3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 14 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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True Quotes True Quotes "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Lewis Grizzard "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" - Marilyn Pittman "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry "We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" - Elayne Boosler "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." - George Carlin "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim...'" - Paula Poundstone "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:.......Duh." - Conan O'Brien "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." - Lily Tomlin "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Ttey Put Advertisements In With Your Bills Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels. I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank you. On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. On Cripes: My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck? On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking. How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we cannot see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. On Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, "Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God, give me your hand. It won't be long now. On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece. I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. On Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing. On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice, there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote. They're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say I'm not in the mood. On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Vacation Term Translation VACATION TERM TRANSLATION In case any of you are still thinking about picking a vacation spot, be aware of the following advertising lingo... Old world charm ........... No bath Tropical .......................... Rainy Majestic setting ............. A long way from town Options galore ................Nothing is included in the itinerary Secluded hideaway ........ Impossible to find or get to Pre-registered rooms ..... Already occupied Explore on your own ...... Pay for it yourself No extra fees .................. No extras Nominal fee .................. Outrageous charge Standard........................ Sub-standard Deluxe ......................... Standard Superior ...................... One free shower cap All the amenities ......... Two free shower caps Plush ........................... Top and bottom sheets Gentle breezes ............ Occasional Gale-force winds Light and airy.............. No air conditioning Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby Open bar .................... Free ice cubes -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Valentine Cards That Didn't Make It Valentine Cards That Didn't Make It 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk but the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!! 4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty." 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! __________________________________________________ -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Webster's New Dictionary Webster's New Dictionary ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen. DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. ENEMA - A goose with a gush. EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush. FATHER’S DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. GIGOLO - The egg that laid the golden Goose. GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomph, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn’t worry about the meat shortage. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses’ asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ. METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore. MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. MOTHER’S DAY - Nine months after fathers day. MULE BARBECUE- Where everybody gets a piece of ass. NUN - A woman who isn't never had none, don’t want none, and ain’t going to get none. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate’s handiwork. RUMBA - An asset to music. SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don’t. SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap. TRIPLETS - Having to take seriously what was poked at you in fun. VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you. VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it’s gone forever. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Weird Local Usa Sex Laws Weird Local USA Sex Laws No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." The following important amendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses." In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor. In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night). -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What The Dalai Lama Says What the Dalai Lama says This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, which begins 01/01/2001. All it takes is a few seconds to read and think about. Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious. Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama: 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson. 3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others responsibility for all your actions. 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship. 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. 8. Spend some time alone every day. 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values. 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time. 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past. 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality. 15. Be gentle with the earth. 16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before. 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. 19. Approach love and golf with reckless abandon. Do not keep this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant surprise (this is true even if you are not superstitious) if you send it to: 0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly. 5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking. 9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks. 15 people and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What The Man In Blue Doesn't Want To Hear... What The Man in Blue Doesn't Want to Hear... "Remember, I pay your salary." "I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer." "Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does." "Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning." "I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead." "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence." "Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds." " 'Sall right occifer... I only had tee martoonis!" "Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this here 44 magnum." "Hey, you must have been doing 115 to keep up with me, awesome job!" "I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me." "So tell me, are you on the take or what?" "Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in." "What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist." "Dude! You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand." "So, you're not going to check the trunk, are you?" "You know, I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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What's Your "southern" Sign? For those of you who were afraid to ask, what's your "Southern" sign? Some "Southerners" are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. It has become obvious that to some, if we are to ever fully understand all the signs, we need symbols that all true southerners understand... OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. MOON PIE (Mar 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not. POSSUM (APR 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over. CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads. COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache. CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although ones whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies. GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well. BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you. BUTTER BEAN (October 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies. ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Who's To Blame "who's to blame" Let's see if I understand how the world works lately.. If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates...okay? -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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