear God, Yesterday was an awful day for me...... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tatooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, O. J. Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!!!!!! <scroll down But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dear Tech Support: Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5. 3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. - Desperate ** Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1. 0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Dilbert's Revenge Dilbert's Revenge A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists. 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks; (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.) 2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) 3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, ElectricBoat Company) 4. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service) 5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.) 6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected (CIO of Dell Computers) 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation) 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists) 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division) 10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division) 11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.) 12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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