3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
304 Religious Jokes
This is page 17 of 31 pages displaying a total of 304 Religious jokes.
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How A Jewish Programmer Would Write Software Computer Engineer's Haggadah -------------------------------- Release ISRAEL ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release Set ISRAEL;mode=master Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL Set Pharaoh;mode=slave Command ignored Load Moshe Done Deactivate Pharaoh Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated For i=1 to 10 do plagues Are you sure? Y Done Release ISRAEL error: ISRAEL uninitialized Set ISRAEL = 600,000 Done Release ISRAEL ISRAEL released Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0) Done Move ISRAEL to Sinai OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK! Save ISRAEL Specify save device Save ISRAEL with miracle Done Move ISRAEL to Sinai Done For I=1 to 10 do commandments Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active/ golden calf routine Destroy calf Done For I=1 to 10 do commandments Done; commandments stored on hard rock device Move ISRAEL to desert Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years Done Build Mishkan Syntax error Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel Done Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL Warning: operand terms must be unique Move ISRAEL to CANAAN Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10) Done Move ISRAEL to CANAAN Done -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Judgement Day Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Kkk Confusion Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Misbehavior A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in town, their two young sons were in some way involved. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, and her husband agreed that they should send the boys to speak with him. The clergyman decided to speak with the boys individually. The 8-year-old went in first. The clergyman sat him down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in a more stern tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman shook his finger in the boy's face and shouted, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother got up, followed him home, joined him in the closet and asked, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "Man, we're in BIG trouble now. God is missing and they think we did it!" ______________________________________________________________________- -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Moses A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai.... -=-=-=-=-=-=-= God: And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel. Moshe (Moses): Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together. G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs. G: No, Moshe, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!! M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside.... G: Moshe, do whatever the hell you want....... -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Mistaken Identity "HEART ATTACK" A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and ask if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and complains: "I thought you said I had another 30 years. God replies, "I didn't recognize you." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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New Policy For The 12 Days Of Christmas New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance; 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated; 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French; 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked; 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appears to be in order; 6) The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one; 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement; 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching; 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps; 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year; 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line; Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number. -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Punishment And Cruelty Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it.............and the blonde doesn't." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Noah Builds An Ark NOAH's ARK - A Modern Tale --------------------------- And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said the Lord. And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time." And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis. "Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse than a Flood. Something Man invented himself." "What's that?" asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: "Government." -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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Noah's Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has. ___________________________________________________ -- The Jokemeister's free jokes (http://www.markfunk.com) |
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