3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 10 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Jokes About Sex A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget,"Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!" Surprised--and flattered--the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them." Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!" ----- Organizers of National Orgasm Week were disappointed to learn that the majority of women polled just pretended to celebrate. ======================== What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up. Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp? When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedy's. ****************************************** What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping your leg? You let the pit bull finish. ****************************************** A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son, or you'll go blind." The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here." ================================================ What do a light and a hard-on have in common? You can't sleep with a light on either. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sex On The Beach An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini."I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS," he says. "NO! Get away from me." "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he says. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD ...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sex Life - Mystery Solved It seems that when God was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but God refused to budge. Then God called the monkey and gave him 20 years. "But I don't need 20 years," said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up and said: "May I have the other 10 years?" The monkey agreed. God called on the lion and also gave him 20 years. The lion, too, wanted only 10. Again, Man spoke up. "May I have the other 10 years?" "Of course," said the lion. Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked for the spare 10 years, and he got them. This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself. - -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Sex Survey ========================== Sex Survey -=-=-=- Please complete the following survey to determine the nature of your sex-life: ( Remember this is for fun and entertainment ONLY!) 1 Do you and your partner make love [A] once a month or less? [B] more than once a month? [C] 5 times a night? 2 When you make love, do you engage in foreplay [A] what's foreplay???? [B] for at least 5 minutes? [C] using a feather duster and a whip? 3 During intercourse, what positions do you use? [A] under the sheets, with the lights off, thank you very much [B] various, depending on the mood [C] tied up in the wardrobe with one foot in a bucket of cold custard 4 During intercourse, do you and your partner [A] get it over as quickly as possible? [B] say words of encouragement to each other like "Mmm, that's nice" and "Ooohh, yes, right there"? [C] beat each other with kippers and lick ice-cream out of each others' armpits? 5 After intercourse, do you [A] roll over and go to sleep without saying a word? [B] cuddle your partner and tell them how good it was? [C] swing from the ceiling-light, yodelling like Tarzan, then pick up an axe and cut a large notch in the headboard while smoking a cigarette? ANSWERS are below :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: Your answers Mostly [A]'s: Perhaps you could try to be a bit more adventurous Mostly [B]'s: You have a healthy sex-life and a good understanding with your partner Mostly [C]'s: Let me know your address, I'll be round with a few friends and a 6-pack to watch...... ==================================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Sex Sale A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel", replied the madam. "Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man. "Oh, we're having a yard sale today." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sherlock Holmes SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted. "Watson stand up!" Confused, Watson stood up. "Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked. Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers. "Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. Watson bent over. Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse. Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes, what on earth are you doing?" To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..." \\|// (o o) ~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Another Case For Sherlock SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MISSING LEMON One day Sherlock Holmes and Watson sat down to enjoy their favourite lunch of fish and chips. Just as they were about to tuck in, Holmes suddenly stood up and shouted. "Watson stand up!" Confused, Watson stood up. "Watson! Drop your trousers!" he barked. Worried, Watson loosened his belt and dropped his trousers. "Watson! Bend over!" Holmes ordered. Watson bent over. Holmes then plucked the wedge of lemon from Watson's plate and shoved it straight up Watson's arse. Watson screamed "In God's name Holmes, what on earth are you doing?" To which Holmes calmly replied "A lemon-entry my dear Watson ... a lemon-entry ..." \\|// (o o) ~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Statue A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Terminal Sex A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, 'I'm sorry but you only have 6 hours to live.' So, the guy goes home and says to his wife, 'Honey, I only have 6 hours to live.' So, they go right to bed. They have sex and an hour later he says, 'Can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay.' An hour later he says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay, maybe one more time.' They do it and an hour later the guys says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' The wife says, 'Absolutely not! I have to get up in the morning... you don't.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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What Not To Say To An Underendowed Male ----------------------------------------------- THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Stop fingering me and fuck me. 4. I'm sorry. 5. Who circumcised you? 6. Why don't we just cuddle? 7. You know they have surgery to fix that. 8. It's more fun to look at. 9. Make it dance. 10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 11. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 12. It looks like a nightcrawler. 13. Wow, and your feet are so big. 14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 15. It's OK, we'll work around it. 16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 19. Oh no, a flash headache. 20. (giggle and point) 21. Can I be honest with you? 22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 23. Let me go get my tweezers. 24. How sweet, you brought incense. 25. This explains your car. 26. You must be a growing boy. 27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 29. Are you one of those pygmies? 30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 31. Ever hear of Clearasil? 32. All right, a treasure hunt! 33. I didn't know they came that small. 34. Why is God punishing you? 35. At least this won't take long. 36. Let's just stick with your hand. 37. Do you need a splint to prop that up. 38. How interesting. 39. I never saw one like that before. 40. What do you call this? 41. But it still works right? 42. Damn I hate baby-sitting. 43. It looks so unused. 44. Do you take steroids? 45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick. 46. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere. 48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 49. Let me know when you're done. 50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 52. Aww, it's hiding. 53. Are you cold? 54. If you get me real drunk first. 55. Is that an optical illusion? 56. What is that? 57. Does this run in your family? 58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry. 59. Were you neutered? 60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 61. Does it come with an air pump? 62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 63. Where are the puppet strings? 64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once. 65. Deep throat??? 66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 67. Can you get this pencil out of me now? 68. Do I hang my hat on it? 69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! 70. Don't hold back. 71. Nevermind, why bother. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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