3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 15 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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Heaven & Hell There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the accountant found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The accountant was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven." So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose you're eternity." The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil cameup to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the accountant, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're staff." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Her Cure Worse Than The Disease? A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a Psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. "Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band." "Aw, I just told her she was pregnant." "My God, is she?" "No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Dining In Heaven ________________________________________________________ This elderly couple met their demise in an auto accident and were transported to Heaven. The faithful couple were recognized by St. Peter and escorted into the welcome center, where they began to take in all the wonder and amazement of the place. St. Peter pointed out the food court and told them that they could of course eat anything and not worry about their health. The husband especially began partaking of the pastries and deserts. The wife was amazed at the beauty, the peace and the joy she felt and commented over and over about what a nice place Heaven was and how happy she felt to be there. However, the husband began looking quite grim. His wife inquired what the problem was. The husband sneered, "If it weren't for you and your oat bran muffins & health food, we'd probably have been here 15 years ago!" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Heaven's Menu Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?" -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Heavenly Baseball Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hiding One's Identity Identity Concealed -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied... "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Lucky Leprechaun One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"" "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." "I did that for you too. And might I ask how your sex life is?" The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "What?! Only once or twice a week?" "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Lines In Heaven Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line? And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here". -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Hell A Week in Hell One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has first meeting with a demon. Demon: Why so glum, chum? GUY: What do you think? I'm in hell. Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have alot of fun down here. You a drinking man? GUY: Sure, I love to drink. Demon: Well, your're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guiness, wine coolers, diet Tab..we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. GUY: Gee, that sounds greet Demon: You a smoker? GUY: You better believe it. Demon; All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead. GUY: Golly! Demon: I bet you like to gamble. GUY: Yes, I do as a matter of fact. Demon: Good, because Wednesdays is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a progressive pot poker table. GUY: Gosh, I never played with a progressive pot before. Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs? GUY: Yes. I love to do drugs. You don't mean... Demon: Yes. That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay...you're already dead. GUY: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place! Demon: You gay! GUY: Uh, no DEMON:Ooooooohhhh. Then you're gonna hate Fridays........ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Hell Joke A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge). Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell. Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got? Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors. You look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity. Man: OK. The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor. Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next? The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors. Man: That looks worse, got anything left? The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in manure drinking coffee. Man: Well, this smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one. Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want? Man: Absolutely! The devil then escorts him in the room and then shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says: "Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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