3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 11 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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A Shipwreck Dream "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm ship wrecked when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start tearing off my clothes." The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?" "I push them away!" "I see. And what can I do to help you with this?" The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Senility Prayer Senility Prayer (A variation as you age) God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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S.h.i.t. TO: ALL EMPLOYEES FM: MANAGEMENT SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job, training others. We can add you name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF EXTRA EMPLOYEE PROGRAMMING (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.). Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Silence Pays (ten Bucks) Ten Dollahs Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said " Ya know Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." and every year Martha would say "I know Stumpy, but that ihplane ride costs ten dollahs.... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So Stumpy says " By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies " Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears them and says " Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars." They agree and up they go.... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard, he does it one more time, still nothing... so he lands. He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says " By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't." And Stumpy replies " Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Silent Gas Problem So---there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said, "This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?" He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Stock Broker A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. 'I think this one will really move said the broker,and it's only $1 a share'. 'Buy me 1000 shares,' said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said 'you were right, give me 5000 more shares.' The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker. 'Get me 10,000 more shares,' said the client. 'Great', said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker 'Sell all my shares.' The broker said 'To who? You were the only one buying that stock.' -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Stupid Ads For Products In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: *On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. * On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. * On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. * Some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. * On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. * On Tesco's Tiramisu desert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) * On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. * On packaging for a Rowenta Iron: Do not iron clothes on body. * On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. * On Nytol (a sleep aid): Warning: May cause drowsiness. * On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. * On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. * On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. * On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. * On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. * On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. \\|// (.)(.) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Super Bowl Tickets Superbowl tickets ------------------ A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the far upper corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't attended together since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Surgical Procedure Elephant Surgery There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure." The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks. The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?" The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again. "Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?" Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Tip One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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