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110 Political Jokes
This is page 10 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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Politicians _____________________________________________ A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer,after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Political Party Choice During a neighborhood party here, I got into an argument with my neighbor about presidential politics. Finally, he asked me why I was such a dedicated Republican. I told him that my Father and Grandfather were Republicans before me and that I was carrying on the family tradition. "That's it ?" said my exasperated neighbor. "What if your Father and Grandfather had been horse thieves ?" "Well..." I replied, "I suppose then I'd be a Democrat like you." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Bonds Issued 3 new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Republican Controled Public Tv Programming Schedule A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE TIME PROGRAMMING 8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged." 9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor. 10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets white. 11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense will balance the budget. Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else. 1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S. 2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan the need for more conservative media voices. 3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns to bag endangered species. 4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?" 5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is being shut out from national exposure. 6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, Sherlock Holmes and Inspectors Morse and Maigret team up to investigate Whitewater. 7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War." 8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schafly adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove. 9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media bias. 10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion 10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety, environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor. 11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle 11:01 pm Sign-Off ___________________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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What You See In The Flag... A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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World Leaders Wives CONVERSATION BETWEEN WIVES The wives of four presidents and a prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called in their language: The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of President Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dan Quayle Quotes "QUAYLISMS" ... the very profound statements from DAN the man! I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." "The future will be better tomorrow." "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." "Public speaking is very easy." "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." "For NASA, space is still a high priority." "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." Dan Quayle -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Clinton Donation A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him". "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Use The Names Lewinsky And Kaczynsky In A Limerick Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick. Contestants' Entries: Entry # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We mustn't leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known: That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter If something is going to be blown. Entry # 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap She confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." * (*Nijinsky is a thoroughbred racehorse, not to be confused with the ballet dancer.) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Clinton, Gore & Happy Country Al Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy". Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed, bleached blonde hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy". -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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