3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 10 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Ten Things You Should Never Say To A Woman During An Argument: Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument: 1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 2. Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. 3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread. 4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 7. Whoa, time out. Football is on. 8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? 10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Terrorize Your Telemarketer TERRORIZE YOUR TELEMARKETER 1. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I am so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems. 2. If the caller says he's John Doe from XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name. Then ask him to spell the company name. Then ask where it's located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 3. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with iVillage.com..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 4. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my gosh! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 5. Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 6. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you couldn't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 7. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it's a telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream "Oh my God!" and hang up. 8. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back. When the Telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their home number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up. (Thanks to "Seinfeld" for this one!) 9. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 10. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 11. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon. How's your momma?" 12. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write down every word ! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The 60's Vs. 90's THE 60'S vs. 90'S then: long hair now: longing for hair then:the perfect high now: the perfect high yield mutual fund then: keg now: EKG then: acid rock now: acid reflux then: moving to California because it's cool now: moving to California because it's warm then: you're growing pot now: you're growing a pot then: watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents now: watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children then: trying to look like Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor now: trying not to look like Marlon Brando and Elizabeth Taylor then: seeds and stems now: roughage then: popping pills,smoking joints now: popping joints then: our president's struggle with Fidel now: our president's struggle with fidelity then: Paar now: AARP then: being caught with Hustler magazine now: being caught with Hustler magazine then: killer weed now: weed killer then: hoping for a BMW now: hoping for a BM then: The Grateful Dead now: Dr. Kevorkian then: Rolling Stones now: gall stones then: being called to the principal's office now: calling the principal's office then: screw the system! now: upgrade the system then: peace sign now: Mercedes logo then: parents begging you to cut your hair now: your children begging you to get their heads shaved then: take acid now: take antacid then: passing the driver's test now: passing the vision test then: "whatever" now "depends" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Beer Troubleshooting Guide: THE BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE: SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights. FAULT: Insufficient beer intake. ACTION: Up the dosage. SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt. FAULT: You've been walking into things. ACTION: Maintain dosage. SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands. FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist. SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around. FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride. ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Following Breeds Are Now Recognized By The Akc: The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Oh, never mind.... -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Nominees For The Chevy Nova Award The nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in Honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America "no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go" 1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux". 4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. 5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read. 6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine. 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth." 10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!" 12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Right Answers The right Answers Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: How could that be true? Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually, so how could speeding up your heart make you live longer? That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it more. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: My wife says I should cut down on meat, and eat more fruits and vegetables. A: Your wife just doesn't grasp logistical efficiencies the way you do. Look, what does a cow eat? Corn. And what's corn? A vegetable. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of slop. Q: Is beer bad for you? A: I normally don't like to answer questions which deal with my religious values, but I find this question so ridiculous I simply have to say something. Look, it goes to the earlier point about vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. Well, we all know that beer is not an animal, and it's not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and tell everyone you're on a vegetarian diet. Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean? A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs, though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. Q: I'm getting a little soft around the middle. Will sit-ups help this? A: Definitely not! Look, when you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger, right? You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: There's a lot of equipment available at the gym today, like the treadmill, the stair-stepper, etc. Which one do you recommend? A: The strato-lounger. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Rules THE RULES 1.The Female ALWAYS makes the RULES. 2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE at any time without prior notification. 3. NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW THE RULES. 4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all the RULES, she must IMMEDIATELY change some of the RULES. 5.THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG. 6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a FLAGRANT MISUNDERSTANDING which was a DIRECT RESULT of something the Male did or said wrong. 7. If rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize IMMEDIATELY for causing the misunderstanding. 8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time. 9. THE MALE MUST NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND WITHOUT EXPRESS CONSENT FROM THE FEMALE. 10. The female has the right to be ANGRY OR UPSET at any time. 11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset. 12. The Female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset. 13. ANY ATTEMPT TO DOCUMENT THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN GREAT BODILY HARM. 14. If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void. 15. THE MALE CANNOT DIAGNOSE PMS. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Ten Best Reasons Why Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex The Ten Best Reasons why Trick or Treating is better than SEX: 10. You are guaranteed at least a little something in the sack. 9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6. It's O.K. when the person you're with, fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3. It doesn't matter if the kids or anyone else hears you moaning and groaning. 2. Less guilt the morning after. 1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Top 20 Euphemisms For Penis Enlargement Surgery: The Top 20 Euphemisms for Penis Enlargement Surgery: 20) Genetalial Pinocchiotomy 19) Expanding Drilling Operations in Your Wildlife Preserve 18) Doubling the Interest Rate on Your Mutual Fun 17) Peter Padding 16) Plumping the Ball Park Frank 15) Expanding Your "Top 5" to a "Top 9" 14) Replacing Richard II with Richard III 13) Putting the Archbishop on the Rack 12) Puffin' the Magic Dragon 11) Supersizing Big Mac 10) Adding a Wing to the Sexual Addiction Unit 9) Putting the Munchkin on Stilts 8) Kicking the Cajun Sausage Up a Notch 7) Trading in the Escort for a Stretch Limo 6) Getting a Magic Johnson 5) Preparing to Boldly Go Where No Manhood has Gone Before 4) Feeding Mowgli to Kaa 3) Turning Crouching Tiger into Hidden Dragon 2) Upgrading Passenger Johnson to First Class and Number 1 Euphemism for Penis Enlargement Surgery... 1) Taking the Train from Vienna to Frankfurt -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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