3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 10 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Negativism Defined An positivist sees the best in the world, while a negative thinker (a non-optimist) sees only the worst. An positive thinker finds some positive even in the negative, and a negativist can only find a negative no matter how positive something is. Let me illustrate what I mean . . . An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped toward the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Optimism Defined The story is told of a father who had twin sons. One son was an optimist, the other a pessimist. On the twins' birthday, while the boys were at school, the father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read the instructions, and I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will get broken," answered the pessimist. Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" asked the father. To which the optimist replied, "There's got to be pony in here somewhere!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Party Games For The Elderly Thanks to Danette for this: TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES: 10. Musical Recliners 9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta 8. Hide & Go Pee 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 6. Doc, Doc Goose 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 4. Kick the Bucket 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 1. Sag, You're It!!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Policeman Gives A Ticket The Driver... A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000 dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we over the border yet?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Pool Regulations The Public Pool Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Proof Of Purchase A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. One Cat |\_._/| | o o | ( T ) .^`-^-'^. `. ; .' | | | | | ((_((|))_)) They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. One Doggie __----_ /##| \ /###| | \___ O |####| \ |####| | \####/ _____/ \### / ===== / \ | |_ \ \___/ | =\ / _| |_ |__ She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap." The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?" Never fool around with a Little old lady... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Jonny's School Report On Mom One day a boy named Joe was at school. For his homework he had to interview a family member. He decided to interview his mother. He came home and said "Mommy I have to interview you for school." She said okay and let him proceed to ask her questions. The first question was how much do you weigh. The response was "Ladies don't tell their weight." He said "okay" and asked "How old are you?" His mother said, "Ladies don't tell their age." She said, "You can ask me one more question." He said, "Mommy why did your marriage fail?" She replied, "That is none of your business. Go interview someone else around the neighborhood. "I have to get some things done." The next day..... Joe comes home and says, " Mommy I got an A+ on my homework." She says "Really. Who did you interview?" Joe replies, "You. Last night when you were sleeping, I went through your wallet and got your driver's license. You are 42, 150 pounds, and the reason your marriage failed was because you got an F in sex." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Stocks In The Market Today Today's Stock Market Report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Real Science Quiz Answers REAL SCIENCE QUIZ ANSWERS (Spelling not corrected) "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ship Wrecked Desert Island: There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall,tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the seabreeze gave her an almost ethereal being. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "where did you come from, how did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?" "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did. "Well then", said the man, how did you get the rowboat?" I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree". "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that,she said. Where do you live?" At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach." "Well, let's row over to my place, she said." So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship". "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned, and she was smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship." You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me: "Do you happen to have an Internet connection?" *************************************************************************** -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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