3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 10 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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There Was This Preacher Who Was An Avid Golfer There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, 'Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.' God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, 'Begging your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.' God smiled. 'I did. Think about it - who can he tell?' -- -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Guy Goes To See The Pope This guy goes to see the Pope as he was visiting in Europe. There is a huge crowd of people there but he manages to get through. He watches at the Pope stops every once in a while to whisper something in a their ear. He was dressed in his best suit because he really wanted the Pope to talk to him but, as the Pope came up to him, he walked right by and stopped by a guy near him who was homeless and dressed in rags. So, the man says to himself, "I know why he stopped at him, he's homeless!" So the man pays the homeless guy 50 dollars to use his clothes and he goes back the next day. Well, this time the Pope stopped at him, leaned over, and whispered, "I thought I told you to get out of here yesterday! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Three Famous Basketball Coaches Had Passed On Three famous basketball coaches had passed on to the Great Beyond. All 3 noticed God up in the clouds, sitting in a chair. God motioned for them to come into the clouds. God asked three questions of the men: Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you? The first man said, "I'm Denny Crum, I was one of the best coach college basketball coaches in America. I won 2 national championships and over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky thought I was great." God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side." The next man said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was once a great college basketball coach and then went on to coach the Boston Celtics. I wasn't a big success in Boston, but the people of Kentucky thought I was great." God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side." The third man stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight. I have won 3 national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Three Italian Nuns Die And Go To Heaven Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met at the Pearly gates by St.Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I am granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone. The second nun says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone. The third nun says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipalini" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry but that name doesn't ring a bell" The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.... "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Three Sons Left Home Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it." Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ugly Duckling Ugly duckling one day three teenage girls were driving along when they had a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity." The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven. The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Watch What You Wish For Watch what you wish for A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies. " God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love-which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Water Skiing Water Skiing A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he told his wife, "This Sunday, I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday." "What!?" she exclaimed. "That's a silly thing to preach about!" "I don't think so," he said, "it's a problem we need to address." Next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about, some what warily. "As I told you," he said, "I'm going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays." "That's idiotic!" the wife says. "First of all, it's a dumb sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won't be in church! Why don't you preach about sex or something people are interested in?" "Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water-skiing on Sundays, and that's what I'm preaching about," he said firmly. The wife says, "Well, I'm not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I'm staying in the car. You can tell the congregation I'm sick or something." And she stayed in the car. As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he got to thinking maybe his wife was right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant extemporaneous sermon on sex in modern society. When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher's car and said to the pastor's wife, "I'm sorry you're not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he's ever given since coming to this parish." "I don't know why he thinks he's such an expert on the subject," the wife snapped. "He's only tried it twice, and he fell off both times!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Well WELL A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished. She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, Lord, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to Bnai Brith? Have I not given to Haddasah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?" A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!" A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had ever happened. The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?" She responds, "He had a hat" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What's In A Name What's In a Name A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist minister and their wives were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in . You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much you even married a woman named Candy. The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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