3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 15 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Us & Ussr Dog Fight The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Beer Warning Labels The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: 13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The "not Raising Hogs" Business Secretary of Agriculture Washington DC Dear Mr Secretary, My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your check for not raising any. If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fiftty hogs, will I get two thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now,another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising and wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year not to raise hogs or grain. Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please send me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food stamps. Patriotically Yours , Robert Dunn -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Kid's Prayer, Goodbye Daddy One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I'm sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Wwii Gi And Ladys Dog A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on this feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude!" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train again and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs -- I have a couple at home -- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said. The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are also arrogant." He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat gently spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Us Navy & Canada This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Dam Beavers December 17, 1997 State of Michigan Reply To: Grand Rapids District Office State Office Building 6th Floor 350 Ottawa NW Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341 CERTIFIED Mr. Ryan DeVries 2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County Dear Mr. DeVries: It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division ----Reply Letter---- Dear Mr. Price: Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response. First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any dam time and/or any dam place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no dam way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your dam request the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity, my first dam question to you is: Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all dam beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated. My first concern is - aren't the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said dam representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the dam stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any dam attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English), be sure you read them their dam Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this dam State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice! In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their dam unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more dam elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem; bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office. Sincerely, Stephen L. Tvedten cc: PETA -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Four Preachers At The Pearly Gates. Four preachers and their wives all met at the Pearly Gates. The first approached St. Peter and asked to enter Heaven. St. Peter said, "I can't let you in. It seems you have a problem with money. You love money so much that you even married a woman named Penny. You'll just have to wait in that room over there." The second preacher approached and was told that he couldn't enter either because he had a problem with alcohol. "You love it so much that you even married a woman named Brandy, St. Peter said, "Wait in there." The third preacher came forward, but he too was told that he would not be able to enter because he loved the glitter of gold and the sparkle of diamonds. St. Peter told him, "You love it so much that you even married a woman named Jewel. Go wait in the other room." The fourth preacher just sighed and followed the others to the room saying to his wife, "Come on, Fanny." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The World According To Comedian Steven Wright "The world according to comedian Steven Wright" 1. Black holes are where God divided by zero. 2. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. 3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 4. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 5. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 6. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 7. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? 8. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 9. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 10. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 11. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 12. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 13. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 14. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 15. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. 16. Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding. 17. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. 18. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. 19. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. 20. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. 21. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. 22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 23. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 24. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. 25. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. 26. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. 27. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! 28. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 29. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. 30. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. 31. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 32. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! 33. If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 34. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? 35. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 36. I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 37. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. 38. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 39. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 40. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. 41. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! 42. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 43. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. 44. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 45. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. 49. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 50. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 51. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 52. He who hesitates is probably right. 53. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. 54. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 55. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. 56. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 57. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 58. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. 59. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 60. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 61. Two wrongs are only the beginning. 62. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 63. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 64. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. 65. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 66. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 67. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 68. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. 69. Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. 70. A fool and his money are soon partying. 71. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. 72. Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it! 73. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. 74. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 75. Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade! 76. Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals." 77. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 78. Death to all fanatics! 79. Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo. 80. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 81. How money from pessimists--they don't expect it back. 82. Beware of geeks bearing gifts. 83. Half the people you know are below average. 84. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 85. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Changes To The Travel Policy ********* CHANGES TO THE TRAVEL POLICY ********* Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel Standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply: LODGING All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. TRANSPORTATION Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. MEALS Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition Centers, and Price Club, Costco, Sam's Clubs, etc., often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries and other food sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or costly preparation. MISCELLANEOUS All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in an effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens, and other items previously purchased as campus giveaways will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits. :) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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