3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 13 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Top Ten Caddy Comments TOP TEN CADDY COMMENTS 10. Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" 9. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." 8. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now." 7. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." 6. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence." 5. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." 4. Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf." 3. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?" Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day." 2. Golfer: This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." 1. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Old Folks' Party Games Top Ten Old Folks' Party Games 1. Sag - You're It! 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket 5. Doc, Doc, Goose 6. Simon Says Something Incoherent 7. Hide and Go Sleep 8. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 9. Musical Recliners 10. Name that Relative -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Firestone Tires Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires 10. "Safer than a Russian sub." 9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law." 8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit." 7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?" 6. "Pop a set on your car today." 5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?" 4. "Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit." 3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something." 2. "Best Blow Job In Town' and number one is................. 1. "You can't recall a better tire." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE 10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM. 9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets. 8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup. 7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!" 6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy." 5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!" 4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks. 3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening." 2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese." 1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards! -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Slogans Being Considered By Viagra. Top ten Slogans being considered by Viagra. 10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!" 9. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper 8. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight 6. Viagra, Home of the whopper 5. Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman! 3. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling! 2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to! And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Slogans For Jenny Craig TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR JENNY CRAIG NOW THAT THEY'VE HIRED MONICA LEWINSKY: 10. Overweight? Get up off your knees and come see us. 9. Stop looking like fat white trash! Start looking like thin white trash! 8. Who cares about morality when you look good? 7. Our meals aren't hard to swallow. 6. Our choice of spokesperson is as tasteless as our food. 5. You'll look so good, all the married men you know will want to commit adultery. 4. We solemnly swear you'll lose weight...but it depends on your definition = of "lose." 3. Monica says, "Mmm mmm," but that's usually all she can say. 2. Desiree Brown wanted too much money, so we had to hire Monica. 1. We got Monica to lose weight, and you all know that she'll eat anything. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren’t: 10. I need to whip it out by 5. 9. Mind if I use your laptop? 8. Just stick it in my box. 7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag. 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!! 5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it’s out of fluid. 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. 3. It’s an entry-level position. 2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today? And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t: 1. It’s not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren’t: 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn’t: 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge. 8. Counselor, let’s do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good. 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t: 1. Think you can get me off? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Translating Women's/men's English: TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Will you marry me? = I want to make it legal for you to have sex with me You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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