3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 11 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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The Watergate Hotel A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why Not All Men Get Divorced? Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe. Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, "Pierre, what are you doing?" Pierre replied, "Woman, I'm leaving you!" Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our marriage?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Marie hollered, "But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?" Pierre replied, "To hell with the children. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Then Marie hikes up her skirt and hollers, "But Pierre, what about this?" As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Which Is The Smarter Sex? Who Is The Smarter Sex? This may be one clear indication of who is the smarter sex............ A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left,but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Socks A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!" _______________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Shipwrecked Threesome A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy washes up on the shore. The new guy and the wife are VERY attracted to each other right away, but they realize that certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, oblivious to the pheremones floating around, is just glad to have someone new to talk to. "This is wonderful! Now we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts." The new man is only too happy to help, and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tall tower and stands watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. The new man yells down: "Hey, no screwing!" They look at each other and yell back: "We're not screwing!" A few minutes later, they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the new man yells down: "Heeey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again the new man yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no screwing!!" They yell back, "And we said we're not screwing!!" Finally the shift is over and the new man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. By the time he gets half-way up, his wife and the new man are already screwing their brains out. Once at the top, the husband turns around and looks down and says to himself: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sperm Count An 80-year old couple decided they wanted to have one more child. The wife suggested they discuss this with their doctor, so they visited with her. Their doctor first suggested that the man have a sperm count check to see if he had enough ammunition. She gave the old man a jar and said "Take this in that room and provide me with a sperm specimen." After 30 minutes of grunting, groaning, and screaming behind the door, the old man appeared, obviously dishevelled. "Doctor, can I bring my wife in with me?" he asked. "Sure, whatever helps!" the doctor replied. The old man's wife entered the room with the old man, and closed the door. Sure enough; another 30 minutes of grunting, groaning and screaming ensued. Then the couple opened the door and stepped out of the room, sweat beading on their foreheads, their clothes wrinkled and obviously frustrated... The old man handed the jar to the doctor. The doctor took one look at the jar and said, "The jar is empty. Didn't you have any luck?" The old man replied, "Doctor, I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right, I tried with both hands. My wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right, she tried with both hands. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out. We just could't get that lid off the jar." __________________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Surprise!! A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well..when I fired the pistol my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Baby's First Words Once upon a time a baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, I am," she said. "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father answered. The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger seven times saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!" -=-=-=-= -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Knowledgeable Tailor Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was, of course, both shocked and depressed. He indeed wondered if he even had anything to live for at this point. Yet, he immediately decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital his mind was at long last clear, but naturally he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and ... 16 neck." Joe was once again surprised, "That's exactly right. How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9 ... wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right .... How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "So, how about a new hat? Without hesitation, Joe said, "Sure ...." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see ... 7 5/8." Joe was incredulous. "That's right. Man, how can you tell all of this?" "It's my job," reiterated the salesman. The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,"How about some new underwear?" Joe hesitated for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "No, you can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!" __________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Meeting Dad On The Frst Date It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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