3261 Bar Jokes In Our Database
518 Unsorted Jokes
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How To Be Annoying HOW TO BE ANNOYING ================== Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". Set alarms for random times. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Drum on every available surface. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Ask 800 operators for dates. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies. Wear your pants backwards. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!" Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music". Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. only type in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." Light road flares on a birthday cake. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador". Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One". As much as possible, skip rather than walk. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat. Drive half a block. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Ask people what gender they are. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot". Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes". Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr Rogers theme song. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Chew on pens that you've borrowed. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Wear a LOT of cologne. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing". Sing along at the opera. Mow your lawn with scissors. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!" Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy". Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend". Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles". Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture". Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Never make eye contact. Never break eye contact. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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A Thinking Man ---- A Thinking Man ----- It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey, " I confessed, "I've been thinking..." "I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!" "But Honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!" "That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Martha Stewart Will Not Be Joining Us A Change In Plans Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes: Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect. The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey. We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 AM upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds. As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying. We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door. Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat. Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it. Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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It's The Way We Have Always Done It! IT'S THE WAY WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE IT! Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey will make an attempt with the same response -- all of the monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Keep this up for several days. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them. Now, remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Replace the third original monkey with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? "Because that's the way it's always been done around here." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Sperm Count Sperm Count A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this.... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!?!" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the damn jar open!" -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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You Know You're From Eastern Washington If... You Know You're From Eastern Washington If... You've never met a celebrity. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway "Vacation" means going to Seattle (Portland, Spokane) You haven't seen the biggest Country & Western bands until ten years after they were popular. You measure distance in minutes. You say pop instead of soda or soft drink. You know people who have hit a deer or a cow. Your school classes were never canceled because of 3" of snow. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better." You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the day or year it is. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. (i.e., "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town I wanna go with.") You know how to pronounce Wenatchee, Yakima, and Spokane. You know Walla Walla, Washington is a REAL town, not just cartoon! All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with little marshmallows. You carry jumper cables in your car. You know about "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting." You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. You know how to put on chains. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for farm prices and sports. You think of opening day of the deer season as a holiday. You know which leafs make good toilet paper. You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly". You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction. You know the city of Pullman is named after a railroad sleeping car. You traveled through hours of wheat fields or farms to get to the next city. You know the names of the Tri-cities. Your home town had more cows than people in it. You actually get these jokes and forward them to your Eastern Washington friends -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Open Letter To Dr. Laura BY: Kent Ashcraft an open letter to Dr. Laura For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do with Laura Schlessinger: she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Recently, she has made some statements about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her... The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the internet... Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are the Biblical verses refered to above, in two different translations: the King James Version [KJV], and New International Version [NIV] Lev 18:22 [KJV] Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. [NIV] Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable. Lev 1:9 [KJV] But his inwards and his legs shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, to be a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD. [NIV] He is to wash the inner parts and the legs with water, and the priest is to burn all of it on the altar. It is a burnt offering, an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the LORD. Exodus 21:7 [KJV] And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do. [NIV] If a man sells his daughter as a servant, she is not to go free as menservants do. Lev 15:19-24 [KJV] And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. 20 And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean. 21 And whosoever toucheth her bed shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. 22 And whosoever toucheth any thing that she sat upon shall wash his clothes, and bathe himself in water, and be unclean until the even. 23 And if it be on her bed, or on any thing whereon she sitteth, when he toucheth it, he shall be unclean until the even. 24 And if any man lie with her at all, and her flowers be upon him, he shall be unclean seven days; and all the bed whereon he lieth shall be unclean. [NIV] When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening. 20 Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. 21 Whoever touches her bed must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. 22 Whoever touches anything she sits on must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. 23 Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, he will be unclean till evening. 24 If a man lies with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean. Lev 25:44 [KJV] Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids. [NIV] Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. Exodus 35:2 [KJV] Six days shall work be done, but on the seventh day there shall be to you an holy day, a sabbath of rest to the LORD: whosoever doeth work therein shall be put to death. [NIV] For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a Sabbath of rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it must be put to death. Lev 11:10 [KJV] And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you [NIV] But all creatures in the seas or streams that do not have fins and scales --- whether among all the swarming things or among all the other living creatures in the water --- you are to detest. Lev 21:20 [KJV] Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken [NIV] or who is hunchbacked or dwarfed, or who has any eye defect, or who has festering or running sores or damaged testicles. Lev 19:27 [KJV] Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard. [NIV] Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard. Lev 11:6-8 [KJV] And the hare, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you. 7 And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. 8 Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you. [NIV] The rabbit, though it chews the cud, does not have a split hoof; it is unclean for you. 7 And the pig, though it has a split hoof completely divied, does not chew the cud; it is unclean for you. 8 You must not eat their meat or touch their carcases; they are unclean for you. Lev 19:19 [KJV] Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. [NIV] Keep my decrees. Do not mate different kinds of animals. Do not plant your field with two kinds of seed. Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material. Lev 24:10-16 [KJV] And the son of an Israelitish woman, whose father was an Egyptian, went out among the children of Israel: and this son of the Israelitish woman and a man of Israel strove together in the camp; 11 And the Israelitish woman's son blasphemed the name of the Lord, and cursed. And they brought him unto Moses: (and his mother's name was Shelomith, the daughter of Dibri, of the tribe of Dan:) 12 And they put him in ward, that the mind of the LORD might be shewed them. 13 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying, 14 Bring forth him that hath cursed without the camp; and let all that heard him lay their hands upon his head, and let all the congregation stone him. 15 And thou shalt speak unto the children of Israel, saying, Whosoever curseth his God shall bear his sin. 16 And he that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him: as well the stranger, as he that is born in the land, when he blasphemeth the name of the Lord, shall be put to death. [NIV] Now the son of an Israelite mother and an Egyptian father went out among the Israelites, and a fight broke out in the camp between him and an Israelite. 11 The son of the Israelite woman blasphemed the name of the LORD with a curse; so they brough him to Moses. (His mother's name was Shelomith, the daughter of Dibri the Danite.) 12 They put him in custody until the will of the LORD should be made clear to them. 13 Then the LORD said to Moses: 14 Take the blasphemer outside the camp. All those who heard him are to lay their hands on his head, and the entire assembly is to stone him. 15 Say to the Israelites: If anyone curses his God, he will be held responsible; 16 anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him. Whether an alien or native-born, when he blasphemes the Name, he must be put to death. Lev 20:14 [KJV] And if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they; that there be no wickedness among you. [NIV] If a man marries both a woman and her mother, it is wicked. Both he and they must be burned in the fire, so that no wickedness will be among you. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Les Nessman Quotes From W.k.r.p. I do the sports news here, Mr Flytrap. I don't know if you've noticed, but there certainly are a lot of negroes in sports. In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami, head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play a musical instrument. Turning to sports, the winner of this week's Gulf Coast Golf Classic was Chiy-Chiy Rodwigweez. Chiy-Chiy finished with a nine under par score. I've always considered myself a fairly macho kind of guy. Andy, this isn't the Ohio State Journalism School. This is the big time. It's a helicopter, and it's coming this way. It's flying something behind it, I can't quite make it out, it's a large banner and it says, uh - Happy... Thaaaaanksss... giving! ... From... W.... ... K... ... R... ... P!! Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh, the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this! I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them tried to attack me! I had to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that. I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counterattack! It was almost as if they were ...organized!! I don't know any women! There's Mrs Rombauer, the widow next door. Maybe she'd go with me. She's starting to lose her hair, too. Don't tell me to calm down, I've just paid five dollars to find out I'm rounded at the free end! And in fact, there are many examples in history of hogs replacing horses. In the ninteenth century, an Englishman trained swine and drove four in hand through London with these curious steeds. Altogether with its potentialism repressed as it ordinarily is, the pig is a veritable Pandora's Box of exciting possibilities. This has been Les Nessman with a wrap-up of today's major news stories. Now stay tuned for a whole slew of commercials, most of which would insult the intelligence of the average six-year-old. I've been studying the equal-opportunity laws, and you've got a real leg up here, my friend. Being a negro is where it's at Mother always told me that journalism wasn't a gentleman's pursuit. I think at the end there she really had her heart set on me being a ... cowboy. Bailey. A voice doing news on the radio must be rich and full, with mellifluous, rounded tones. It must be... it must be a man's voice. Les: One thing is certain, this dark Wednesday will live in infamy! Johnny: Thursday, Les. Les: Thursday. Johnny: Hogs. Communists. Think about it. And now, Porker's Paradise Sweetmeat Treats, purveyors of pork-like products to the tri-counties, proudly present... (The tape fails to come on. Les cups his hands in front of his face and speaks in a deep voice) Les Nessman and the news! (Les makes a typing sound) Hello, this is Les Nessman with the seven p.m. news. The presidential campaign heats up as Carter-Kennedy coffee klatch concludes clash concerning Kansas Convention caucus. But in Bute, Bush, Baker and Brown blast bountiful big business boom. I'll be right back after these meif bressages This is Les Nessman with a special news bu-- why is the music still on? (Johnny gestures to the controls and Les fiddles with them, turning the music first louder and then off) Boy, what a lousy board! (Johnny points to the microphone and mouths something) Today, the Queen City stretched wide its welcoming arms to the Ohio Hog Farmer's Association on the occasion of their annual Pork Festival. This reporter has learned from a reliable source close to the hog persons that yours truly, Les Nessman, has been named featured speaker at tonight's Swine Soiree and dinner dance. Congratulations, Les. Johnny has taken out a lighter and set fire to Les's paper. Les continues to read from the flaming paper, trying to blow the flames out at the same time. Words obscured by laughter!! (to Jennifer) Wouldn't a man change his religion, so to speak, if you were, so to speak, the church? That was a primal scream, John. I read about it in a book. It doesn't work for me, but I do it. Wait just a minute here, wait a minute! This meeting is starting to lose some of its bitterness! I don't think that's a healthy trend! This is Les Nessman, WKRP's Fish Eye in the Sky! Reporting that traffic's a snarled mess down there and that we're about to hit a bridge. Aahhhhhh!!!!! Okay, you're not fired. But from now on, I am in complete charge. Okay, you're in charge, but you better be careful because I'm watching you. Okay, I won't watch you. Les: My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house. Jennifer: Really. Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one. Les's news report: And finally, did you know that only a miraculous set of circumstances makes life here on Earth possible? For instance, the planet's size is just exactly right to hold our atmosphere. The atmosphere contains just enough oxygen to support life. And our distance from the sun is just perfect for the right temperature. Should there be even a trivial change in any of these conditions, all life here on Earth would certainly be obliterated in a matter of milliseconds. This is Les Nessman saying good day, and may the good news be yours. Do you realize how little doctors know? Wise up, John. Come to think of it, when somebody goes, usually the last person he was with was a doctor. Les: And on the commodities exchange, hogs again took a mysterious stumble, as soybeans and wheat made a shocking comeback. Les: If the Beatles are the construct of modern music - and I use that word "construct" incorrectly - surely they were given birth to by Elvis Presley, a giant for sure, but the product of the black experience. Ergo - and I use that word correctly - blacks created modern music! Scratch an Allman Brother, and you have black. Scratch Billy Joel [pronounced Joe-well], and you have Howling Wolf! I could go on, but my mother is in town. Let's just say that every white rock and roll musician working today should take half of his or her paycheck and mail it directly to Chuck Berry. At least that's what I think, and I won't even go into jazz. Arnold, enjoy your visit to the station. Venus, nice visiting with you too! (He waves goodbye enthusiastically and exits.) I'm Les Nessman. I read your book. Didn't help me any. This is Les Nessman, saying, this is Les Nessman. Les's commentary: America? Who was that lady I saw you with last night? Could it have been the sweet seductress known as the Communist conspiracy? Was it she who stood under the streetlights, luring the farm boys with her broad shoulders? Beware! Think about it! To secret service agent You people are afraid of me. Well, I am a member of the Hoedown Square-Dancing Club. Les: In a situation like this, I always ask myself, what would my hero Edward R. Murrow think? And I think that Ed would think that this was censorship. Then I think about what my other hero, General George Patton, would think, and I think George would think that radio and television ought to be cleaned up, and if he were alive today, he'd take two armoured calvalry divisions into Hollywood and knock all those liberal pinheads into the Pacific! So as you can see, I'm a very confused man. And when I get confused, I watch TV. Television is never confusing. It's all so simple somehow. I'll tell you what, Bailey, I'll make a deal with you. I'll join the union if you can tell me where Jimmy Hoffa is. Les, pointing the stairs leading upstairs: Do these lead upstairs? Johnny: It depends on which way you're going. Les: What is an executrix? Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that. Later... Les, accusingly: I looked up 'executrix.' It has nothing to do with high heels or leather! Les's commentary on germs: German measles. Russian flu. Montezuma's revenge. And why do we say a foreign word whenever someone sneezes? Tomorrow I'll take a look at swine flu, up close and personal. Les: When someone plays mind games with Les Nessman, they're walking on thin ice. Except Les has a cold, so it comes out: Whed subwud plays mide gabes wit Les Dessmad, they're walkig od thid ice. Les: Monster lizard ravages east coast! Mayors in five New England cities have issued emergency requests for federal disaster relief as a result of a giant lizard that descended on the east coast last night! Officials say that this lizard, the worst since '78, has devastated transportation, disrupted communication, and left many hundreds homeless! Johnny: Monster lizard? Les: The wire service never lies! Johnny: Les, the "B" is out on the printer! It's monster blizzard! Les: That was Johnny Fever. And now stay tuned for Johnny Fever. Les: Are you trying to tell me that I'm not worthy of Lorraine? Jennifer: No, I'm trying to tell you that Lorraine is not worthy of you. Les: She cost $200. Jennifer: No, she charges $200. Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession. Les: Lorraine's a farmer? Flames fill fifth floor of Flim building! Firemen fight fierce conflagration! Les: Officer Shanks, explain "fire." Fireman: What? Les: Exactly why do things burn? Fireman: What kind of a station is this? Les: The phones are dead! The phones are dead! Venus: Not now, Les! Les: Well, shouldn't we call somebody? Les: Listen all this week for my five-part, gloves-off, no-holds-barred commentary, "Rutabaga, the Vanishing Vegetable"!! Les, reading from dictionary: "Plagarism. An act or instance of plagiarising. Something plagiarized." (Slams the dictionary and leaves.) Les: It's difficult to describe the feelings this reporter had as he walked through the pens. I felt a tug on my pantleg, and I looked down into the face of Harold, a little razorback hog, blind since birth! Les: Have you ever wondered why Russian women look like men? Bailey: I hadn't noticed Les: I think they kidnap men from all over the world, take them to Moscow and turn them into Russian women. Bailey : Do you? Les: That's what I think happened to Jimmy Hoffa. By now he's probably a grandmother in the Ukraine. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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If Dr. Seuss Wrote For Star Trek: The Next Generation... If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation... By Dave Fuller + Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, + So, Data, please, how far? How far? + + Data: Our ship can get there very fast + But still the trip will last and last + We'll have two days til we arrive + But can the Indrans there survive? + + Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. + + LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! + + Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! + Please make it so, please make it so! + + Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, + We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, + The danger here is far too great! + + Picard: But surely we must not be late! + + Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. + + Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! + + Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? + Who lit the fire? + + Riker: Not me. + + Worf: Not me. + + Picard: Computer, how long til we die? + + Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. + + Data: May I suggest a course to take? + We could, I think, quite safely make + Extinguishers from tractor beams + And stop the fire, or so it seems... + + Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! + Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! + + Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. + You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. + + Troi: We still must save the Indran planet -- + + Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... + + Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. + We understand -- we get your gist. + But can we get our ship to go? + Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. + + Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires + And that's what started all the fires. + + Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! + We need to go! We need to go! + + Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy + And lock him up and ask him why? + + Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. + I say give him problems dental. + + Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? + Have scanners said that they've been found? + Or is it Borg or some new threat + We haven't even heard of yet? + I sense no malice in this crew. + Now what are we supposed to do? + + Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. + They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" + I can't just sit and let them die! + A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! + + Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. + + Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. + + + *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK + HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* + + + Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. + He's very strong and very big. + I had my phaser set on stun -- + A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! + He would not budge, he would not fall, + He would not stun, no, not at all! + He changed into a stranger form + All soft and purple, round and warm. + + Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? + Did you see this creature morph? + + Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. + Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. + + Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! + Our troubles now are at an end! + + Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly + And orbit yonder Indran sky! + + Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...? + + Geordi: Yes, sir, we can. + + Picard: Then make it so! ------------------- this is odd... HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA: you'll understand in a minute. Why did the chicken cross the road? Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness. Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it. Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir. Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the road, if it had remembered to turn me off! Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe. Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. [Scenes of chicken torture with nanoprobes have been edited out.] Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre. Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault. Quark: Who, me? Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY... Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD, you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....youkilledmy...son! Troi: I feel the chicken's pain! Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians. Bones: Dammit, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist! Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir. Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skills not to mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers. The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated. Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug! B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer! Picard: There are four lights! Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer. Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir? Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional? Chekov: It must have been on its way to assist in saving my life for the billionth time... did I scream this time? Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken... Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission. Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing. Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's been a terrible misunderstanding. Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog. Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock! Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc! Spock: Fascinating, Captain. V'Ger: To join with the Creator. The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once! You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing! Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will be to everyone's satisfaction. Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped using them! O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it. Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and... Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've learned from all this? Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport! Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do. Sulu: Don't call me Tiny! Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned. Mr Homm: {silence} Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me, Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's... Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior officer. It makes the junior officers nervous. Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no one had gone before. SEE - hahahahahhahaha. -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes NORM PETERSON'S FAMOUS QUOTES --------- "Can I draw you a beer Norm?" "No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one." --------- "How's a beer sound Norm?" "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in." --------- "What's shaking Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins." --------- "What would you say to a nice beer Normie?" "Going Down?" --------- [Norm comes in depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.] [mutters] "Afternoon, everybody." "Norm!" [everyone cries out.] "What's new Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach, and they're demanding beer." --------- "What'll it be Normie?" "Just the usual coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel." --------- "What would you say to a beer Normie?" "Daddy wuvs you." --------- "What'd you like Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer." --------- "What'll you have Normie?" "Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." "Oh, looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." --------- "What'd you say Norm?" "Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer." --------- "What'd you say to a beer Norm?" "Hiya, sailor. New in town?" --------- [coming in from the rain]"Evening everybody" [everybody]"Norm!" "Still pouring Norm?" "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing." --------- "Whaddya say, Norm?" "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes." --------- "Hey Norm, How's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." --------- "Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?" "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass." --------- "How's life treating you?" "It's not, Sammy, but you can." --------- "What's the story Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." --------- "Hey, Mr Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, and if she calls, I'm not here." --------- "Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." --------- "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'" --------- Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?" "Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?" ---------- "What's going on Mr. Peterson?" "Another layer for the winter, Wood." ---------- "Whatcha up to Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." ---------- "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." ---------- "How's life treating you Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife." ---------- "Women, can't live with 'em.....pass the beer nuts." ---------- "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." ---------- "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one thirty." ---------- "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." ---------- "What's the story Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." ---------- "How's about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!" ---------- "What's going on Mr Peterson?" "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? "A beer please, Woody." ---------- "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?" "A little early isn't it, Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid Questions." -- Jim Rosenbaum's Humor Page (http://www.jimrosenbaum.com/humor/) |
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