3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 12 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Thoughts On Life Thoughts on life If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something don't get until after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He who hesitates is probably right. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Two wrongs are only the beginning. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. A clear conscience is usually the sign of bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried. Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things. A fool and his money are soon partying. Money can't buy love, but it CAN rent a very close imitation. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines. Half the people you know are below average. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Death is nature's way of telling you to ease up. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. Time is nature's way of preventing everything from happening at once. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. No matter how careful the cut, a parent cannot equally divide something to the satisfaction of two siblings. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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To Exercise Or Not To Exercise TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO EXERCISE 1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month. 2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is. 3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing. 6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country. 11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 10 Reasons To Work Naked Top 10 reasons to work naked 10. No one ever steals your chair. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way too finally meet that special person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. ...and (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked: 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8 in the morning" -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 10 Signs You Know It's Time To Join E-mailers Anonymous TOP 10 SIGNS YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. Your firstborn is named dotcom. 8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com 4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape. 2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS: 1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 12 Things Not To Say To A Cop Top 12 Things NOT To Say To A Cop l. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! 5. Are you Andy or Barney? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you? 8. I pay your salary! 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too! 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 12. When the Officer says "Son, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Officer, your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 14 Things Pms Stands For: TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: ~ Pass My Shotgun ~ Psychotic Mood Shift ~ Perpetual Munching Spree ~ Puffy Mid-Section ~ People Make Me Sick ~ Provide Me with Sweets ~ Pardon My Sobbing ~ Pimples May Surface ~ Pass My Sweatpants ~ Pissy Mood Syndrome ~ Plainly; Men Suck ~ Pack My Stuff ~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 20 Ways To Say "your Fly Is Open" Top 20 ways to say "Your Fly Is Open" 20) The cucumber has left the salad. 19) I can see the gun of Navarone. 18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. 17) You've got Windows in your laptop. 16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave. 15) Your soldier ain't so unknown now. 14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell. 13) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson... 12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal. 10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building! 9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod. 8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir! 7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 6) Dr. Kimble has escaped! 5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary." 4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction... 3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it? AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED... 1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top 53 Sayings You TOP 53 SAYINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE “INSPIRATIONAL” POSTERS: 1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2) Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security. 5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent. 6) If you think we’re a bad firm, you should see our rivals! 7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. 8) We put the “k” in “kwality” 9) If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing. 10) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat. 12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is in chaos...then you probably haven’t completely understood the situation. 13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE..... 14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 16) Your job is still better than asking “You want fries with that?” 17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. 18) Plagiarism saves time. 19) We build great airplanes...when we feel like it or don’t have anyreason to call in sick. We’re Boeing Machinists!! 20) Work slow, drive slow, think slow? You too can be a Boeing Machinist. 21) If at first you don’t succeed - try management. 22) At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens. 23) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. 24) This can’t go on forever—Even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years. 25) Never quit until you have another job. 26) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself. 27) Work harder you slaves! 28) The beatings will continue until morale improves. 29) ANNOUNCEMENT: All directors and managers have been fired. Their salaries, offices, company cars and season tickets to sporting events will be given away in a lottery drawing this Thursday at 3:45. New office hours: Mon-Thur, 10-4. 30) Every time I think I’ve hit rock bottom, somebody throws me a shovel. 31) If you can read this, you’re not working! 32) If at first you don’t succeed... DELEGATE. 33) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. 34) “We waste time, so you don’t have to”. 35) Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! 36) Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. 37) Scum always floats to the top! 38) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. 39) Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free. 40) INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY. 41) Succeed in spite of management. 42) Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment. 43) We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day. 44) Look on the bright side, at least you’re not working in the IRAQ tankbrigade. 45) You pretend to work, and we’ll pretend to pay you. 46) There is no I in ‘TEAM’ (But there is in ‘Management Kiss-up’). 47) Work; It isn’t just for sleeping anymore. 48) There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore. 49) Be punctual, be loyal, and above all, never forget that “Manager” isan anagram for “Complete and Total Terror”! 50) Two Drink Minimum. 51) Department of Defense: We kill people - so you don’t have to!! 52) We’re just like one big happy family...but we’re really not. 53) It’s only unethical if you get caught. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Country Tunes Of All Time Top country tunes of all time If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth "Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Oxy-morons: Top Oxy-Morons: 47. Act naturally 46. Found missing 45. Resident alien 44. Advanced BASIC 43. Genuine imitation 42. Airline food 41. Good grief 40. Same difference 39. Almost exactly 38.Government organization 37. Sanitary landfill 36. Alone together 35. Legally drunk 34. Silent scream 33. British fashion 32. Living dead 31. Small crowd 30. Military intelligence 29. Software documentation 28. New York culture 27. Extinct life 26. Sweet sorrow 25. Childproof 24. "Now, then..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. New classic 16. Temporary tax increase 15. French bravery 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron: 1. Microsoft Works -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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