3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 12 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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The Tip One day a bachelor who was a poor tipper walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch. A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his "generosity" and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped. "Well, what could you tell about me?" he asked. "You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are a frugal, and the second tells me that you are a bachelor." "That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?" "The third penny tells me your Father was a bachelor, too." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Term Paper Scheduling And Inspiration __________________________________________________________ Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers :) How To Write a Term Paper. 1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters. 8. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade... You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 11. Listen to the other side. 12. Check your e-mail again. 13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large. 15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked. 18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowler's Tour; any movie starring Don Ameche; Star Trek 19. Catch the last hour of Jerry Springer on channel 26. 20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the losers. 21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 22. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it. 27. Check your e-mail. 28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 29. Lie face down on the floor and moan. 30. Leap up and write the paper. 31. Type the paper. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Toilet Paper Info What's dumb? Directions on toilet paper. What's dumber than that? Reading them. Even dumber? Reading them and learning something. Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Search A manager in a big company needed to contact one of hisemployees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. Hedialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child'swhispered voice on the first ring, "Hello?" "Is your Daddy home?" the boss quickly asked. "Yes",whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" the man asked, feelingsomewhat put-off by this delay. To the surprise of the boss, the smallvoice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Againthe small voice whispered, "No." "Son, is there any one there besides you?" the bossimpatiently asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what soundedlike a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,"What is that noise?" "A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awedvoice the child answered, "The police just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustratedthe boss asked, "Why are they there?" After a muffled giggle, the young voice replied in a verylow whisper, "They're looking for me!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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You Forgot! DON'T FORGET An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "to the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Traffic Ticket A small-town patrolman stopped a motorist for speeding and approached the driver. Peering into the back seat, he saw a large collection of knives, machetes, and swords. Thinking he had some wacko on his hands, the policeman placed a cautious hand on his firearm and asked the man to step out of the car. When queried about the contents of the back seat, the driver replied, "Oh, those! Officer, I'm a juggler and those are part of my act." Skeptical, the policeman thought he would call the man's bluff. "If you can juggle these here machetes like you say, I'll let you off", the officer says. Well, sure enough, the driver IS a juggler, and his hands explode into a dizzying frenzy of spinning, twirling, flying blades, reflecting brilliantly in the afternoon sun! The blades fly behind his back, under his legs & over his head, in seamless fluid motion. He even tosses an apple into the fray and quarters it without missing a beat... As this is occurring, a man driving by says to his wife, "Martha, it's a good thing I gave up drinkin'... look at the sobriety test they're giving now!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Trains? This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over- tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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21st Birthday Kim had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather all "walked on water" on their 21st birthday. So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they could do it, so can I!" said Kim to Brian. Kim and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Kim stepped off of the side of the boat . . . and damn near drowned. Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the family farm and asked his grandmother why he hadn't been blessed with the same "gift" as the others in the family. Kim's grandmother took him by the hands, looked into his face, and said, "That's because your father, grand- father, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Urban Myth: Credit Card Error In March 1992 a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had ten days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Urban Myth:#90 Telephone Scam The JAG website webmaster sent the following warning about a new telephone scam: SCAM: We received a call from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T service technician who was conducting a test on our telephone lines. He stated that to complete the test we should touch nine(9), zero(0), the pound sign (#) and then hang up. Luckily, I was suspicious and hung up. Upon contacting the telephone company we were informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting individual full access to your telephone line, which allows them to place long distance telephone calls billed to your home phone number. We were further informed that this scam has been originating from many of the local jails/prisons. I have also verified this information with UCB Telecom. Please beware. I further called GTE Security this morning and verified that this is definitely possible. DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE. The GTE Security department requested that I share this information with EVERYONE I KNOW! Could you please pass this on. If you have mailing lists and/or newsletters from organizations you are connected with, I encourage you to please pass on this information. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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