3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
131 Adult Jokes
This is page 13 of 14 pages displaying a total of 131 Adult jokes.
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A Man Entered A Restaurant And Sat At The Only Open Table It seems that a man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "For give the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Married Man And His Secretary Were Having A Torrid Affair. A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. Thats why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Man Takes The Day Off Of Work And Decides To Go Out Golfing A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog." The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 15 year old girl in the world. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room". -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Ray's Tennis Elbow Had Been Killing Him, So... Ray's tennis elbow had been killing him, so when he was passing by the doctor's office one day, he decided to stop in. The nurse told him he could see the doctor in twenty minutes, but first he had to provide a urine sample. Ray told her that was absurd for an elbow examination, but she insisted. Finally, he agreed. Later, he was ushered in to see the doctor, who said, "That tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" "The nurse told you, then?" Ray asked. "No," the doctor replied. "It's the urinalysis." He explained that he'd purchased a new machine that could diagnose absolutely every physical condition with total accuracy. The machine cost a fortune, but it cut down on his work so much that he was able to get out on the golf course at three every afternoon. Ray didn't believe a word. However, he did agree to provide another urine sample when he came back in for another checkup. Two weeks later, Ray was sitting at the breakfast table talking with his wife about the ridiculous machine. They decided to have some fun with the doctor. Ray pee'ed in the bottle, and so did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, as he opened the garage door, Ray had another idea. He put a few drops of crankcase oil from his car in the bottle, then beat off and added a few drops of semen. Then he shook up the bottle, drove to the doctor and handed the bottle to the nurse. This time the analysis took an entire hour. When Ray sat down, the doctor looked at him and said, "All right, wise guy. I've got some bad news for you. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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S*** Happens "shit happens' according to different beliefs Taoism: shit happens Protestantism: let shit happen to someone else Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserved it Judaism: why does shit always happen to us? Atheism: no shit tv evangelism: send us more shit buddhism: if shit happens, it is not really shit Zen Buddhism: what is the sound of shit happening? Hidnuism: this shit happened before (another one I pickup up somewhere) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Problem Solving Flowsheet Flowchart of life ... PROBLEM SOLVING FLOWSHEET ------------------------- ------------ Does the damn thing work? ----------- | (yes) (no) | V V ---- don't fuck ------- did you fuck ----- | with it! | (yes) with it? (no) | | V | | ---- Does anyone -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Guy Dies And Wakes Up To Find He Is In Hell. A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in Hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor. Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed? Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell. Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke? Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs? Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little. Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble? Guy: Yes, I love to gamble. Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay? Guy: Well, no I'm not. Counselor: Oh [grimaces], you're gonna hate Fridays... -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Businessman Walks Up To The Bartender In The Lounge Of A
Plush Hotel. A businessman walks up to the bartender in the lounge of a plush hotel. He leans over and in a low voice, says "Listen, I'm going to be here for the next week, and I'm kinda lookin' for some action, know what I mean?" The bartender gives him a knowing smile. "See that lady over there at the end of the bar? She ain't the greatest looking, but believe me, she's the best." The man thanks the bartender then sidles up beside the lady and buys her a drink. "Hi. I was told that you're the best. I'd like to find that out for myself." The lady looks him up and down then says, "I'll give you a hand job for fifty bucks." "Fifty bucks! For a HAND JOB?!? I could get LAID for fifty bucks! That's ridiculous!" "Come with me, I want to show you something." The lady leads the man out to the parking lot of the hotel. She points at a mint Porsche 911 Turbo. "See that car over there? I paid for that car with the money I made from hand jobs." The man is taken back. Wow, he thinks, she MUST be pretty good. "Okay, let's do it" Best hand job the man ever had. He couldn't believe it. There was no doubt in his mind that it was worth the fifty bucks. A couple of days later he sees the lady in the bar, and deciding he wants more, asks: "How much for a blow job?" Casually, she replies, "Five hundred." "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! You must be out of your mind! No one would pay that kind of money just for a blow job! That's insane!" "Come with me to my place. I want to show you something." She takes him back to her condominium, his curiosity getting the better of him. The place is gorgeous. Expensive art decorates the richly furnished dwelling. "Wow," he says as he looks around. "This place is amazing. It must have cost you a fortune." She smiles proudly. "I paid for all this with the money I've made from blow jobs." "You can't be serious!" The man is beyond impressed. "All right," he says, "You must be worth it. I know I'm crazy, but let's do it." The man gets the best blow job he's ever had in his life. It was the most mind blowing orgasm he's ever experienced, and he thinks about this all the next day. The next night he finds the lady in the bar and says "I can't get you out of my mind. You ARE the best. I HAVE to know what it's like to have sex with you. I don't care what it costs." The lady gives him an almost sad look. Expecting the price to be beyond his means, the business man follows the lady as she leads him once again into the parking lot. "See this hotel?," she says, gesturing expansively. The man looks up at the plush exterior and braces himself for the bad news. "Don't tell me...," he breathes in awe. "This is ALL yours?" She smiles as she looks at him. "This WOULD be all mine -- if I was a WOMAN." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Little Johnny Comes Home From School With A Note From His Teacher... Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - First, Johnny, i want you to take off my blouse... So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - Ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - Now take off my bra... Which he does. - And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Now, Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Very Shy Guy Goes Into A Bar And Sees A Beautiful Woman Sitting At The Bar. A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?" --- -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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