3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
109 Bar Jokes
This is page 10 of 11 pages displaying a total of 109 Bar jokes.
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Brain Cells And Beer The Buffalo Theory ------------------ A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Budweiser Permeates Society Too Far A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!" Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow." Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Alcohol Should Be Encouraged At Work 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because, if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees work is better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ | ||\____ | B u d w e i s e r |_|||',''|'''\___, | __|..||__|__|_| '(['''(@)'(@)'''**|(@)(@)******(@)* Take a beer and send the truck on to all of your friends!! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Drink Fast A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!" The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast." The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have." The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?" "I have only fifty cents!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Drinks NEW MIXED DRINKS CONTEST WINNERS With no further ado, here the names are, in alphabetical order. Which one do you think was THE winner? Absolut Zero.............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar, decorated with a paper umbrella Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks Shirley MacLaine.........Sugar, carbonated water, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate (what ginger ale and grenadine were in a previous life) Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birdseed Three Men and a Baby.....Jim Beam, Jack Daniel's, Johnny Walker, and Enfamil Three Mile Island........Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, and plutonium -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Drinks For Tricks A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Drunk Husband Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Signs You Are Drunk SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK: You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Job interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not! Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. I'm as jober as a sudge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dui One night a police oficer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the- influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finallly he started his engine and begand to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Death From Guinness Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. ___________________________________________________________ Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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