3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
200 Bar Jokes
This is page 10 of 20 pages displaying a total of 200 Bar jokes.
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Nun, A Priest, And A Rabbi A nun, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says "What is this a joke?" |
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A Bear Walks Into A Bar And Sits Down A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bar tender says yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Bloke Goes Into A Pub A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says. 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.' The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says. 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...' -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Divorcee' In Her Early Forties Was Sitting At A Bar A divorcee' in her early forties was sitting at a bar one night, when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither look, and whispered, "OK, you gorgeous piece of chocolate man. S how me what young black boys do best." So he beat her up and stole her stereo. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Drunk Gets Up From The Bar A DRUNK GETS UP FROM THE BAR AND HEADS FOR THE BATHROOM. A FEW MINUTES LATER, A LOUD, BLOOD-CURDLING SCREAM IS HEARD COMING FROM THE BATHROOM. A FEW MINUTES AFTER THAT, ANOTHER LOUD SCREAM REVERBERATES THROUGH THE BAR. THE BARTENDER GOES INTO THE BATHROOM TO INVESTIGATE WHAT THE DRUNK IS SCREAMING ABOUT. "WHAT'S ALL THE SCREAMING ABOUT IN THERE? YOU'RE SCARING MY CUSTOMERS!" "I'M JUST SITTING HERE ON THE TOILET AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO FLUSH, SOMETHING COMES UP AND SQUEEZES THE HELL OUT OF MY BALLS." WITH THAT, THE BARTENDER OPENS THE DOOR, LOOKS IN AND SAYS, "YOU IDIOT! YOU ARE SITTING ON THE MOP BUCKET!!!!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Guy Decides To Take Off Work Early A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You were plastered last night - where'd you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sits Down A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Guy Walks Into A Bar In Arkansas A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Guy Walks Into A Bar With His Pet Monkey A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps round all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" said the guy. "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!" said the bartender. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me" replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar. Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" inquires the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it." says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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A Man Walks Into A Bar A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, the man looks down and sees a chimpanzee sitting on a barstool at the end of the bar. So he says to the bartender, "Hey man, what's with the chimp?" The bartender laughs and says, "Watch this!" The bartender walks over to the chimp, turns it around on the barstool and punches the chimp right in the mouth, knocking it off the barstool. The chimp gets up off the floor, pulls down the bartender's zipper and gives the bartender a blowjob. The customer says, "Wow!! Can I try that?" "Sure thing," says the bartender. "Great," says the customer, "But don't hit me as hard as you hit the chimp." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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