3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 16 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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You Know You're In The Central Valley When. . . You know you're in the Central Valley when. . . 1. You have to explain to company from out of town, what animal "Tri-tip" comes from and that it's indigenous to the area. 2. You buy salsa by the gallon. 3. You think a red traffic light is just a suggestion. 4. All of your out of state friends start to visit after October, but clear out before the end of April. 5. Most of the restaurants in town have the first name "El" or "Los" 6. You think 6 tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. 7. You notice your car overheating before you drive it. 8. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water. 9. You see more irrigation water on the street than in the river. 10. You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink. 11. You can say 115 degrees without fainting. 12. Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way. 13. People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70. 14. You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 15. You think someone driving wearing oven mitts is clever. 16. The pool can be warmer than you are. 17. You can make sun tea instantly. 18. You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace. 19. People with black cars or upholstery are assumed to be from out-of-town. 20. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. 21. You realize that Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 22. The water from the cold water tap is the same temperature as the hot one. 23. It's noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is moving in the streets. 24. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. 25. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know You're Living In The Year 2002 When YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses. 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check you E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-) 24. You're reading this. 25. Even worse; you're going to copy and paste it to someone else. (and I did) -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know You're Trailer Trash When: You Know You're Trailer Trash When: The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y’all watch this!" You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’ You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge. One of your kids was born on a pool table. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard. Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ‘cause there’s a law against it. You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos." Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You May Be A Wisconsinite If: You May Be A Wisconsinite if: * You define summer as three months of bad sleding * Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar. * Snow tires come standard on all your cars * You refer to the Packers as we * You can make sense out of the words upnort and Trivers * You have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week * You can identify a Michigan accent.... * Down South to you means Chicago * Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee * A brat is something you eat * You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.... * You have no problem spelling Milwaukee * You consider Madison exotic * You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon * You've seen a hodag * You can actually pronounce Oconomowoc * You know what a bubbler is * Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed * A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer. * You go out for fish fry every Friday * You can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving * You know how to polka * You drink soda and refer to your dad as pop * Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans & a baseball cap * You were unaware there is a legal drinking age * You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August * You define swimming season as Labor Day weekend * You know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it * You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend * You can visit Luxemborg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon * You only know three spices, salt, pepper and ketchup * You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit * You have more miles on your snowblower than your car * You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard * You enjoy driving in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow * Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie * You owe more money on your snowmoble than on your car * The local paper covers major headlines on 1 page but requires 6 pages for sports * At least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as meat processing plant * You think the start of deer season is a national holiday * You know which leaves make good toilet paper * You find 0 degrees a little chilly * You know what to do with a Blatz * You actually understand these jokes * You forward them to all your Wisconsin friends. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You're Getting Old When You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress. You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. -- Keystone Cop (http://keystonecop.net) |
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You Know You're Getting Old When.... YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN.... 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you, and you always hated it. 11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age. 12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. 13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up. 14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. 15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer. 16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr. 17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend. 19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot. 20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals. 21. It takes twice as long-to look half as good. 22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt-doesn't work. 23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time. 24. You sink your teeth into a steak-and they stay there. 25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good. 26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore. 27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. 28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Acronyms We'd Love To See Top Least Used Personals Acronyms --------------------------------- WSF = "will settle for" ("ISO leggy supermodel; WSF any vertebrate"); LWM = "live with Mom" ("SM, financially independent -- because I LWM"); BTD = "bore {you} to death" ("SF, enjoy long walks on beach, and the chance to BTD about my old boyfriend"); PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man" ("You've tried the best *and* the rest, now try this PEM"); MMP = "married male predator" ("MMP ISO gullible woman to string along until the sex dries up."); TSZ = "twelve-step zealot" ("SM, enjoy endlessly obsessing about my twelve-step program"); CHF = "collect Hummel figures" ("SF, 49, no contact with the outside world except shopping trips to CHF"); IPH = "impossibly poofy hair" ("SF, 21 ISO SM 18-45 who enjoys The Mall and my IPH"); ACS = "Active Canker Sores" ("SM, with AKC ISO SF without same"); PDP = "Pants Dropping President" ("PDP seeks big-haired minimum wage receptionist to show distinguishing characterisitcs of member...") -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Seminars For Women SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males) 1. Elementary Map Reading 2. Crying and Law Enforcement 3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours 5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 6. The Seven-Outfit Week 7. PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") 8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions 9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights 10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water 12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You") 14. How to Earn Your Own Money 15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") 16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station 19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") 24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" 25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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More Seminars SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females): 1. Combating Stupidity 2. You, Too, Can Do Housework 3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money 6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception 9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook 10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You're Obviously Wrong 11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right 12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence 13. You: The Weaker Sex 14. Reasons to Give Flowers 15. How to Stay Awake in Public 16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom 17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb 18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try 19. The Morning Dilemma if IT's awake: Take a Shower 20. I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please 21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet") 22. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonyms 23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit 24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost 25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency 26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex 27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes 28. Mother-in-Laws: They are People, Too 29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home 30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver 31. Seeing the True You (formerly titled "No, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked") 32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works 33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting "Tits" From Your Vocabulary 34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary 35. Techniques of Calling Home SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males): 1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the word "YES." 2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look Fat?") 3. Elementary Map Reading 4. Crying and Law Enforcement 5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR 6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours 7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast 8. The Seven-Outfit Week 9. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (Previously: "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it") 10. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission 11. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Red Lights 12. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed 13. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water 14. The Super Bowl: Not a Game: A Sacrament 15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too" equals "I Love You") 16. How to Earn Your Own Money 17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good") 18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side 19. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup 20. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry 21. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP 22. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments 23. Yes, You Can Pump Your Own Gas 24. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels 25. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy 26. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too 27. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out 28. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock") 29. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do" 30. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House 31. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man? -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Dictionary Terms Word Power - New Words for the Week 1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. 3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. 6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. 8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry. 9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species. 10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. 11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding. 12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. 13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. 15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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