3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
103 Cultural Jokes
This is page 11 of 11 pages displaying a total of 103 Cultural jokes.
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Redneck Ventriloquism A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to entertain at a bar in Texas. He's going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big burly guy in the audience stands up and says "I've heard just about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain't all stupid here in the South." Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big guy pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to the smart ass little fella on your knee!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Yankee Translations Subject: Yankonics Yah Cahn't get to Oakland from heya. Portland, Me., Jan. 17. In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Education announced today that, beginning February 1, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called Yankonics, recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English. In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English as a distanct language, rather than a dialect of standard English. The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to calssify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain federal funds. Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing that it would refuse to grant special funding. In August, Gov. Angus King (Ind.) defended the resolution. "They're not looking to teach Yankee English as a standard language. They're looking for tools to teach children standard English so they might be competitive," King told reports. An estimated 53 per cent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home, and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district. Reaction in the city was guarded, but supportive. Lobsterman John Nadeau, 43, of Fore St. said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least its a staht." The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position. Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside concurred. "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV. Something needs to be done." Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times. "I went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two days to figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused with I gawt bahck." Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port, said, "Deah Gawd. Yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people from away cahn't understahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyevah they came frawm." Asked if he'd lived in Portlan all his life, Wentworth replied, "not yet." An abbreviated guide to proper Yankonics For anyone living in or considering a trip to Boston (pronounced BAH-stin), this guide to proper local pronounciation should help you get acclimated quickly: pahty: a place to go to drink and socialize--nothing to do with Mother Nature. ah: the letter between "q" & "s" ahnt: sistah of your fathah or muthah bah: searves beah and hahd likkah: "The train to Noo Yok has a bah cah." bay-ah: ferocious brown or black animals beah: malt beverage bahn: as in: "What yeah were you bahn in?" bzah: strange, odd Chahlz: the rivah chowdah: clams, milk, buttah cahn: stahchy veggie that comes on a cob connah: where streets intersect fah: not neah heah fahk: what you eat pahster with fiah: blaze Gahden: what they closed last yeah. (also a place to plant flowahs) hahbah: what they dumped tea into in 1773 Hahvid: preppy college across the rivah hahf-ahst: done without regahd to detail heah: done with the eahs. "Listen my children, and you shall heah of the midnight ride of Paul Reveah." khakis: what you staht the cah with nawtheastah: stahm that blows in from the wottah Noo Yok: sinkhole 240 miles south of Tremont Street. owah: sixty minutes pahk: cahn't do it in Hahvad Yahd. Not downtown eithah. pahster: spaghetti, ziti, etc. pastah: the rectah of a parish, like St. Mahgrits pichahs: they throw fast balls at Fenway Rawjah: he *used to* throw the fastest fastballs at Fenway Reveah: he rode through Arlington on a hoss shouting "To Ahms!" shuah: of course shot: not tall wof: a peeah, jutting into the hahbah wottah: H2O -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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You Might Be A Yankee If... YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF: 1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." 2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY! 3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly. 4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. 5. You don't know what a moon pie is. 6. You've never had an RC cola. 7. You've never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled. 8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. 9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips. 10.You have no idea what a polecat is. 11.You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle. 12.You don't have bangs. 13.You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. 14.More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut. 15.You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show. 16.Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women. 17.You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent. 18.You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show. 19.You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. 20.You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house. 21.The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway. 22.You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. 23.The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus. 24.You call binoculars opera glasses. 25.You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping. 26.You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. 27.You don't know what applique is. 28.You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al). 29.You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one. 30.You've never been to a craft show. 31.You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. 32.You can do your laundry without quarters. 33.None of your fur coats are homemade. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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