3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 15 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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Wisdom From Will Rogers WISDOM FROM WILL ROGERS Never squat with your spurs on. Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier that putting it back in. If you get to thinking that you are someone of influence, try ordering someone else's dog around. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When your full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Never kick a "Cow Chip" on a hot day. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. It doesn't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Always drink upstream from the herd. When you're throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. Never miss a good chance to shut up. There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Women's English / Men"s English Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me? = [Too late, you're dead] Men's English: I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is it now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? I love you = Let's have sex now! I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex? Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Women's Vocabulary GUYS If you can remember this.... many, many communication problems would just disappear! ;) Women's Vocabulary Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so feel that it's an even trade. Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare; one that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing." Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing." Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. Oh: This word followed by any statement means trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay." Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say, "You're welcome." Thanks A Lot: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing." -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Words Of Wisdom WORDS OF WISDOM Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the heck alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, then it probably was worth it. If you haven't much education you must use your brain. You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong. Who gossips to you will gossip of you. When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" - it's always a negative one. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. The trouble with work is - it's so daily. The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Words Of Wizdumb Words of Wizdumb 1. Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. 2. I am in shape. Round is a shape. 3. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. 4. Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician. 5. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. 6. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 7. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. 8. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out? 9. Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 10. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason. 11. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 12. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 13. Indecision is the key to flexibility. 14. It hurts to be on the cutting edge. 15. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. 16. I don't get even, I get odder. 17. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. 18. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. 19. I am a nutritional overachiever. 20. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. 21. I am having an out of money experience. 22. I plan on living forever. So far, so good. 23. Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths. 24. Practice safe eating-always use condiments. 25. A day without sunshine is like night. 26. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. 27. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws. 28. I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though. 29. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. 30. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 31. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 32. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true. 33. There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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Work Rules Work Rules 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 PM and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do? I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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World's 20 Thinnest Books World's 20 thinnest books 20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno 19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver 18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino 17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton 16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan 15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates 14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY 2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson And the World's Number One Shortest book... 1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know When You're In California When... You know when you're in California when... 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze. 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula. 9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal? 10. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY television program for hours on end. 12. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S. 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 a.m. at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 17. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2000." 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 22. Hey- Is Pot Illegal? 23. You AND your dog have therapists. 24. Over 85% of the cities, towns and streets start with San, Los, El, La, Santa, De La, or De Los, Mexican restaurants abound, and English is the only recognized language. 25. You're driven to tears by two overcast days in a row. 26. Semi's rumble by, and you assume it's just a mild earthquake. 27. Eleven and 12 year olds identify with Oldies music, the Beatles, Classic rock, and Disco, and they remember the words better than you. 28. Soymilk is "de rigeur" on coffee house menus. 29. A family of four owns six vehicles. 30. SUV's never see a dirt road in their life. 31. Everyone who lives here knows that hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, and snow storms are way times worse than earthquakes. 32. The store is across the street, and you still have to drive there. 33. You can get a "fixer-upper" for $400K. 34. Gyms are swarming with fitness nazis who consider anyone not obsessed with working out, as inferior specimens. 35. There are bakeries that cater to dogs only. 36. Lastly, you think that you might someday remember if pot is illegal. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know You Are From A Small Town If... You know you are from a small town if... * You can name everyone you graduated with. * You know what 4-H is. * You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road * You used to drag "main." * You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour. * You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden * You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting * School gets canceled for state events. * You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old they'd tell your parents anyhow). * When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them. * You were ever in the Homecoming parade. * You have ever gone home for Homecoming. * It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. * You had senior skip day. * The whole school went to the same party after graduation. * You don't give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field). * The cc golf course had only 9 holes * You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend * Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason * You think kids that ride skateboards are weird * The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town * Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise * You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people" * The people in the city dress funny, then you pick- up on the trend two years later * You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday * Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store * You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town * Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger * Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference * The city council meets at the coffee shop * Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday * You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis * Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart * Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants. * You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride * Your teachers calls you by your older siblings names * Your teachers remember when they taught your parents * You can charge at all the local stores * The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away * So is the closest mall * It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower * You laugh your butt off reading this because you know they're all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! (because you know them all!) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know You Work For The Government If YOU KNOW YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF... 1. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie. 2. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. 3. Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes. 4. Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job. 5. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. 6. It no longer amazes you that computer security is more important than having computers. 7. Your office computer was just upgraded to a 200 MHz Pentium this year. 8. Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager. 9. Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter. 10. You and your coequals always consume the free food left over from VIP meetings. 11. It’s dark when you drive to and from work. 12. You’re forced to park your car a mile from the office because of all the commander’s, military, customers, designated contractor, VIP’s, employees of the month/quarter/year and visitor, parking spaces by the main entrance. 13. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. 14. “One Oh Shit wipes out years of Atta Boys” are words to live by. 15. You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor. 16. Appearance is more important than substance. (Hear!!! Hear!!!) 17. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. 18. There is never enough time to do your job, but always enough time to prepare a briefing on it. 19. Art involves a white board and dry markers. 20. The suspense you were just assigned was late when you received it and you are required to justify why. 21. Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk. 22. Although you have a telephone, pager, e-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and co-equals sitting right on the other side of the partition...communication is a continuing problem. 23. You know and everyone that works with you knows your performance is superior, but “satisfactory” is the highest level on the documented performance rating. 24. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!” 25. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. 26. When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else’s problem; when management screws up they are promoted. 27. Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you.” 28. Training is something spoken about but never seen. 29. Vacation is something you roll over to next year. 30. No travel money to do the mission, but always enough money for another useless conference. 31. Change is the norm. 32. Organizational direction changes every 2 or 3 years. 33. The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint. 34. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. 35. You can name more Government employees that used to work with you than the ones you work directly with in your current position. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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