3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
286 Top Signs Jokes
This is page 17 of 29 pages displaying a total of 286 Top Signs jokes.
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More New Dictionary Terms Rewriting Webster's dictionary. Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife. Antelope: How she married my Uncle. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage. Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted. = Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy. Burglarize: What a crook sees with. Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married. Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic. Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend. Celtics: What a parasite salesman does. =20 Concert: A breath mint for inmates. Consist: A growth on an inmate. Content: A fabric shelter for inmates. Control: A short, ugly inmate. Convent: How inmates get air conditioning. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste. Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils. Decrease: De fold in de pants. Demote : What de king put around de castle. Despise: De persons who work for the CIA. Detention: What causes de stress. Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud. Dilate: When a person lives longer. Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle. Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Coffee May Be Bad For Your Health You know you drink too much coffee when... * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You answer the door before people knock. * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * All your kids are named "Joe." * You don't need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup." * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life's goal IS to "amount to a hill of beans." * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can sober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after. * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate." * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Classified Ads That May Or Not Be Real Classified Ads -------------- The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED. SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. 83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000 SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME. FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50 NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD. HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER. HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT. AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100 TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175. OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Cnet Predicts: 1999 At A Glance Thanks to CNET.COM for this: (Friday issue, Nov 13, 1998) Now that the tech-savvy politicians are losing out, here are some changes we can expect in the next couple years: 10. Hormel gets fined millions as result of antispam legislation. 9. DOJ's case against Microsoft is dropped after impassioned plea from a perky, animated paperclip. 8. The UN is urged to intervene and put an end to the carnage and bloodshed of these horrific "browser wars." 7. Al Gore steps up his pro-Net initiatives with a series of high-profile TV and magazine interviews. (Insomnia cured.) 6. Senators' subscriptions to Playboy.com get revoked. 5. The FCC will give away the digital TV airwaves to major media outlets for free....Oh, wait--that happened already. 4. Terrorists get blamed whenever members of congress have problems with their dial-up connections. 3. Calculators are banned from the Senate floor. 2. Other forms of technology such as telephones, automobiles, firearms, and portable incendiary nicotine-delivery systems will also fall into disfavor...these industries will lose their political sway...Amish commandos will storm D.C. and raise barns where godless statehouses once stood. 1. The latest technology initiative is to have one of those newfangled telegraph machines in every Senator's office. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Drunkeness Stages Explained 5 Stages of drunkenness Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Golf Laws These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here. LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three) LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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10 Golf Terms Which Sound Dirty But Are Not Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty in GOLF but aren't: -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= 10. Nuts...my shaft is bent 9. After 18 holes I can barely walk 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker 7. Look at the size of his putter 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more 5. Mind if I join your threesome? 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip 2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't: 1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Good, Bad, And Ugly Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Ugly: You're in them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Grinch Test How to Tell if You're a Grinch ------------------------------ This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions: 1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). 2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out). 3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.(10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points). 4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points. 5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction). 6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth. 7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party). 8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points). 9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year). 10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points). Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100. --------------------------------------------------------- 20-30: You are just a cheeseball. 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets. 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Things I've Learned In Life Things I've learned (by proxy) I've Learned I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6 I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41 I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 45 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72 I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92 -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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