3354 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
This is page 17 of 52 pages displaying a total of 518 Unsorted jokes.
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Application For Permission To Date My Daughter APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement history, lineage and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME:_________________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:______________ 2. HEIGHT:______________WEIGHT:____________IQ:______________G.P.A.:__________ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY#_________________________DRIVERS LICENSE#_________________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK:___________________________CITY/STATE:_____________ZIP:____ 5. ADDRESS:__________________________________ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______________________ 7. Number of years parents married:__________________________________ 8. Do you own a van?_________A truck with oversized tires?___________ A waterbed?________ Do you have an earring, nose ring or bellybutton ring?_________________ A Tattoo?__________ (if you answered yes to any of these questions, discontinue application and leave premises) 9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ______________________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?______ ______________________________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?____________________ ______________________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend:________________________How often do you attend?_______ When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/ minister?____________________________________ Answer by filling in the blanks, please answer freely - all answers are confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone - ever - I promise) A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the _____________________________________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my________________ C. A woman's place is in the_______________________________________________ D. The one think I hope this application does not ask me about is__________ _________________________________________________________________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is________________ __________________________________________________________________________ (NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised) F. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_____________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.. ____________________________________________ SIGNATURE (that means sign your name, moron!) Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back) -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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One Day At A Busy Airport One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get on their way. The pilot and copilot finally appear from the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react: thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the plane starts moving down the runway. The pilots clearly are blind. They are not even looking out the windshield. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering amongst themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sign of relief and turns to the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream and we're all gonna get killed!!!!" Here's something along the same lines that I saw posted at a truck rental place: When I die I want to go just like my Dad Quiet and Peaceful Not like the passengers he had in his car... -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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From Dr. Katz this was on Dr. Katz on Comedy Central... A man calls his house from work and the maid answers. "Can I speak to my wife?" he asks. The maid replies, "She's in the bedroom with her lover". The man pauses for a minute and thinks. "OK, I want you to go to the closet and get my gun. Then go in there and shoot both of them." he says. The maid, who isn't too bright, says "Ok." The man hears the maid put the phone down and walk away. Then a few minutes later he hears two gun shots. A minute after that, the maid picks up the phone and asks, "What do you want me to do with the bodies?" The man says "Put them in the pool under the tarp. I'll move them when I get home." "What pool?" "Is this 282-2233?..." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Greeting Cards Unsuccessfully Marketed By Hallmark GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK ------------------------------------------------------ 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Death Star To Open Day Care Center -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Don't Call Me "generation X,"
Call Me A Child Of The Eighties Don't call me "Generation X," call me a child of the eighties by Bryant Adkins published in The Reflector January 20, 1995 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am a child of the eighties. That is what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy. I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "Space Ghost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?") On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My brother and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John COUGAR Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow. I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas, but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler. A substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Did a teacher come in and tell your class? Half of your friends' parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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The Facts Of Life THE FACTS OF LIFE: ==================== Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too. A diplomat is someone who can tell you "where to go" and make you feel happy to be on your way. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Supplement: A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Bumper Stickers ***************Bumper Stickers************** I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? All generalizations are false, including this one. "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Grab Bag I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. Half of the people in the world are below average. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Philosophy ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Steven King, 3/8/90 ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON LAMENTATION Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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