3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 14 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
<< PREVIOUS 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
|
Urban Myth I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC). Anyway, one day this same guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e- mail to everyone I know.) The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives. I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation. Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms. If you don't, the CEO of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck: you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever. I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet. Wink.............. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Life Lessons The following was written by Charles Sykes. He wrote for high school and college graduates a list of 11 things they did not learn in school. In his book, he talks about how to feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality, and set them up for failure in the real world. You may want to share this list with some you know. Rule 1. Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2. The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself. Rule 3. You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both. Rule 4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6. If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. Rule 7. Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8. Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life. Rule 9. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10. Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Cowboy Maxims Cowboy Maxims: 1. Don't squat with your spurs on. 2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in. 4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. 5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. 6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works. 8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. 9. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco. 10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. 11. Always drink upstream from the herd. 12. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. 13. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. 14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. 15. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 16. There are three kinds of men: 1. The one that learns by reading. 2. The few who learn by observation. 3. The rest who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Out Of Ammo Out of Ammo An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Brunette Jokes BRUNETTE JOKES! ______________________________________ WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it. WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it. WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? So brunettes can remember them. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible. WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet?" WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage. WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price. WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Idiots IDIOTS AT WORK.. I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes." IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?" Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #4: I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Or, Ca, Wa & The Wall Three guys, a Oregonian , a Californian and a Washingtonian are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"says the Genie. The Oregonian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Oregon." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Oregon was forever made fertile for farming. The Californian was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around California, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around California. The Washingtonian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state. Nothing can get in or out." And with this, the man from Washington says "Fill it up with water." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Or In Hell A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven's gates. Others were lining up behind Satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "I'm supposed to be in line for judgment (didn't want Satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn't help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?" "Oh," Satan said with a snicker. "Those are Oregonians. They're too wet to burn." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Bungee Jumping In Mexico Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
|
Montana Black Bear Notice Montana Black Bear Notice: In light of the rising frequency of serious incidents between humans and black bears, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for black bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing as a warning, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of a close encounter with a bear. Additionally, it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should also be able to recognize the difference between the black bear and its more ferocious cousin, the grizzly bear: While the tracks for the two species of bear are quite similar, the black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. On the other hand, the grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
<< PREVIOUS 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 | 10-19 20-29 30-39 40-49 50-52 NEXT >>
