3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 16 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Motto's For The New, Kinder Irs Tax season descends upon us like the shadow of a cow dropped from a hot air balloon onto a redwood picnic table. Motto's for the new, kinder IRS... The IRS: when you need a hug. When you need us, we'll be around. The IRS: just a bundle of cash a day is all we ask. The New Improved Fat Free Low Cholesterol IRS. The Internal Revenue Service, just a smile away. The IRS: we're not your father's tax collector anymore. We're the IRS. Go ahead, screw with us. We don't care anymore. Hey, its not like we take everything. We care because it's not just your money, it's our money too. The IRS: we're back and we're nice now. Really. Tasty, and we're good for you too. The Modern IRS: think of South Park all grown up. The IRS: we still don't need a warrant, but we'll get one if you ask. The IRS: we're the People People. Give us a little kiss: the IRS. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Mathematics Of Logging Mathematics of Logging Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment. Teaching Math in 1997: A company out sources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move? Teaching Math in 1998: A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs? -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Is Hell Exothermic Or Endothermic? A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? "I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. "With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. "Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. "So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. "Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over." It was not revealed what grade the student received. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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King Arthur & Chastity Belt Camelot King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried About leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and Said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad was speechless. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Peanuts Specials For Kids Of The 90s A few years ago Charlie Brown and the "Peanuts" gang made a new friend who developed leukemia in an animated special entitled, "WHY ME, CHARLIE BROWN?" Recently MetLife has put out a series of instructional pamphlets which feature the Peanuts gang dealing with issues such as loss of a loved one, writing a will, and coping with permanent disability. Now that Charlie Brown is dealing with important issues, how about some Peanuts specials for kids of the 90s: We could learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE CHARLIE BROWN" Chuck and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "IT'S A PLUS SIGN, CHARLIE BROWN!" Is Linus gay? Find out in: "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE CHARLIE BROWN" Explore the real problems of child abuse in America in: "YOU MADE ME DO THAT CHARLIE BROWN" See how the Peanuts gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO CHARLIE BROWN!" Discover a father's forbidden love in: "ITS OUR LITTLE SECRET, CHARLIE BROWN" Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN" What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN" Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and boosting cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY CHARLIE BROWN" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Why Sports Scholarship Is An Oxymoron WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN OXYMORON "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." *Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." *Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "You guys line up alphabetically, by height." *Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." *Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class." *George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not to Princeton." *Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." *Shaquille O'Neal, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece "The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." *Yogi Berra "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." *Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." *Football commentator and former player, Joe Theismann -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Funny Bumber Stickers Funny Bumber Stickers: Horn broken. Watch for finger. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart? He who laughs last thinks slowest. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS. No radio - Already stolen. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW. Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Deer Son Deer Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home,...so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address, wish I would have thought of that. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning.. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle, yet. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some of the men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for about 3 days. Three of your friends when off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down in time. Not much more news this time, nothing much happened. Love, Mom. P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY, but the envelope was already sealed. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Jargon Watch One of the great joys of modern American English is the enthusiasm we have for new words and word usages. It drives the folk for whom English is a Second (or fourth or tenth) Language, absolutely nuts I hear... -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Application For Permission To Date My Daughter APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME:_________________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:______________ 2. HEIGHT:______________WEIGHT:____________IQ:______________G.P.A.:__________ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK:___________________________CITY/STATE:_____________ZIP:____ 5. ADDRESS:__________________________________ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______________________ 7. Number of years parents married:__________________________________ 8. Do you own a van?_________A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed?________ Do you have an earring, nose ring or bellybutton ring?_________________ A Tattoo?__________ (if you answered yes to any of these questions, discontinue application and leave premises) 9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______ ______________________________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?____________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend:________________________How often do you attend?_______ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/ minister?____________________________________ Answer by filling in the blanks, please answer freely - all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone - ever - I promise) A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the _____________________________________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________ C. A woman's place is in the_______________________________________________ D. The one think I hope this application does not ask me about is__________ _________________________________________________________________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is________________ __________________________________________________________________________ (NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised) F. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_____________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.. ____________________________________________ SIGNATURE (that means sign your name, moron!) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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