3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
101 Animals Jokes
This is page 10 of 11 pages displaying a total of 101 Animals jokes.
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Sheep A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!" One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Anyone can see what's going on here!" The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Shaggy Dolphin A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever. To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen. It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree. A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal. One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)... "Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Smart Pig ~~~ Time off for good behavior? ~~~ A salesman is lost on the back roads and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. "How did the pig get a wooden leg?" he asks the farmer. "Well", says the farmer, "that's a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn, and that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn. Saved 'em all." "And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman. "Nope, he pulled through that just fine." says the farmer. "Though a while later, I was back in the woods when a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me fer sure." "Wow! So the bear injured his leg then?" says the salesman. "Nope. He came away without a scratch. Though a few days later, my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I got cut up in the machinery." "Ahh! So his leg got caught by the combine?" asks the salesman. "Noooope. We both walked away from that one." says the farmer. "So how did he get the wooden leg?!?" the salesman asks, exasperated. "Well", the farmer replied, "A pig that good, you can't eat all at once." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Three Dogs _______________________ A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles." "No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Talented Dog An AGGIE had been messing around with a cute young girl on the TEXAS A&M Campus and she became pregnant. He tries to think of a way to solve this problem, and to help the girl out .To himself he says,'I know my dad has the money, but he will not just send me any for this. But, I know he is crazy about that old bluetick hound dog, so if I come up with a way to include it he will send me the money. He calls his dad and says, 'I know this is going to sound funny, but A&M has a new program that teaches dogs to read. And I know you would like OLD BLUE to learn to read. Dad inquires, 'Well you are right, Son. How much would this cost?' 'Two thousand dollars', the son replies. 'Well that is not bad', the father says, 'I will send the money and OLD BLUE to you tommorrow.' Old Blue and the money arrives on campus. The son pisses away the money, and then needing more in a month or so, calls Dad again. 'Dad', the son says, 'Old blue is doing real well in reading, and the University is now offering a course to teach dogs to speak. I know you would like to have Old Blue do this course.' Dad repsonds affirmatively,'I sure do, son, how much is this course?' 'Two thousand' answers the son. So dad sends another two thousand. Time goes on, the end of the school year is now here and as the son prepares to go home for the summer, he realizes that the dad is going to expect OLD BLUE to show his higher education when he brings him home, so he takes Old Blue out behind the dormitory and shoots him. When the train arrives in his hometown, he sees banners stretched across the station proclaiming 'WELCOME HOME OLD BLUE the only educated dog in Texas' 'Oh shit' the son thinks. As he gets off the train, his dad meets him and wants to "Know where is Old Blue?" 'Dad, we need to talk,' the son says, 'alone.' So the son starts explaining the absence of the dog. 'Dad, Old Blue was sitting on the commode this morning reading the Wall Street Journal as I was packing. I told old Blue we were going home and that you were anxious to see him.' The son explained, 'And, Old Blue asked me if you were still messing around with that pretty young waitress down at the truckstop.' The Dad interrupted angrily, 'I hope you shot that lying dog ...' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Three Turtles Go On A Picnic Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped.Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.''I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Gift On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Vetrinary Billing Procedures A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Ventriloquism ********************** A traveling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there. "Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak with your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?" The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. Dog, " said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded. Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what horses might tell you." So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed. Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?" "Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya know." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Whales Have Some Fun Two whales, male and female, were swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!" The female says, "Oh, I don't know..." "Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!" The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue. As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!" To which the female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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