3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 12 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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In The Confessional A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery." Priest says: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest says, "What did you do?" Man says, "I committed adultery." Priest asks, "How many times?" Man replys, "Three times." Priest says, "Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more." The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive mefor I have sinned." Rabbi says, "What did you do?" Woman replys, "I committed adultery." Rabbi asks, "How many times?" Woman says "Once." Rabbi says, "Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Confessions Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, Father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, Father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?" Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Real Church Bulletins The following are actual messages inserted in church bulletins. The actual 1991 Spring Council retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary. The ladies of the church have cast-off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped my pledge - now up yours." A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 P.M. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. A the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell"? Come early and listen to the choir practice. Irving Beltson and Jessie were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Tuesday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. _______________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Church Membership Ritual Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young, newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a few nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore either!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Bulletens Actual Announcements Taken From US Church Bulletins 1. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. 2. The 1991 Spring council retreat will be hell May 10 and 11th. 3. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 4. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 5. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 6. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 7. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. All proceeds will be used to cripple children. 8. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6:00 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 9. The associate minister unveiled the churches new tithing slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 10. Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help. 11. Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and Medication to follow. 12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 13. For those of you who have children and don't know it; we have a nursery downstairs. 14. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 15. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 16. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 17. Wednesday, the ladies of the Liturgy society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 18. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those interested in becoming a Little Mother please see the pastor in his private study. 19. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 20. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will begin (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in. 21. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 22. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday. 23. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 24. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to the choir practice. 25. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 26. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. all ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 27. Evening massage - 6 p.m. 28. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 29. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 30. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m...Please use the back door. 31. Ushers will eat latecomers. 32. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment. 33. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience. 34. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 35. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 36. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 37. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 38. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 39. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 40. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 41. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 42. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 43. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why. 44. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 45. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir. 46. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding" 47. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better. ____________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Bus Driver And A Priest A Priest And A Bus Driver A priest and a bus driver both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to a wishing well. Anything you wish on that wishing well will come true guaranteed." The priest says, "Oh, thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver. They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge castle on one of the mountains with about 200 rooms. St. Peter says, "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want." The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but shouldn't the priest get all this, not me? Shouldn't I get the cottage and 50 acres instead?" St. Peter just laughs and says "The reason you get all this is because when the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. Now, when you drove your bus, people prayed!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Creation From A Feminist Point Of View HA HA!!!! I told you when God created man she was only joking.... And God Created Woman. And she was good. And she had two arms, two legs and three breasts. And God asked woman what she would like to have changed about herself. And she asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good. She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob. And God created man. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Dead Catholic A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man." The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dead Couples Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside. Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter. Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!" He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!" The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Death Wish _________________________________________________________________ 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" ________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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