3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
200 Bar Jokes
This is page 12 of 20 pages displaying a total of 200 Bar jokes.
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Drunk In The Bathroom Drunk in the Bathroom A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...... "You idiot!" You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Drunk Test Drunk Test A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Harvey Said To The Bartender Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!'" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Here's To The Irish Here's to the Irish An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw, it; they would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn, THEN One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," he explains, "It's just that I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Holding It Holding It An older Woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water. "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too. The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water." "Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Investment Investment A well dressed man went into a bar ordered a double whiskey. He was there sipping his drink when another man came up and said, "Is that you Pete?" Pete said "My name is Pete, but I don`t think I know you." The second man said "Sure you do, it`s me, Martin. We used to work at the same factory together before it closed down." Pete said "Now I remember you, but what happened to you? You are all in scruffy clothes. We got good money when we were laid off. What happened?" Martin said "I blew it all on cars, women and drink. I'm totally broke now, but look at you, Pete. All the best clothes and I've seen your swell car outside. How did you do it?" Pete said "Well I wanted to make my money work for me. So I thought if you have some money, London is the best place to do that. I bought a three-story house. On the first floor there was ordinary sex-- just men and women. On the second floor homo sex-- you know, men screwing men, and on the third floor paedophile sex for those who like children. I must say I made a fortune. Mind you it was hard work-- just me, the wife, and the kids." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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It Was A Hot Day In Minnesota It was a hot day in Minnesota, Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Man Walks Into A Bar With An Ostrich And A Cat Man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat The man says I'll have a beer The ostrich says I'll have a beer The cat says give me half a beer and I'm not paying for it The bartender brings the drinks and says that will be$4.65 The man reaches in his pocket and throws exactly $4.65 on the bar THIS GOES ON FOR A FEW DAYS..... Finally the bartender says what are you doing bringing these animals in my bar and ordering drinks and always having just enough money The man says few years ago I found a gene and he granted me 3 wishes The first wish was that every time I go to a bar there will be enough money in my pocket to pay for my drinks. The second wish was for a long legged chick and the Third was for a tight pussy. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Paddy And Seamus Were Dear Friends Paddy and Seamus were dear friends since they were small children. Now in their golden years, Seamus was very ill and knew he was dying. He called for his dear friend Paddy, who soon arrived at the bedside. Seamus, in a weak voice, whispered to Paddy, "It's a great favor I ask yeh now, me dear friend, the last thing I'll ever ask." Paddy answered "Aye, friend, yeh know I'll do anything yeh ask me for the sake of our lifelong friendship." "Paddy, when I'm gone, I'd like yeh to pour a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey on me grave." Seamus answered, " Done it is, me old friend!" Some months later, Seamus passed on also and when he got to the Pearly Gates, his first inquiry was about his old friend, Paddy. He was immediately taken for a reunion with Paddy, whereupon Paddy began screaming at Seamus and beating on him with his fists like a wildman. Seamus finally got a break in the action to ask Paddy why the brutal treatment. Paddy asked, " Do you remember your promise to me when I was dyin'?" Seamus answered "Aye, indeed I do, ya wanted me to pour a bottle of the finest Irish whiskey on your grave." "Well, yeh did me wrong, Seamus!" hollered Paddy. Seamus answered, "Oooohhhh! Yes! Now I understand! But yeh didn't say I couldn't strain it through me kidneys first!" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Pissed-off PISSED-OFF Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails! "Gee, that's tough !" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me irritated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak'. And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really got to me." Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? "My goddamned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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