3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 12 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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Major Upgrade Last year, my friend upgraded his Girlfriend 3.1 to GirlfriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming Girlfriend 98... - A "Don't remind me again" button - Minimize button - Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 97 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold- plated contacts. ****NEW PRODUCT**** Some users are waiting in eager anticipation for Girlfriend Lite. It's a free download that you can use for 60 days before it uninstalls. Make sure you have a good virus scan software program, though. Shareware programs like Girlfriend Lite can be easily infected; chances are, many others have had the same copy installed on their hard disks before you. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. ***************************** -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Valentine's Day Two Parts Thoughtfulness, One Part Improvisation ~~~ He loved her very much. So very, very, much! He wanted this Valentine's day to be special, So he went all out! He had a bottle of her favorite liquor, a French absinthe, imported in time for it to arrive for the occasion. On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration! Oh, no, what was he going to do now? Her love for the white flowers had made the presenting of an armful of them a tradition on special occasions such as this. In a moment of inspiration, he had the answer: He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a handwritten card, and proceeded home. When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them. He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, "Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder." With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, "Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Virgin In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Like A Virgin This guy goes to work on friday and is telling his friend about a hot date he was going on later that night. His friend asks: you think you'll get some? And the guy says, Oh for sure. Later in the day the guy was climbing the ladder and fell and racked his dick really hard. His friend took him to the doctor and the doctor said "Well we'll have to put a splint on that." That night on his date he was a little worried about the splint when the girl started to undress. She looked at him and said "Whats wrong? The guy said "Oh nothing. The girl said, "Its ok, just watch." As she took off her blouse she said "See these? They have never been touched by human hands but my own. Then she took off her pants and said, "See this? Its never been touched by human hands but my own." The guy said "Great!" and pulled off his pants and said "See this, its still in the crate." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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For Sale: Voodoo Dick "Voodoo Dick" There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.' " "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Wedding Night Sex The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles. The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable. The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback But I swear to God, I am going to kill the jerk who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly." \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo--------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Her Zipper Was Too Tight In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more, and for a second time attempted the step; and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. With a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack, and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. At this, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screaming at him, "How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!" Whereupon, the Texan drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends." ************* -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Sailor And Girl A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her on board and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Five weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get to go to Europe and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Doris & Fred Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem", explains the model, "because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?" "That's not a problem", replies Doris, "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water." "What about you're husband?", asks the model. "Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings", replies Doris. "Good", says the model, "that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight." That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her. "It's true I tell you", says Doris, "look, if you don't believe me, tommorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself." The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass. Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?", she asks Fred. "Yes", he replies, "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?" "Just to show you the difference", answers Doris, "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times..." "Yes", says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the fucking darts team hadn't!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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One Misty Scottish Morning One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate", "But......" stammers the driver. "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long. "Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!" "But....." says the driver. "Now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again" says the highlander. "I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness". -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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