3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
110 Political Jokes
This is page 11 of 11 pages displaying a total of 110 Political jokes.
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Starr & Clinton Ala Dr Seuss Mr Starr: I am Starr. Starr I are. I'm a brilliant barri-star. I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see, Did you grope Miss Lew-in-sky? Did you grope her in your house? Did you grope beneath her blouse? Did she give you gifts and ties? Were you spied by prying eyes? Mr Clinton: I did not do that here or there! I did not do that anywhere! I did not do that in a chair! I went not near her giant hair! I did not join -- even for fun, The Mile High Club in Air Force One, So stow your feathers and your tar, I did not do her Starr you are! Mr Starr: Did you smile? Did you Flirt? Did you peek beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie, When called upon to testify? Mr. Clinton: That is it, you've gone too far! I do not like you Starr you are! I will not answer any more! In fact, I think I'll start a war! The public's easy to distract, When bombs are falling on Iraq! Have a Nice Day! -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Scandal Of Biblical Proportions A Scandal of Biblical Proportions Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beazulbub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The Sou Clinton Should Have Given THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN. "Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability', and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver- wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Wizard Of Oz The Wizard of Oz sets up shop once again, this time on this planet, and not on Oz. Before he knows it he has a customer. It turns out to be Bob Dole. The Wizard asks him what is wrong. Dole replies, "Oh great and terrible Oz, everyone thinks Bob Dole is an idiot thanks to my presidential campaign. Is there anyway people can see that I'm actually an intelligent person with good ideas?" The Wizard then states, "Bob, it sounds like what you need is a brain. I can do that. Come with me." And the Wizard gave Bob Dole a brain. Next Newt Gingrich came to see the Wizard of Oz. He asked, "Everyone thinks that I'm this mean, spiteful person, and that really hurts me. Is there anyway I can change the public's perception of me, so they realize that I'm not such a bad guy?" The Wizard answers, "Newt, it sounds like what you need is a heart. I can do that. Come with me." And the Wizard gave Newt Gingrich a heart. Eventually the President of the United States himself came to see the Wizard. The Wizard, surprised, asked, "And what can I do for you, Mr. President?" The president replied, "Where's Dorothy?" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Least Popular Republican Convention Souvenirs The Top Ten List "Least Popular Republican Convention Souvenirs" As presented on the 08/14/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Bob Dole kidney stone cuff links 9. Gift certificate for free backrub from Newt Gingrich 8. Bath mat made from Charlton Heston's old hairpieces 7. "Strom Thurmond's Unbelievably Low-impact Aerobics" video 6. The "I Support Bob" Wonderbra 5. "Honk if you have a sinking feeling this isn't our year" bumpersticker 4. CD entitled "Sounds Bob Dole Makes in the Morning" 3. Sunglasses tinted to make Bob Dole look a little more like Colin Powell 2. Susan Molinari's Cookin' with Pot recipe book 1. Rush Limbaugh's bacon-scented cologne c 1996 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. All Rights Reserved -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Signs Bob Dole Is In Bed With The Tobacco Industry "Signs Bob Dole is in Bed with the Tobacco Industry" As presented on the 07/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN 10. Posters for his rallies include the line, "Free Marlboros for the kids!" 9. During speeches, pauses every few minutes to hit the ol' spittoon 8. Named his cocker spaniels "Philip" and "Morris" 7. Claims there's no connection between cigarettes and cigarette burns 6. His choice for new head of National Council on Physical Fitness: Keith Richards 5. Campaign ads show him holding a beach ball with caption, "Bob Dole: Alive with Pleasure" 4. He's requested FBI files on everyone who uses "The Patch" 3. In the latest Marlboro billboards, check out the cranky old cowboy in the background 2. His new campaign slogan: "Fogies for Stogies" 1. Has a Joe Camel tattoo on his ass \\|// (o o) THE ORACLE SERVICE HUMOR MAILING LIST ~~~~~~~~~~~~oOOo~(_)~oOOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Steve Willoughby's E-mail: SUBSCRIPTION -- It's FREE!: --------------------------- ---------------------------- oracle@synapse.net To subscribe to the Oracle's st944wk3@post.drexel.edu mail list, send a message with only the word SUBSCRIBE in the body (not the subject) of the message to: WWW Site humour-list-request@lists.synapse.net ------------- http://www.synapse.net/~oracle/Contents/HumorArch.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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President Clinton Announces Bosnia Deployment PRESIDENT CLINTON ANNOUNCES BOSNIA DEPLOYMENT Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable. "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say E-nough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour." The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities. Other UN contries will be bring in other vowels once the US forces secure the area. Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please," said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream." The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords... -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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You Might Be A Republican If... You might be a Republican if... You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two" You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend" You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. You think Huey Newton is a cookie. The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you. You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." You answer to "The Man." You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance." You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit... You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values. " When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America. You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser. You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve." You've ever called education a luxury. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. You're afraid of the "liberal media." You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates... ." You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers. You think all artists are gay. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes. You confuse Lenin with Lennon -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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J. Danforth Quayle "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle And the best one for last... "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The African Visitor An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made a series of weird noises .... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" ... and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight." Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?" The chief made the same noises ... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" ... and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building." "Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z ... from the short-wave radio." -- Poddys (http://www.poddys.com/jokes/jokes.htm) |
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