3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 13 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Death Bed Decisions The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dentures This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 min. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 min. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hr. 25 min. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING! -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Breaking News (extra,extra) Divine Press Release Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed", and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily". Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions. If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10 "Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Easter Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." ___________________________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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An Example Of True Faith A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Father, I Confess.... Once there was this guy who personally felt that he has committed many sins and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of them. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. "Father, I am sinful." "Yes, my son, just tell me what have you done. The Lord will forgive you." "Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her." "That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake." "There's more Father. Last week I went to her office to look for her,but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you." "Please, I have more to confess Father. Last month I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too." "That's not very good of you", the Father said as he dropped his pants. "Father! Father, what are you doing?! " "Well, my son, she isn't here either!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Secret Code There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,"if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Four Nuns Make It To Heaven There are four nuns waiting at heavens gate to be let in. St. Peter is there to let them in, however before he is allowed to let them in he must ask them all one question. St. Peter: "Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis before?" The first nun says nervously "Well, I did touch one with my finger once." St. Peter: "Then you must go dip your finger in the holy water and only then may you pass into heaven." So she dips her finger in the holy water and walks in. St. Peter turns to the next nun. "Sister, have you ever touched a man's penis before?" And the next nun responds "Well, yes, once with my hands." St. Peter says, "Then you must wash your hands in the holy water before you pass into heaven." So the nun washes her hands in the holy water and walks into heaven. Suddenly there is a ruckus in the line. "Sisters, sisters!", St. Peter exclaims. "This is a line to get into heaven not a saloon! For heaven's sake Sister Teresa what is going on here?" "I'm sorry St. Peter", Sister Teresa explains. "I just wanted to gargle with the holy water before Sister Mary Catherine puts her ass in it!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Fundamental Changes In Hell The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the pearly gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, "Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. BUT..... Two days later... "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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A Customs Agent In Israel Maybe in Tel Aviv? A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "Where did you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls where the men were relieving themselves and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'" "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?" "Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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