3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 11 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
|
Words Of Wisdom Words of Wisdom There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. So he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the preacher's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!" he said. In the back of the room, a little old man stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information ... snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Wwjd WWJD Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda ...."The Apostles were in one Accord."!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
|
Adam's Good Deal Adam's Bargain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said, " I was going to give you a companion and it would be a woman." God continues: "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed. Adam asked God, " What would a woman like this cost me??" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib???" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Adam's Rib Explained God and Eve After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied, "the sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they are a real pain." reported Eve. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away. And God reaches down, removes the middle breast and tosses it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visits Eve in the garden. "Well Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right, how could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now lets see... where did I put that useless boob?" Makes more sense than that business about the rib... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Amish Men An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Arthritis A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading ---a couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"? "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man". "Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered and returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how long have you had arthritis"? "I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has it". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Bible Study One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight year old son, Johnny, to church. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight year old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the pastor's sermon Johnny fell asleep. The pastor noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching. He decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God. "Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?" His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, suck a pin in her son's right butt cheek. "GOD!!!!" Cried little Johnny. "Very good," the pastor replied. For he could not say it was wrong. And he continued on. But a short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The pastor once again noticed this and decided to ask another question "Who was Mary and Joseph's son?" The pastor asked. Johnny's dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son's left butt cheek. "JESUS CHRIST!!!!" Yelled Johnny. And once again the pastor replied "Very good." Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the pastor decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question. "What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?" But before Johnny's parents could do anything Johnny shouted "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Bubba Knows Everyone! Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! " Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
A Carpenter's Son A Carpenter Searching Out His Son... St. Peter gets fed up with standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven. St. Peter needed to take a break, so he noticed Jesus walking by and asked him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus said he'd be happy to. In a little bit an old man came up to the desk very slowly. Jesus took out form 85-A/j and started getting the information. "I'm looking for my son." the old man says. "And who are you?" says Jesus. "I'm his Father; well not really." says the man. "Where are you from?" The old man said he was from the Mediterranean Sea area. "What did you do in life?" "I was a carpenter," was the reply. Jesus smiled because this was a profession he could relate to. "Did you have many children?" he asked kindly. The old man said, "Just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth." Jesus looked closely at the old man and asked, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?" "Oh yes," the old man said, "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens." "And does your son have holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly. "He does!" shouts the man Jesus put down the 85-A/j form and holds out his hands, "Father!" The old man looked at Jesus with joy on his face and asked, "Pinocchio??" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Religious Underwear A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?" "Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
<< PREVIOUS 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 | 10-19 20-29 30-31 NEXT >>
