3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 14 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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The Garden Of Eden Battle of the Sexes Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability." Adam jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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When God Fishes **************** A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. "You will find no fish under that ice." The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As I said before, there are no fish under the ice." The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. "I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!" The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?" "No", the voice replied. "I am the manager of this hockey area! \\|// (o o) ------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----------------------------------------------- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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God's Phone God's phone..... The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord!" The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56) The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel 50!" ($0.42) The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?" The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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God's Hand Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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The Golfing Preacher As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar Order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his Order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest. One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Golf In Heaven God, Jesus, and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven. On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie. Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie. God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about 3 feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in...a hole in one! Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: "Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna screw around?" ======================================================== -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Golf Confession A man walks into confessional and says, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned..." The priest replies, "What is it that brings you here?" "Well father, I used the F-word over the weekend." "Oh is that all? Say five Hell Mary's and may the Lord be with you." The man replies, "Listen: I really need to talk about it." "Let's have it then," the priest says as he leans back on the hard wooden bench. "You see Father, I was playing golf this weekend and on the first tee, I was lining up my drive and proceeded to hit a horrendous slice into the trees." "And that's when you cursed aloud?" the Father queried. "No, not yet. As luck would have it, I found my ball and had a clear shot to the green from a nice lie; when all of a sudden, a squirrel scampered out of some bushes, picked up my ball by its teeth and darted up a tree." "That must have been when you cursed?" "No, because just as the squirrel had climbed to the top of the tree, a bird swooped out of the skies and grabbed the squirrel with its talons. The bird flew out the trees and back out over the green. Then, the squirrel dropped my ball from its mouth landing 5 inches from the cup!" "And that's when you cursed aloud," the priest said assuredly. "No, no.." The Father exclaimed, "Jesus Christ! Don't TELL me you missed the fucking putt!" - -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Why God Didn't Get Tenured Why God never got tenure ... 1. Only one major publication 2. ..in Hebrew 3. ..no references 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. There are some doubts he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results 8. Never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 9. When experiment went awry, tried to cover it by drowning subjects. 10. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, deleted them from sample. 11. Rarely came to class and just told students to read the book. 12. Expelled the first two students for learning too much. 13. Only had ten requirements, but most of his students failed them. 14. Office hours infrequent and usually held on mountain top. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hair In Biblical Times A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you son. You bring your grades up from a 'C' to a 'B' average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." Well, the boy thought about it for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car. Again they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday mornings. But I'm real disappointed that you haven't got your hair cut." The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus Himself had long hair." To which his father replied, "You're right son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Religious Hats A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat. Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you." The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he though, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said... At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats. "So where's the money?" she said. "I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost." "You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!" "It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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