3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 11 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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The Top 5 Sexual Jokes Of 1999 ****The Top 5 Sexual Jokes of 1999**** **Number five A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ** Number four A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you." ** Number three One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ** Number two Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ** Number one A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Top 9 Sexual Jokes Of 1998 The Top 9 Sexual Jokes of 1998 Number nine A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.” Number eight A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots! Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, Nothing will.” Number seven A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.” Number six One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?” Number five Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh...she got fired too.” Number four A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife also. The doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: “She choked.” Number three A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”. Number two A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. “What’s wrong?” The small white guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?” The big dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.” The small guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said turn around.” Number one A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.” “Yeah,” she replied, “just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” “I know,” the old man said, “we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.” “Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say...should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.” “I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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The Truth About Tools The Truth about Tools HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the original sin principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. > AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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These Were Actual Ads Placed: These were actual ads placed: -------------------------------- FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. -------------------------------- FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG ---------------------------- FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG ---------------------------- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE A REWARD. --------------------------------- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer -------------------------- SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. ----------------------------- 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-FINGER, 1 3-FINGER, PAIR: $15 ---------------------------- TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 ---------------------------- COWS FOR SALE. NEVER BRED CALVES. ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. --------------------------------- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. --------------------------------- NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY ----------------------------------- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" ------------------------------------ HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" -------------------------------------- HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB --------------------------------------- GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 CENTS LB. ---------------------------------------- NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE ----------------------------------------- TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. ------------------------------------------- EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. ------------------------------------------- OUR SOFA WILL SEAT THE WHOLE MOB. 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. --------------------------------------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! SELLING WASHER & DRYER $300. -------------------------------------------- ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER ------------------------------------------ OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS ------------------------------------- FOR SALE BY OWNER COMPLETE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. 45 VOLUME SET, EXCELLENT CONDITION, $1,000 OBO. NO LONGER NEEDED. RECENTLY MARRIED, WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry 1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings". 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. 6. You should not confuse your career with your life. 7. No matter what happens...somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy. 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. 11. Never lick a steak knife. 12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. 13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant ... unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Things Only A Mother Can Teach Things only a Mother can Teach 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." 7. My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?" 8. My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 10. My Mother taught me about SEX.... "How do you think you got here?" 11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." 12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" 13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." 14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....then you'll see what it's like" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Things People Do Things People Do - --It is surprising to me how many people actually exist as described below; what IS truly remarkable, is that they survive in society. True Stories, by David Smith I went to McDonald's. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets. "We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. ================================================================== Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary tol him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. ============================================================= I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. =============================================================== Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar. ============================================================= Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed . -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Things To Do At Walmart Things to do at Walmart while the spouse is taking his/her sweet time returning Christmas gifts: 1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. 7. Put M&Ms on layaway. 8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas. 9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?" 11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men. 13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms. 16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible." 17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front. 18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!" 20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little paper umbrellas in it. 22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Things You Won't Hear A Man Say THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR A MAN SAY 1. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker. 2. No I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow. 3. Her tits are just too big. 4. Sometimes I just want to be held. 5. That chick on "Murder, She Wrote" gives me a woody. 6. Sure, I'd love to wear a condom. 7. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse. 8. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Ally. 9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home. 10. Honey, I'm going to the store, do you need more tampons? 11. I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss. 12. I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist. 13. Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again. 14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed? Maybe I should tell her. 15. No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn. 16. Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines. I don't look at them any more. 17. I understand. 18. This movie has too much nudity. 19. Damn, we're late for church! 20. No, I don't want to see your sister's tits. 21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue. 22. Put some panties on for Christ's sake -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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This Is For Men Tired Of Receiving Male Bashing Jokes THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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