3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
109 Bar Jokes
This is page 11 of 11 pages displaying a total of 109 Bar jokes.
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Irish Drinker _____________________________________________________________ An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Golden Saloon A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser's sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Open Bar!! At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Stock Prices And Beer Something to think about... If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. $1000 worth of Broadvision is now worth $22. $1000 worth of JDSU is now worth $52. $1000 worth of Merrill's B2B Holders is now worth $52. Now consider this: If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79. Just a thought. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Unique Pick Up Technique A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Free Drinks For Everyone A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Troubleshooting Your Beer BEER TROUBLESHOOTING SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: You're drinking lite beer. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves, or switch to full strength ale. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New York Drunk ============================================================================== This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes aseat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is that?", the first guy asks. "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says. "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catchesyou and you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies. "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops10...20... 30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says. "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts. "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...70... 80...90..100 feet and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk. After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and ordersanother drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says,"You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Vampires At The Bar Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?" The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma." The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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