3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 13 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
|
The Watch Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks: "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six", he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out..." - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven till six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding." The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all...", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning", explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that "the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than ..." "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not ..." "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch and hands it to the stranger. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been trying to wrestle through the terminal. "Don't forget your batteries." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Whiskey And Worms A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Wife's Name A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." "Well, to be honest, I've forgotten her name." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Wife's Name Too There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?" "My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied. The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you." The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?" "My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Your Husband's Dead, Mam.... **************************************** George, Bob and Fred are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, George falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with George's body, Bob and Fred realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Fred. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT??" exclaims Fred, "you just told her, her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Fred. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you George's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
|
Dog Hiaku I lie belly-up In the sunshine, happier than You will ever be. Today I sniffed Many dog behinds -- I celebrate By kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paper boy -- come to kill us all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! I sound the alarm! Garbage man -- come to kill us all! Look! Look! Look! Look! Look! How do I love thee? The ways are as numberless as My hairs on the rug. My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have Made a puddle. I hate my choke chain Look, world, they strangle me! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Sleeping here, my chin On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well, Maybe catching rats. Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could Love you as much as I do. The cat is not all Bad --she fills the litter box With tootsie rolls. Dig under the fence--why? Because it is there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend, Now, always, and especially When you are eating. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
State Mottos Tired of your old state mottos? Here are suggestions for new ones: * Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity * Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! * Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat * Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing * California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. * Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother * Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet * Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water * Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids * Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism * Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) * Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good * Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" * Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free * Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn * Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States * Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names * Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign * Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster * Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It * Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) * Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians * Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes * Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State * Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work * Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else * Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest * Nevada: Strippers, Lounge Lizards, and Poker! * New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone * New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! * New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets * New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... * North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable * North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States! * Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan * Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing * Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner * Pennsylvania: Acceleration Ramps - What's That? Civil Engineers - Who Needs Them! * Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island * South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender * South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota * Tennessee: The Educashun State * Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English) * Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus * Vermont: Yep * Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? * Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers! * Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? * West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really! * Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese * Wyoming: The nation's best beef cattle. Watch where you step -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
A True Friend A True Friend For those that are tired of the usual "friend" poems, a touch of truth! When you are sad........................ I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are scared.................. I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get. When you are worried................ I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining. When you are confused............. I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. When you are sick........................ I will hold your hair while you pray homage to the porcelain God. When you fall....................... I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. This is my oath.................. I pledge til the end. Why you may ask?.................. Because you are my friend Send this to ten of your closest friends and you will win the lottery. Yeah right, when pigs fly! -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Skeptical Irishman In The Zoo Subject: Skeptical Irishman in the zoo An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped it's foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said. The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman okayed him on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried: "BeGabbers, he's right. Farty two. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Look For The Union Label LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the UPS man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
<< PREVIOUS 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
